jerebel trying to come up with $900 by thursday so we have a place to live.
It’s been so long since I joined 43T. So many entries, goals, failures, struggles, achievements, etc. I read some of my entries, and I see my past. I see the faces of those I’ve loved, those I’ve lost, and those I have kept close to my heart. I suppose it’s time for yet another change in my life.
I am scheduled to graduate from college this May. While I am excited, I know that this May, I will not be graduating, without the miraculous hand of God.
In the past 3 months, I have faced serious illness, family death, children hospitalized-twice and preparing for the third in the upcoming week, major depression, and if that’s not enough, my fiance and I have called it quits again and for good. With all of this, I have falled dramatically behind in my homework. To the point that for the first time in my career, I am failing a law class. I have only gotten A’s and B’s in my law classes, but I guess to appreciate success, you must at some point fail.
I was sitting in class tonight. And I think I learned the biggest lesson of my life, from my teacher. Who, by the way, knows nothing of my trials this semster. He began talking about stressors and being able to handle them. He spoke to us, a class of graduating seniors, about the pressure we put on ourselves. To graduate on a time schedule, to live up to our own expectations, to push through 15 credit hours of school while working full time, caring for children and running a home. He talked to us about the pressures that the people around us put on us. To meet their expectations, to push through-regardless of circumstance, to exceed those who came before us…
My eyes began to tear. I looked up at him in disbelief. It’s as though I were laying on his couch and he was sitting in a chair with a notebook, jotting down notes about our session. I couldn’t believe how he could read my mind. Then he looked at me, with my tears, and said, “why do you do that to yourself?” “It doesn’t matter if you take 1 class or 8, if you graduate this semester or next or the one after that. The only thing that matters, is that you are here, and you will graduate. What difference does it really make?”
And I realized, in the grand scheme of things, in life-past, present and future, IT DOESN’T. This insane stress and pressure to get done now, is just that. INSANE. All that matters is that I will finish. Just because I have to take a summer class doesn’t mean I have failed. I will still have graduated from college with 2 degrees. I will still be proud of myself for surviving it all. And my family will still be proud and support me for doing so. And even if they don’t-who really cares? Isn’t my health more important than their approval?
I know this is long, and the concept so simple. But if you read this, and you are in college, or high school, or know someone who is…Remember-WHO CARES? DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I hate to think of the past 3 weeks I’ve spent sitting in my house-sick from depression. Wasted. Cut yourself, your son/daughter, niece/nephew, brother/sister, aunt/uncle…some slack. All that matters is that they are there. And alive and healthy. Show them you support them by not adding to the enormous pressure they are already under. Let them know that it’s ok to not be perfect. That you will still be proud of them.
