vent

someone you don’t know very well but have to work with closely, that they have halitosis?

I don’t like my job.

I don’t enjoy what I am doing.

All seems pointless.

Yeah, drumline again, and so soon. I need to get this off my chest.

These past two years, music has been my life. Band, jazz, marching, drumline; anything. And now, the biggest part, drumline, may be taken away.

K-Fuhr said as we’re half the usual size (12 people total; which was the size of the cymbal and bass drum sections plus one more person during the past years) the cost is really big. And there’s parent/school stuff going on, where they aren’t really supporting us. Combined with the people who quit (dropping our numbers and their parents support of the winter program) really is hitting us.

Even if there is a program, we can’t go to world finals at Dayton (it’d be 1,400 per person instead of the 400 we paid for it two years ago). Most other lines in open are around 25 or so, and some are probably going to have more. Our pit is all rookies, people who were going to join are dropping (job hours; they all come from poorly off families and need the money).

It’s just, it hurts. Memorizing the show, perfecting the drill, having fun with people who know the feeling of performing; that’s what it’s all about. If you’ve never been in the program, you don’t know what it’s like to spend months practicing for only 8 minutes of floor time. Or never having the same show; always adding in new visuals or rewriting drill, even on the day of the show. Nothing can help your self esteem more (from what I’ve done) to hear them announce your score and being like, I helped with that. We worked as a team, and we got that.

But yeah, all rehearsal I was fine. I had my stoic face on, basically the same one K-Fuhr had on. But now that I’m home, it’s really hitting me. This program means the world to me, and if it dies just because those kids didn’t join, it’s really going to hurt. That would kill the marching program, which will hurt the school band, which will probably get cut at the next budget meeting. I can’t even think straight right now. I don’t see the point in anything really; it’s like when Mr. V left, I just couldn’t do anything. The marching and school program has been to hell and back more times than I can count over the past two years, and I just can’t believe it’s on the downward spiral now.

Sorry about the length, I just need to get this out. I know it sounds like I’m overreacting, but this program is the reason I’m as confident as I am today. Without it, I know I’m going to get really down and just like how I was starting to be my freshman year. If I don’t have that feeling of performing and hearing the clapping and knowing they actually took the time to listen and they care about our result, I don’t know. Without it, I won’t feel like I’ve done anything, so there’s no reason to do it. The only reason I keep up in school is so I can be in drumline. It’s too hard to care about things that have no tangible result, I need something that I can see or feel or hear and just know that it was worth it. Just… ugh. I can’t even think anymore.

Oh you faithless bunch!

You deserted me in my hour of need!

When I needed support, you scarpered.

I did not WANT to be away: I was betrayed by a defunct machine.

All those idiots that aren’t joining (because school is too hard right now) are spreading rumors. Saying that we have practice every Friday, Saturday and break days for 8 hours. Anti-fact. 8 hours EVERY OTHER Saturday, 5 hours EVERY OTHER Friday, and during winter break is just sectionals.

I think we lost about two potential rookies to that. Them, coupled with the 6 that now hate K-Fuhr, just made us smaller. With only around 14 of us in it, we’re probably going to be the smallest open class line.

And because we’re small, we need to charge more for the fee’s and we need to take most from the booster’s fund. That we can only do if the boosters only vote to let us, and they only will if we compete in marching band next year, which will the school says will only happen if we have enough people in the group, which will only happen if we compete, which will only happen if they stop spreading rumors about drumline and marching band.

People are dumb and ugh.

And there’s only me and one other person on cymbals, which is a joke, especially since he can’t march in time. Like, he’s been in marching band for 3 seasons, and he still can’t do it. He can’t play the music either, and he’s being all indifferent. I hoped he would be good for it, but he’s just starting to be a negative influence because he has an attitude.

And we can’t hire our old tech to help out again because, apparently, she lives in like Pennsylvania because she got her masters there. Yeah. And she’s been living here for like 5 years. And she teaches in the district, but if it’s for drumline, she suddenly doesn’t.

And all the kids that quit are trying to get around the MPA and WGI rules that basically say, if you can be in your HS’s drumline, you can’t do a different line unless your HS director says it’s okay. As our school guys says you have to be in band class to be in drumline, they’re all thinking of dropping band class to be in the local senior corp.

I hate people.

It arrived on Friday 30 October, suddenly, without warning.

My Packard Bell is toast.

I was standed, as though my right arm had been lopped off.

Hours expended in running around to get it sorted.

Blue is not my favourite colour anymore.

who worked for a business colleague, committed suicide the day before yesterday.

She had battled with bi-polar disorder.

I feel desperately sad for her, for her Mom, for her colleagues and friends.

She waited for her Mom to leave on a trip to London.

So sad.

I don’t like internet service providers.

It has taken 1 week of STRUGGLE to get my 3G card working again. And different answers/ assumptions from every person I spoke to. Countless hours wasted.

Note to these people: IT WAS NOT A USER PROBLEM.

No cheers to give, none received.

Expunged. Wiped out. A shadow.

This morning when I went to wash my hair, I almost fell nose-first in the shower. I’ve been feeling dizzy for a while now – perhaps it’s just low (or oscillating?)blood pressure, perhaps it’s too much staring at the computer screen.

If this doesn’t go away fast, I’ll have to do something about it.
I honestly don’t feel very well.