get over social anxiety

Mini-conversation, this time with the concierge from my parents’ building (whom I’ve known for years but never really spoke with). It was odd and I’m sure I was odd but he seemed pleasantly surprised by my talking to him. 2 weeks ago

I don’t think I have in years hated anyone like that coworker of mine (actually it’s rare for me to seriously hate anyone at all). She’s such a bully, she just never opens her mouth to say anything positive. I can’t stand people who need to constantly project their bad mood on others, it just makes everyone else in a bad mood (yet I keep that bad mood for myself and don’t throw it at clients and coworkers’ faces like she does). She just needs to criticize every damned thing. I welcome advice and criticism from anyone anyday, I like nothing better than to get to improve myself, but first, half of the criticism she throws at me is gratuitous (stuff I can’t do anything about), and the other half is always said in such a mean way that had it been relevant in the first place it’s never constructive because it just makes me want to cast my dragon fire breath on her. Seven hours in a row with her are like a marathon on ice.

So if you’re reading this, Sh., which you’re not cause you’re probably too busy being a dick (I think it’s a male insult but I’m pretty sure linguists from all over the world would agree on the fact that you qualify), please accept the idea that you’ll meet many people different from yourself in your life and that if you want them to adapt to you you should make an f-ing effort and adapt to them as well because you’re not God. When you’re so “efficient” that half the tower won’t work with you anymore, perhaps it’s time to change something about your $#!++y personality. So get a shrink, a punching ball, drink herbal tea, touch yourself in the bath, whatever it takes, just stop talking to me like I’m some sub-human piece of crap. You make a decently enjoyable work hellish, and I’m sure you wouldn’t spend such a bad day if you made an effort to have a good day in the first place, which you don’t, you make yourself miserable and everyone around in the process. People like you make other people die of ulcers. So get one yourself and leave me alone. ^{Wait, was that too harsh ?}1 month ago

I’m in this weird phase in which I’m basically loneliner than ever but don’t even want to see people anymore because I’m afraid my sad mood might be too apparent and I won’t be any fun. Or we’ll have nothing to talk about because I seem to have so little in common with my friends anymore, at least in terms of activities. 2 months ago

Had a mini-conversation with the concierge from my building. I had the coldest possible relationship with the one from my parents’ building and I’d like things to be a little more cordial now that I’ve moved. Problem is that this guy doesn’t seem talkative either, and I was surprised when my brother (who had my apartment before) told me the opposite. So I thought the problem is likely about me (I actually felt the same way regarding the situation with my ex-concierge). Anyway, today I saw him in the hall (hadn’t in some time), and instead of saying “hello” with an uncomfortable smile and looking down, or mumbling “how are you ?” as I walk past him without really expecting an answer, I stopped in front of him as I asked how he was. So he said fine, asked me about my brother (I guess they did talk a lot) and how I was liking the place. I said it was nice and that I was looking for work, he said times are tough, bla bla. Well, there you go, mini-conversation. Not that hard :) 4 months ago

There’s a cafe next to my house that’s always full of obnoxious people. I was having a panic attack tonight so I decided to go there just to have a cup of herbal tea (I have some in my house but I needed fresh air). I figured the place would be quite empty at this late hour but it was still a little too full to my liking so I started heading back home. As I was doing that, a bunch of youths in their 20s asked me if I wanted to sit with them and have a drink. I was a bit surprised and didn’t feel like it but since I appreciated the thought I said okay. They were a bit drunk and talking very loud (neighbours kept telling them to knock it off), and of course the one who talked the loudest was sitting next to my left ear (the one that can’t stand noise -I guess it’s discriminatory but I’m just destined not to get along with people who talk very loud). They were saying rude things to the neighbours and waitresses which saddened me a bit. Their sense of humour was kind of shitty too, they were all doing the kind of studies that would make me want to shoot myself, but I was grateful for their very un-Parisian welcome so I made an effort. They said that I didn’t talk much but that when I did it was hypnotic or something. They had a very big dog but he wasn’t very scary and a very small dog who liked sitting on my knee. Like most people they seemed amazed that I was ordering herbal tea and not alcohol but they got over it quickly enough. They said that they’re here every evening and urged me to come around any time, they even paid for my drink which was very nice. I’m not sure we have a lot in common though so I may avoid the place even more than before, but who knows, some other time maybe. 4 months ago

wants me to come by her house tonight or some other time this week. I haven’t answered her text yet… So nervous ! This is so new for me. Head exploding. 4 months ago

Drama-heavy lunch tomorrow at my parents’ house with my brother, his girlfriend, all the uncles and stuff. Gonna get some kicks in the butt for sure from my father for not looking for a job (he warned me on the phone -like he needed to ! the only times he ever calls is to reprimand me anyway [and they’re surprised I‘m afraid to call…] ! ). I really wish I could find solace among my family rather than admonishing and emotional blackmail. I guess it’s my call to prove them they need not worry about me… The thing is the more they worry about me, the more pressured I feel, the more paralysed I get. It’s completely counterproductive. Isn’t it wrong that my “social anxiety” goal includes family reunions ? 4 months ago

My friends wanted me to join them at the docks again and I always dread that a bit because of all the noise from screaming drunk people and djembes, bagpipes or whatever. I thought this time I’d bring a guitar over that way I’d get to be the one controlling the environment noise-wise and people would adjust to me !

It didn’t quite work out that way but I still had a fun time with the guitar because I feel finally I kind of let the group in on something I like rather than always follow them. I was also happy with my “performance”, it was sort of a surprise to me since for the last two years I’ve been used to playing on my own, for myself, singing at a low volume, and although I felt my melodic fiber had improved a lot (because I do play and compose a lot at home), I don’t get many opportunities to play for other people and sing out loud what I’m used to humming, so it’s weird to hear how naturally a song you know well flows out when you play it louder ; turns out i’m a lot more at ease than I used to and have fun with the songs (although part of me is still going “don’t screw it up, don’t screw it up !”, but I guess that’s healthy). I’m also glad because the one person who stayed next to me to hear me play is the girl I have a little crush on. She wanted to paint my nails blue and I consented cause I’m weak. She also tied me up in tape the night before. I’m just too nice.

Anyway, at some point, a random 18 year old guy came up to us and I usually try not to judge anyone within the first 15 minutes I’m being introduced to them but everything that was coming out of this guy’s mouth was just so rude and cocky, I just had a really fun time being snarky at him, I’ll confess !

He said it was his 18th birthday and his friends had left (to go to bed probably) and that he wanted to play music with us and have a good time, which is cute I guess. But quickly he just started showing off about stuff you don’t show off about (nepotism), good on him for admitting to benefiting from his network, I like honesty, just don’t be proud like that ! Okay, maybe he was just happy to turn 18 and a bit intoxicated, still, he started hitting on my friend, which pissed me off royally cause we were having a good moment, he didn’t ask “are you two together” (which I shouldn’t mind cause we’re not, anyway I mind cause it hurts my belief that I am a non-invisible human being), however he did ask her just that bluntly : “ARE YOU A LESBIAN ?”, which is probably the worst pick-up line to be recorded. Then he played four shitty chords on my guitar with a coin although I had clearly implied that I’d rather he’d ruin his douchey 18 year old fingers on my guitar than think about blemishing the purity of my strings with his ugly coin.

Soon enough he stopped playing his god-knows-what-that-crap-was song because he wanted to blow the smoke from his J into my friend’s mouth like boy scouts do after they’ve peed themselves in their tent cause they saw a rock that looked like a bear, and he told me “hold this for me” like it was his guitar. A random middle-aged guy who had made me smile by telling the kid “stop talking and play already” made me smile some more by saying “see, now that’s playing” after I grabbed the guitar. The kid whom I’ll now refer to as Malcolm in the Middle cause he had the same snotty expression and truly was in the middle of something asked if I wanted to smoke too because it opens the doors to Perception and asked if we knew who Jim Morrison was (which I’ll deem cute although deep inside I still think it was a stupid question). I said my doors were open quite enough which made the middle-aged guy explode although I really should have said “seems to me your doors are open quite enough, you young fool who dare deflower my guitar with your ugly coin and ask my friend whether she’s a lesbian while you’ve known her for 2 minutes” (not that there’s anything wrong with being one of course but it’s a rather personal thing to ask and a particularly unsubtle way to ask it).

He began saying many more cocky things whilst believing he was flirting I guess, and I had been playing for the last five minutes since he had said “hold this for me”, and when he asked for my friend’s number, I just interrupted the guitar mood to say “you do realise I’ve been doing all the work for you”, which made him blush and my friend laugh and the middle-aged guy laugh, which was exactly my intent. He saw he was losing so he said another thing that I’ll allow the “cute” category : “I had long hair a week ago you know” (out of the blue, just like the lesbian comment). We asked why he cut it and he said “cause I’m 18 I’m an adult now” (that one just made me plain sad, not cause he cut his hair but cause he thinks he’s an adult).

So the question now is was he a really douchey 18 year old or am I a really mean and immature 23 year old ? Easy to say, I just have to look back to what I was like when I was 18 and what the people I knew were like, and I’m sorry but I have to call it : he’s a fantastic douche, PARTICULARLY for an 18 year old. And I’m a bit immature.

Anyway, we made fun of him on the way back and she asked for my number and we’ve exchanged a couple of messages since then. And she doesn’t live in Paris so no pressure I guess :|. And I hardly know her at all and think we’re hardly alike so perhaps I just like to dream of improbable relationships cause it’s easier than starting an actual one. That or I just think she’s cute and have the hots for her. Hm. Interesting :| ! 6 months ago

And butterflies in my stomach.

She’s one of the cute but terrifyingly bookwormy girls who was in my class this semester, whose phone number I got on the very last day just for the sake of it, because I was blaming myself for not sympathizing with anyone (which, I guess, is understandable since I was repeating my year and only had few hours), and also because I haven’t seen my ex in over eight months and she left me over a year and a half ago so perhaps I have to start thinking like a single person, just perhaps.

Well, I shouldn’t let the bookwormness impress me, we’re seeing an exhibition about comic books so hopefully I won’t be out of my element ! Besides, I’m intelligent, I just happen not to speak ancient Greek fluently.

Still I’m pretty stressed. I had a drink with another girl a couple of weeks ago and although I have the feeling that she liked me (actually I hadn’t seen her in a year and she’s the one who asked to see me so I guess she likes me), I was very shy and nothing happened and I haven’t heard back. Well, at least I’m trying something, which is better than staying on my own like I have for the past eternity. 7 months ago

...and although it was very depressing for me it was quite interesting too ! Lots of cringeworthy material (and believe it or not, I wasn’t trying to find any, I’m not fond of cynicism). I just found the whole thing very bourgeois and soulless, not so much the obviously administrative tone of the service as the guests and general mood, I should be used to stuck-up people considered where I live and how I was raised but I just found it too irrespirable and carricatural this time. I was quite moved for my friend of course although hearing her say “yes” felt like her drifting miles away from me, for some reason. I wish I could have grabbed the mayor after the ceremony and asked “when are you gonna answer that letter of mine about leablowers by the way ?” !

When everyone got out of the city hall, I thought it was time to take my leave and save my butt, but that’s when I did something very unwise : I told a familiar-looking guy “I think I know you from …”. That was enough to get me dragged inside a car headed to the after party !

There, I stayed in the garden for most of the evening because the music inside was too ridiculously loud. Since the most interesting things in the garden were the carrots and the unlimited champaign, well I ate many a carrot and got drunk like I haven’t in years although my stomach was almost empty (apart from the carrots). By the end of the evening I got hit on for half an hour by a lady in her 40s who thought I worked in fashion (despite my tight budget for a costume, I must have done a good job looking classy ! I knew I wanted to wear a light colour because people at weddings always look sad and it’s sunny this time of year, and I knew I’d look taller with a slim cut so I made sure to pick one ! I was still shoeless until the last minute and that’s when I found these absurdly cheap black and white 50s style shoes.)

I still feel pretty disenchanted about the whole thing which increases my reservations about going to the religious ceremony in Rome next week. Still got no ticket anyway so it would take last minute dementia for me to go ; I was alone, lost and depressed most of the evening so apart from maybe waking up with a hangover and a 40 year-old lady by my side I’m not sure the trip is worth it. Besides, she has my number. Ahem. Must drink less ! 7 months ago

I have this wedding I’m meant to go to in a few days and the very idea of going paralyzes me.

First of all, it’s the first time a friend of mine is getting married, and I’m going to feel really weird, and frankly, at this time in my life, I could do without the thinking that’s bound to happen in my little head.

I also have no other friend who’s invited, so I’ll have no one to share the weirdness of that experience with, except for the bride who, obviously, will be very solicited and unreachable.

I also know most peeps there will be friends of the groom, who’s older, has a situation etc., so they’re all gonna make me feel like a jerk.

As beautiful a city as Rome is, I don’ feel comfortable at all spending a few days there on my own.

And last but not least, I’m terrified of flying because of my tinnitus. There are trains but it takes a long long time. Oh and I have to get a costume, presents, tickets, book a hotel… So I’ll come back not only depressed but also broke !

I really feel like not going but I don’t want to disappoint my friend. The civil wedding is taking place here in Paris so I’ll attend for sure but I’ve got a bad feeling about the whole trip thing. I should book right now (should have days ago) but just checking the different websites fills me with panic. 7 months ago