leave this place

I am in the wrong place at the right time. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t feel as if I have any options and I have children. So, I’m stuck here. Miserable. This is a bad place. I was here before, 15 years ago. I’ve been back for six years. For a while I thought it would be ok. I was making much better money to support my family. Now, I don’t know how to leave because I can’t find a job making enough to pay the bills if I leave. I struggle to sit here to earn my “salary.” I want to move away to a better place for my children and my sanity.

I finally did it. I didn’t think I would be able to, but I did. It still feels a little unreal to me, but I know it’s right. I made it happen a bit earlier than I had expected. But I’ve changed along the way, and that made it easier. I also met someone who really made an impact in my life, even affecting this goal. I got some help, and I made it a high priority, and I did it. I’m right where I’m supposed to be, right now. It still fills me with amazement.

I’m starting to take a stand for myself. I’m not just going to run away and expect everything to be alright. I am going to make a statement. If this statement is taken poorly, then I won’t have some ties left to worry about when i leave or more likely as i’m pushed away. If it is taken as best as it could be, (i won’t say it’ll be pleasent, cause I know it won’t be), then I have a reason for my leaving that is understood, or at least it would have been stated so that understanding could happen. At the moment I don’t know what I want the result to be. I have a feeling I know what it will be though. That scares me, for if it’s true, it’s long and messy. I hope I have the nerve to follow through with it. I’ve started it though, and I think that’s enough to keep me going. Currently I feel like I am trying the impossible. I am going to try to make this place I am at a less bad place before I leave it. I hope it works.

I get bored really fast, perhaps something I need to work on. However, despite my boredom, I stay in things I shouldn’t for far too long. I haven’t moved away yet. The best I get is a week excursion. I need something different. I need change, movement, action. I worry that in my life I will become the type that can never settle down, living someplace new every chance, never living anywhere for more than two years. I can’t stand routine, I need something to distract to intrigue. I’ve been in this bad place, for my whole life. I became aware that it was bad 6 years ago. I still haven’t left. I’ll leave. My goal: by September 2007, I’ll be gone physically from where I am, though I know I’ll still have ties, so by September 2012, I want to be gone entirely.

I want to live this place for some bigger city…

Here, I stagnate. Here, I burn myself out every weekend. Here, I am doing some great work on making it so that I don’t have two braincells to rub together by the time I leave.

Here is bad for me, and I need to be gone.

Nonesuch Place.