Live in the present

Is this really my life? I don’t even think I’m alive at times….it’s strange how detached from the moment you become, so that when there are seconds and 10s of seconds and minutes in which you are aware of the moment, you still feel completely removed from it and it’s even less real because it has become hyper real. Then you move in a daze, but you feel every movement. It’s unpleasant. How do I get back into my head?

That may not make sense, but it did when I wrote it.

i am again failing on this goal …......i just keep on rattling around my dreams, my scattering family, my friends(with whome i am not in much contact and the friends who are really the friends not just for the name sake).The bad i am doing is to dream about the future…..wores am doing is just dwelling in my past(which some times over takes me)....and the worst is that i am digging my present to asshole…......its only a very few people around me with whome i really remain myself….....its becoming harder day by day….........

i am again failing on this goal …......i just keep on rattling around my dreams, my scattering family, my friends(with whome i am not in much contact and the friends who are really the friends not just for the name sake).The bad i am doing is to dream about the future…..wores am doing is just dwelling in my past(which some times over takes me)....and the worst is that i am digging my present to asshole…......its only a very few people around me with whome i really remain myself….....its becoming harder day by day….........

Yesterday I was talking to a couple of different people about if you had to go back to a year of your life when it would be. Immediately I said 21, but there was a guy that said he wouldn’t want to. Wouldn’t even want to consider it, that life just keeps getter better, and he has a lot of look forward to so why would he want to go back.
I think the other thing is that I think about the future to much, what will happen, what might not happen. Wishing for school to be done, which is basically wishing away the next couple of years of my life.

I have allowed certain friends to treat me badly in the past. I have allowed them to call me names, even steal from me, without saying anything or stopping it. I was raised to believe that if you didn’t share things you didn’t deserve to have them. I still believe that, but unfortunately I made friends with people who, no matter how much you gave them, would always want more. In the case of one friend, I’ve given her money, clothes, jewellery, even my crystals, and she still stole things from our house and was constantly mooching from me, to the point where for over a year (till we moved away) I stopped buying anything for myself. What was the point I knew I wouldn’t get to keep it. I was raised to share, but I suppose that certain people have it in their nature to take advantage, and I was stupid enough to allow it, thinking I suppose that I was being a good friend.

I have been ill for a very long time, both physically and then after my breakdown, emotionally too, and need to take some control over how my life is, instead of just allowing things to happen.

I need to not have negative things in my life if I’m to get better. I still feel very selfish for wanting peace though. I need to live in the present and stop regretting the past. Try to learn from the bad things that have happened to me, and move on. Don’t know if I can though.

I would realy like to forget bad things about past and stop thinking about “what would be”. It’s very hard for me to live now but I finally realised that I have to try and that is a good start.

All the wonders you see are in yourself

I highly recommend a CD called Happiness by this French buddhist monk. I am working on letting go and just embracing what comes to me in my work life, health, and relationships. I got this from my public library. He is a humourous plain speaking teacher. He talks about dealing with worry and anger and our conceptions of self. How so much that we pursue and rush to judgment about is based on assumptions that are really goofy and damaging to our spirits. You can find lots on him by googling too. His story of the pissing tree flies is priceless.

I’m constantly worrying. I worry about everything – relationships, school, what to eat, where I’m going to live when I graduate – and I think it’s time that stopped. If I can learn to live in the present, the future will be better, and if the future is better, there is no reason to worry in the first place.

I know I can do this. It’s going to be HARD, but I’m going to force myself to appreciate life as it is NOW.

Living in the present isn`t always easy but it sure feels alot better then worrying about the future or being haunted by the past. I have to remind myself the past is just that. It can`t be changed … I can`t go back and do it differently. As for the future preparing myself by setting a bit of money away every pay is the only way I can prepare. Other then that I can`t do anything about my tomorrows. I wake each morning and there is that ghost of yesterdays tugging at my thoughts. I bring out the ” ghost busters” thinking and think instead .. NO.. you don`t. This is TODAY and Im gonna live it!!! It`s an on going process and a new way of thinking but its working for today.