“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero? ” 6 years ago

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. 7 years ago

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord. 7 years ago

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. 7 years ago

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. G-ddammit Otto, you are an alcoholic. G-ddammit Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right. 7 years ago

I like rice. Rice is good if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

And more on food:

I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. 7 years ago