talk to myself like a friend instead of a critical bitch

i messed up. royally.

there was a set of things i needed to do for work before leaving for my cousin’s Hawaii wedding, and i did them—sort of. they were too late, with too many gaps to fill and my coworkers had to fill the gaps for me.

and i feel absolutely horrible. i don’t even know what i was thinking. my boss absolutely gave me the reaming i deserve via e-mail and… well, she stopped short of actually calling me an unprofessional, disrespectful and negligent human being, but the implication was that this is, in her words “the tip of the iceberg.” i didn’t know what to say. i mean… if i were actually that way, i probably wouldn’t be feeling the way i do right now (most guilt and remorse i’ve felt in an awfully long time), but i can’t help but wonder if there’s a grain of truth to it. i want to be fully professional, but for various reasons just can’t fully step up; i always find some way to sabotage myself.

i hate this. someone, anyone, words of encouragement? please?

Why can’t I seem to do this?

I’m nice. I’m fun. I’m smart. I’m a pretty cool girl!

ughhhh.

i’ve finally worried myself physically sick. i can’t believe it took this long to happen, but it has. so now i’m finally taking action. wish me luck. gambare.

because my teaching evaluations are coming in. breathe…. breathe… breathe… one or 2 bad evals does not mean i’m an inherently and irreparably shitty teacher. why are you fixated on Nakayama’s bad one and not the fact that Asami is “always looking forward to Chris’ class”??

Yesterday, i was on my way to a fund raiser when I thought, “I am doing this all on my own, I don’t HAVE to go, besides that there are probably a bunch of people I don’t even like going to be there.” This is the point I thought about the rest of my life, “I can go anywhere I want to, I feel like I can rely on myself and only myself. I feel like I’ve never felt before, I feel ok, happy and confident. This is an amazing feeling!” I realized that I could be my own best friend, and I did have confidence! This rarely ever happens. It was a good day.

not very good at this lately…

This is going to be an interesting one. I have a shitload of 30 level courses and it’s going to be rather stressful.. so I will remind my self of this goal while going through the school year..

Is it strange that this seems like the best idea I’ve had in a while? Maybe..? But seriously.. I am such a bitch to myself. A CRITICAL bitch at that. Through all that intesne therapy all I seemed to hear was “You’re too hard on yourself” or “Do you always beat the shit out of yourself?” Yes, yes I do ma’am. Ahahaha,.... no.. I must stop the I HATE YOUUETETE SELFFF . thing. No good. I banish you from the planet of Ashley.

I’ve seen this goal on ikuy’s list.
It’s genious. I think I pretty need it, but I’ve never worded it like that. And it can only make good to me.
Let’s pratice to be my own best friend.
Thank you, ikuy !

don’t go there. don’t do it dont do it dont do it!
she’s never been a stellar friend, i mean really, did you have any expectations about furthering this relationship? dont let her hurt your feelings. you are better than this. just mail her the dvds and be done with it. dont get sucked in! think of all the times that you wanted out. she’s not worth it. dont start feeling bad!!!

love, me