learn to like myself

Oh, where to begin. It’s strange when you realize something profound about yourself. I feel like I Know myself pretty well, so it came as a shock the moment I realized that I don’t really think much of myself. I don’t have good standards for what I’m willing to put up with in my relationships with other people (except with romantic relationships, one of which forced me to realize my own self-loathing). I am afraid of conflict because conflict leads to disappointment which leads to scorn and rejection.

I always used to cover for my lack of self-worth with intellectual achievements and enthusiasm for the glorious future I knew I had waiting for me. But no matter what my accomplishments, I can’t stop to enjoy myself. Because the truth of the matter is that enjoying myself would require me to actually Enjoy and appreciate myself in the first place.

Now that I’m an advanced degree program surrounded by other people with my level of intellectual functioning, I can no longer use my intellect to deny my lack of self-worth. So now I have no insulation from my own harsh opinion of myself or the scrutiny of the world around me.

I want to wake up one day feeling and truly believing that I am decent, balanced, and respectable. I want to be decisive. I want to live in a world where I don’t constantly face self-doubt for every decision that I make. I want to live a life that is assured of its worth and value. I want to have such a thick, snug parka of genuine self-esteem so that I am able to face the criticisms of others without sacrificing the security I have in myself.

Being with people is good, because you can see yourself reflected in them. Being at home alone is also good, but one should be open to external stimuli. I am nurturing some young friendships, and it feels good! I don’t want to be so isolated anymore.

I invited friends for a barbecue. We had a nice time. And the most important thing: we might not be very close, but they all appeared, they all told me how much they enjoyed it. I see that I am esteemed by this group of people, and it feels very very good.

Well, that’s important. I only realize it now, when I started exercising a bit, taking care of my hair and generally trying to not look – and feel – so shabby. It’s not something you do for others, you do it for yourself. I still dont wear make-up, I still wear my old jeans and a t-shirt, but still, I feel so much better!

I don’t generally like what I see when I look in the mirror. Instead I see every physical and emotional flaw. I’m harder on myself than anyone I know. I never think I deserve better than what I’ve got. Somehow I need to believe that I matter.

I grew up always thinking there’s something wrong with me, that I’m weird & not like “everyone else”. I don’t think I’m pretty, there are things about my personality I’d like to change. I wish I could learn to like myself more ~ at the moment I just don’t

OK, this is one thing that I shouldn’t accept. I shouldn’t criticize so much and express myself so badly. I know I wouldn’t like a person who criticizes everybody and comes out rude. I will consciously try to be nice to people from now on. Because people don’t usually realize that being rude is almost always a defense mechanism.

threw in an extra session of self analysis/reflection today and got some good insight. feeling closer to understanding myself and maybe just a little more brave about being nice to myself. took a nap.

Well, that’s an absurd statement. Why have I always been thinking that? True, I have only a few friends, but then again, I find it difficult to communicate with people. I have an amazing boyfriend, and the people I’m close to are the most amazing, good hearted people I know. The truth is that I project the feelings about myself to other people. And it’s time I stopped doing that.

Yesterday I had something to say, and I just said it. My mom and my environment have taught me that you shouldn’t speak your mind so openly. But why not? Really, why not? Keeping everything inside, not letting people know, not letting people help you, is definitely not the wise thing to do. I feel much better now that I spoke with John, and I will make it a case to speak my mind, when it can’t harm anybody.

I grew up thinking my personality was wrong. My mother is amazing, but somehow she taught me that I shouldn’t be the loud, extremely emotional person that I am. But how can one change oneself? I would think that being too open would be a lesser fault than being dishonest, but somehow the world sees it differently. So I want to keep this loud, extravagant personality, but I would like to make it a little more optimistic, a little less defeatist.