manage my anger

Working but not… I am so out of it all the time that I can not function like I am supposed to. Being a single mom this is not a good thing… any ideas? I have tried just about every medication out there and the side effects are all about the same. I just can not be like that. I am way too out going to sleep all day and with a barely one year old walking this is not a great thing.

Apparently… My “anger” is depression/ anxiety. Whatever. The good Doctor put me on medication that is making me feel wierd. This is my fist day and it is supposed to take about 2 weeks to “get use to it” so I guess i can deal with it. Only problem… I have had a few people question me today. I not only feel high, messed up, F*cked up hey whater you want to call it… I look it too. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Reason it could be a good thing… dude i am high and it is LEGAL! Reason it is a bad thing… i work in a professional enviroment where being “high” is not only socially unexceptable but I am having a really hard time staying professional. I mean I have to tell them when they look at me and question me and stuff and to me that is just wierd but that little part of me has to and i mean just has to justify. Hell what is the harm in them thinking I am high? Oh well, i am working on managing my anger. So far today I have not had any sudden urges to snap someones kneck off thier shoulders… it has to be working.

I have definitely managed my anger better, but since I have been divorced I don’t get angry anymore…go figure

One of the things that makes me get so mad I want to hurt someone is when people assume something or put words into my mouth. This was the case with a family memeber who I truely charished my relationship with. With out going to into the situation she accused me of taking advantage of my Grandparents and hogging them away from my family. She called me immature and self centered. She even went so low as to tell her son he could not visit my Grandparents because they could not handle him, my daughter and myself all at the same time, they were just too old. So, I kindly apologized for losing my car in the parking garage so bad that I ended up having to call my grandfather to pick up my daughter from daycare. Which meant my Grandparents had to leave dinner with this family member and her family. I very maturly and humby apoligized for having to do that… but i was at the point of calling the police and if someone did not make it to get my daughter I would have to pay a fine and even would have had the police and CPS called on me. So… along with that I also expressed to her that the rest of this letter that she had wrote to me was purely assumptions and basically she was sticking her nose where it did not need to be. My grandparents told me to get this settled last night because the labor day holiday and Holidays are fastly approaching along with election season where my family is encharge of republican head quarters in my town. So I did as i was told. The family memeber decided to point out that she did not believe that my Grandparents said that and some other really cruel stuff and then proceeded to tell me to “Put your (my) Big Girl Panties on and deal with it”... my response…

“I Put my big girl panties on thank you very much. They are Pink with Pride because I was big enought to humbly apologize for my actions.”

Her response… She told me she nearly rolled off the couch with laughter then she apologized for the things that she said. the truce has been mad and now we can proceed with the labor Day bar b Q my grandmother wants and the get all of our ducks in a row for republican head quarters. For my family this is a very exciting time … for years my grandmother has taught us girls about politics and the last presidental election that we were supposed to be incharge of we thought we were going to lose her. So this year and this election is not just about “Change” it is about Celebrating life… not just of the old but for the unborn. This is probably the biggest election to my family for many reasons and it is very important that we remain united. So there you go… we settled that one with humor… now dont get me started on Obama or you will be falling out of your seats. I have a bunch of good ones up my sleves just waiting to head quarters to open up and get this going!

But is seems to be where ever I am. I feel like Alice in Alice in wonderland. Just when I think I have it.. something even more bazzar pops out! The more that happens to her the angerier she gets and the more frustrating her “life” feels. Currently I have that damn queen and that pesty cat and the mad hatter and his lil friend. The drama just all depends on what end of the cookie I eat and how much of it i eat. All so i can get to the other side. Does anyone get where i am going here? The point is Alice just got so mad that she eventually lost her head. Well, I am there and the anger is just building. I do not like being angry because that is not the dispotion i wish to have. People tell me how Dramatic i am however, if they even felt a drop of the horriable feelings I feel inside of me that I do not know how to handle because i am not a mean nasty ugly angry person they would get it. the sad thing is that most of this drama comes from my own flesh and blood. So here is the plan. .. . lay low.. and I mean really low. When something is said that I do not like… I am going to blog it to get it out. . . let them think it didnt get to me… and figure out some way to not let it eat me alive. I really do need to look into some sort of anger management course. I have began to loose myself in all of this junk and that is an option i am not willing to except.

my anger has gotten way to out of hand

control my anger

I’m now keeping an anger journal…next therapy session is this Friday morning.

Today, I had a small test in my anger management.

I needed to interview a source for a story early this morning (because I’m a journalist and it was my silly idea to schedule this interview early Sunday morning). I brought home the number so I could call the source for the story but today, I misplaced the number.

The deep breaths really helped, calmed me down and made me realize that I had the phone number back in the office. The key is to breathe from your ribs, since that calms you down. Breathing from your chest only increases endorphins and stress. This came from my first counseling session.

So, I walked to the office (since it is two blocks away), got the phone number, and found out from her husband that she was walking her dogs! OMG, LOL. Well, I got some other things done in terms of organization for my next few assignments.

I’m looking forward to my next therapy session…

I have called the Oshkosh Counseling Center to discuss anger management, especially at the work place. Something happened that made me upset and I almost threw a slight fit at the office. Fortunately, no one was there to see it but I am sure someone heard it. I like my job and my key weakness is being much more professional about it. Therefore, I’m going to go to therapy.