make things work with myself

I’m happy to give up on this goal!
Well, OK, I’m not actuall giving up, but these months really taught me that my need to be in control is still too strong.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to give you my brand new top priority: swim with the flow.

I think I can deal with changes.
I’m not sure about my subconscious, though. In less than 48 hours I’ve seen my father’s house and all the surrounding buildings crumbling down before my eyes, and barely survived 3 buses backing up and almost running over me. Well, at least I woke up.

are entirely devoted to making bf’s Dutch house rentable. In a week or something.
Not that I missed the traditional Italian Xmas overeating feast, and there’s nowhere else I would love to be, but I would have done with a break.
Well, at least the house looks great. So good we don’t want to move anymore!

I really, really am.
Good news is that Little Wrecker in me just came out of the closet. Bad news is that Little Wrecker made a fu**ing brilliant job in messing two lives.
I hope that everybody (me comprised) will forgive Little Wrecker, because so far LW has ruined only my life; that I could deal with. I’m so scared, I’d just want to curl up and sleep for the next two months. But I have to be there, trying to heal myself and my relationship. Hoping the blow isn’t lethal, that is.

I couldn’t see this truck coming.

It happened for the second time. One of those pivotal moments during therapy when you are enlightened with a tiny detail, and everything in your past finally seem to make sense (at least most of it!).
Well, it comes at a price, because I’ve been on a mood rollercoaster for the last weeks, but it’s well worth the ride.

[1] err, nothing to do with incestuous stuff, of course… I’m just paying dues to that foxy Freud dude

is a total recipe for self-sabotaging!
I want to rephrase it.

Something like:
“Letting Paola A, B, C, D, F, Z, α, γ and ω live in harmony together” or, more simply, “Recognize who I am (and deal with it as happily as possible)” would be so much better…

OK, summer homework: rephrase goal.
Suggestions are more than welcome.

Not really sure this huge piece of news belongs here, but I found online a gorgeous Byblos coat: starting price 560 euros, on sale for 170. The tailor had to fix the shoulders, but now it’s just perfect and I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE my new black coat!

(OK, OK, before somebody scolds me: don’t try this at home, unless you can tell at a glance if something’s going to fit you well, not-so-well-but-there-are-always-alterations or leave-it-there-bro-believe-me-not-even-armani-could-fix-this)

So, these are my self presents for this weekend: taking today off; spending the first 48 hours with C. after two loooooooooooong months; meeting up with friends in Milan I haven’t seen in a long time; a big dinner party thrown for me (not exactly a self present, but, again…); three bottles of ridiculously expensive champagne; shopping at those cute boutiques in Milan; no Internet connection in miles; sleeping late—shamefully late.

Man, I’m spoiling myself rotten.

See Read y’all on Monday!

(yeah, I’m practicing for my Xmas trip) :P

Just after disclosing my obsessive-compulsive cyber-behaviour, C. tells me he has a blog. Not like: “Yeah, just opened a blog”, but “I’ve always had a blog”.
(inside my head “Must be geeky stuff, must be geeky stuff, must be geeky stuff”)
“It’s stuff you know already… (follows list of personal things)”
(OUCH!)

Sure enough he’s not telling me the URL, and a part of me doesn’t REALLY want to know, so I guess that I will try a couple of fruitless queries on Google, and then maybe I will be cured for good.

Maybe.

How do you trust someone when trusting them demands that you give up your very last defense?
How do you do that when they seem not to understand what you’re going through?

It’s so confusing I’d run to the hills screaming.