list 43 things that make me, me

who knows!

probably before I was nine or ten years of age, anyway, I’ve known that I wanted “Here Comes the Sun” played at my funeral.

I’ve also always thought that I would die young.

not in order (for now)

A good listener
A good friend
A dreamer
A hoarder – not a good thing, and part of what makes my house
untidy!
Kind of lazy!
Get bogged down in details sometimes
...

1. err… OK I’ll have to work on this one!

I am a confirmed, hopeless morning person. I wake up bubbly and cheerful every day. Can’t help it, nor do I want to (‘cept that it irritates the heck out of non-morning people :o)

I died of starvation in a past life.

Of course, all of us are shaped into our selves in no small way by our experiences, and as much as I love my happy memories, I know that my failures, traumas, mistakes and disappointments are truly the roots of who I am today.

These are all long stories, and I don’t feel much like going in to them in detail today, but here’s the ‘short list’ of my major upsets and blunders:

• Got ditched by my little clique of friends – without warning or explanation – during that critical summer between grades 8 and 9. Then I cut my own bangs (sp?) way too short and had to start high school with no friends and seriously stupid looking hair. I still don’t think I’ve recovered – the pain resurfaces any time I see that damn year book picture!!
• Started smoking – to impress a boy, no less. What an idiot!
• Lost my virginity too young (course I didn’t think so at the time, but I’m much wiser now), to a loser who didn’t even know I was a virgin. God, to have THAT night to do over…
• Stayed with said loser for another couple years of grief
• Failed to nurture the most important rel’p in my life (high school/college best friend) and, I suppose deservedly, lost it.
• Admitted to my Grandad in my teens that my brother & I were doing drugs, which made him cry. Man! That was stupid – there was NO benefit to him knowing that, and now he’s dead and maybe doesn’t know that we turned out just fine (mostly :o)
• Ran over that guy on the motorcycle (it’s okay, he’s fine, but man, that was another reeeeaally bad day – I imagine he didn’t like it much either)
• Chose nursing as a profession. Not that that’s a bad thing, it just doesn’t work for me at all and as a result I’ve had a decade of job-hopping. Plus, I’m now literally afraid to make another career decision
• Broke up with Geoff, who was THE man, to marry Mark, whom I had only known for about two months – doh!
• Moved to a small town in Texas with a man I barely knew (who happened also to be my new husband – doh!) and actually believed that it was a great idea
• The thing, with the thing, oh, and that other thing (too personal, sorry)
• Didn’t deal with the guilt of being a young jerk, such that as a much older jerk I let that shit head in to my life and my home out of guilt, only to have him scare (and scar) the hell out of me. Blech…
• Chose (or perhaps there was no choice) to put my beloved kitty to sleep almost a year ago

I’m sure this list could go on and on (and on and on) but you get the gist – I have made a LOT of … misjudgments … in my life. Which brings us to the me of today, for better or worse.

for twinkly lights at night. I keep Christmas lights up in two rooms of my house all year long for when I need a fix, and the deck is adorned with six strings of dragonfly and ladybug twinkle lights. I am captivated for hours by the nightscape of any big city, which is probably why I’m so eager to visit Las Vegas – it’s a twinkly-light-lover’s paradise! And for the ten winters that I lived alone, I often slept in the living room beside my Christmas tree so that any moment I wasn’t sleeping, I was admiring its dazzling beauty.

Ever since forever I’ve been homesick. When I was a kid I missed out on every over-night party, class trip and exchange student program because I could not handle the fear. Even when I had to spend the night at my grandparents’ place, I’d sneak out of bed between 10 and 11 p.m. and call my Daddy to come rescue me (and he always did!!). Can’t tell you how terrified (and later angry) my Bubba and Nana were those first few times, upon waking up in the wee hours to check on me only to find I’d vanished! Eek!

I had to go to day-camp while my big brother got to go to beautiful, super-fun Camp Queen Elizabeth – a sleep-away camp. One night even the day-camp had a sleep over. I remember that evening; everyone went to the campfire to sing songs while I stayed in the cabin, sobbing and shaking and begging them to let me call home. The counselors had to take turns watching me all night long. How embarrassing! ? ! ?

I really lucked out in Montessori school though… during my first year there, when I was only two years old, I met my best friend, Jenny. For some strange reason, as long as I was with her family, at their home or elsewhere, I felt safe and could (mostly) happily spend the night. To this day, Jen and I are still close friends and her family still feels like an extension of my own.

After 35 years of monster-free living, I’m still a bit scared to sleep over any place other than home. I usually have to pack with me all kinds of home comforts (lots of books and cozy jammies etc.) to help me feel ‘at home’. After a weekend or more away, I can hardly wait to arrive back at my wee house and unpack all my stuff, to feel as quickly as possible as though I’ve never left.

I’ve been in school, at least part-time, all but three years of my life! I didn’t attend school during my first or second years of life, and I believe there was a year after my protracted high school career during which I didn’t sign up for some course or another. I’m the poster-child for continuing education _{(though most of my education has been neither useful nor productive, in the traditional way schooling can be ‘used’ to ‘produce’ forward progress in one’s life and career. sigh.)}