be comfortable in my own skin

I weighed myself today and feel pretty good about it. “Work in progress” I tell myself. By nature, I feel low self esteem and mask that with humor or sarcasm. I want to be more positive so I think the more each day I do that, the more it will become reality.

This really isn’t going well.
Why can’t I accept my now self instead of where I want to be and may never be?

I’m tired of having a skewed image of myself. I want to feel more confident. I don’t need to hide. It’s not about numbers or about what I think I see in the mirror. It’s about how I feel… and I want to feel happy with myself.

This used to be the goal “weigh under 135 lbs.” but it’s not about the number. I need to get away from that mentality. It’s about being happy with yourself physically and mentally. Not being comfortable with a number.

I am very uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate my body, my face, my hair, etc. yet I do try to be presentable and comfortable and do things that make me happier about them. I have many insecurities about myself and some days are better than other. Sometimes I don’t give a flying F what others think when they see me and other days when I feel all eyes are on me (yes, very egotistical but I am an only child and have to let go of the fact that the world does not revolve around me). I will work on this as a lifelong goal!

Getting divorced after 15years of a marriage that wasn’t going anywhere has helped tremendously.

It’s funny how people say things like they want to get back to “how they used to be”, to get back to their “good old selfs” etc, I think divorce (in a non-good marriage) can be such a good thing (neither my ex-wife nor I are bitter / we still communicate everyday without arguments this time) because it allows you to get back in touch with yourself as you were, unspoilt as it were.

In a nutshell – just be true to yourself and you will be very comfortable in your own skin.

I’m at least 90% there – I have no one to please except myself (see my other achieved goal “to stop worrying what others think”)

I just want to know what it’s like to reach contentment.

today with a few friends. I can honestly say that I was shocked to even be invited, much less included in this little clique. I am by far, appearance-wise, much different than these women. We have a ton in common otherwise, but my being from a different area and not working currently sets me apart from them, so who knows what we will talk about.

All that aside, I am sooo ready for this- I need/want the time away from the husband (other than when he goes to work), and I’m looking forward to hangin out with the girls.

Now…what to wear…HA.

Tonight was one of those nights. In certain company, I’m myself, and tend not to worry about the menial things. But tonight we went to a football party and had to uh, intermingle for lack of a better word. I’m not a very social person, and I’m just not comfortable around people I don’t know, so I tend to back off and watch everyone else have a good time, and join in where I feel comfortable enough. I guess right now working on this is going to be hard for me, having my dental issues and being somewhat overweight. I’m just not comfortable with socializing, smiling, laughing, basically having a good time, unless I’m in that comfort zone. Husband kept trying to push me into doing kareoke with about 5 beautiful young women-he got pissed at me for not participating, but there was no way. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to open my mouth, much less belt out the lyrics to some of my favorite songs-just let me be right by myself not drawing attention from anyone. Is that too much to ask? Ugh, I’ve got a long way to go…

in the end, i think every day is a process, i just try and keep my mind off of the things that get me nervous or feel weird about myself. this is me, and i like me… its a daily process :)