Stop being so hard on myself

I am human. I make mistakes. Why is that so hard to accept?

I am really mean to myself about being fat, about my arthritis, about not brushing my cats, about not exercising…I could go on. And meanwhile, as I moan about all that day in and day out, I am wasting a lot of time when I could just be doing some of that stuff. Rome wasn’t built in a day!

Things were up and busy for a while, new job, got a house. But then fell back down. I’m working on it. Trying to rethink the way I think.

I find myself hypothetically having to slap myself in the face sometimes as i catch myself thinking about all the embaressing/cringe-worthy stuff that ive done in my life, and even possible scenarios of future events! Surely cant be good for my self belief. Then i try and convince myself that these cringeworthy events arnt important which makes them seem more important as im trying so hard to dismiss them.

ya, im fat. I know it. I talk myself down atleast 20 times a day. I avoid the mirror. when my hubby gets mad at me, i think it’s because im fat. i assume that everyone i meet, hates me. i feel like inside, everyone talks about me and my weight problem. i wanna be able to feel more free and careless about that kinda crap.

I can’t 4give myself for what I had done in my life and I just want GOD 4give me

but I still have a long way to go. I know my fears and uncertainties have a lot to do with this. As much as I tell my self that by doing the best I can is enough, I still don’t believe it in every situation to the extent that I can complete this goal. It’s a tough balancing act.

Taking a close look at myself as I’ve been able to do with no real job lately, I think I’ve begun to understand that the things I tend to obsess over are the result of a lgegitimate tendency toward something like Obsessive Disorder. I understand that my grandmother was severely and textbook OCD and my Dad has tiny shades of the compulsive side, but as I look at my thoughts and their cycles, I realize that when I’m stressed, unhappy, or severly frustrated, I tend to cycle around the obsessive part of the coin.

It’s not that I can’t forgive myself or that I refuse to or think I’m somehow unworthy. Everyone does things they’re not proud of and yes, I have regrets and yes, I wish I could change them, but the point is, I can’t. And I can’t hate myself for them either.

It’s an ongoing thing and I’m working on it, but I think a small breakthrough in reasoning is definitely a step in the right direction.

But I am doing it, have to, giving me space, and time, and not rushing myself.

It is strange, I want to allow myself space to breathe, stop being impatient. At the same time, I feel I need to be more disciplined on some aspects, like encouraging somebody else to do something without being on their back.

For years now I’ve made it imperative that I become “perfect”.

I became bulimic to become “skinny”. I let people use me so that I could seem “nice”. I never cried because I needed to be “strong”.

I pushed myself to become something that is unattainable. It’s taken a long time, but…now I’m a little more forgiving. I’ve still got a ways to go on this, but, I think maybe someday I’ll be able to cross this off my list.

This goal is here to remind me that I don’t need to be perfect. I need to be myself. Not Jessica Alba. Not Einstein. Not my friends. Not my sister. Myself.

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