abandon all of my goals and just live

for the rest of 2008. I’m not going to try to better myself. I’m going to enjoy my life, which is pretty damn good, and observe my natural and chosen responses. I’m tired. Exhausted, really. Not physically, but emotionally. Tired of trying to be more, better, less when who I am is spectacular.

That’s right. Spectacular.

For the rest of 2008, as an experiment, I’m going to assume that I am what those who love me see: brave, smart, sexy, loving, amazing, kind, etc. The goals that are left on my list are those that give me pleasure. Anything that made me think of obligation or a perceived lack in me, along with some goals that just aren’t priorities right now, has been pruned.

I woke up shaky this morning. I thought it might have been from low blood sugar after a fair amount of ^ohsofunactivity and too little sleep and food, but it’s lasted all day. My heart is pounding and I’m out of breath. Combine those symptoms with the recent outburst of guilt (verging on panic) and it seems a good time to unfocus. Float. Drift. Flow. Be my usual efficient self at work, do the few routine chores I do at home, shoot loving texts and emails to my people and continue to hug on Mr. Yes, but not try to accomplish anything else.

I’m picking up a friend from NC at the airport on Thursday night. He’ll be staying with me Friday, then back Mon & Tues, then back Friday night so I can take him to the airport Saturday morning. I plan to do a lot of nothing with him. Mr. Yes was talking about taking him out and showing him some SF nightlife. We’ll see. If I need more down time, I’ll throw my guest on the train to the city and go home to take a nap. Mr. Yes is going to come with me on Thursday, which is a godsend, as I’ve always flown out of Oakland and my friend is coming into SF. It will also be good to have someone to help wrangle my friend, who will be jonesing for nicotine and bourbon and is a generally cranky guy who’s terrified of flying.

Too tired to read this over and see if it made sense. I’m going to bed. May not be on here much next week so I can take care of myself and regain energy.

Yesterday was a marathon day, nonstop from 6:30am, when we got the news that Mr. Man’s dad had died, until about 11:30, when we went to bed. Cleaning and making arrangments and driving around to get food and find people and phone calls and such. I finally got a chance to talk to my parents for the first time since I found out that my dad has been fainting and they’ve had to adjust his meds. My dad is pretty miserable and my sister and I think he may need to go off the treatment meds and let the cancer take its course. We got a lot of extra innings. I know quality of life is his primary concern right now, so if he keeps having such awful side effects, I’m sure he’ll stop treatment.

Needless to say, I haven’t worked on anything more goal-related than “find .75 for pretzels from the vending machine” for the last week and a half. I’m taking tonight to get some stuff done in my life so I can be there for Mr. Man at the memorial tomorrow. I barely remember my apartment and how it felt to stay there overnight. I’m trying to get regular sleep and meals and I’m back at work today. Since I can’t be of immediate service to my parents from 3,000 miles away, it’s nice to be able to help his family.

I’m stretched a little thinner than I like but trying to keep it in balance.

I haven’t felt like posting for a while. I haven’t felt like keeping tabs on myself, trying to “get it right”, coaxing or bribing or bullying myself to do things. And I’ve been kinda avoiding 43T because I felt a bit of a fraud being here when I wasn’t really working on anything on my list.

I feel fine, not at all down or discouraged or even particularly unmotivated; if anything I’m actually doing a bit better with some of my goals than I usually do when I am posting about them, but it’s in a very natural, unforced kinda way – when it happens it’s great, and when it doesn’t happen, that’s ok too. Maybe it’s the time of year, a kind of slowing down and drawing in. I’m certainly feeling the hibernating impulse – I’m really enjoying getting home each evening, drawing the curtains to shut the world out, and curling up with a blanket and a book.

So I’m giving myself permission to take a break and just coast for a while. I’ll still be here, enjoying the posts and company of my friends, but I’m not going to beat myself up over not doing anything particular myself. I trust my get-up-and-go to come back when the time is right.

I’m going to utterly neglect my goals next week. From October 1st to October 8th, I’m going to fully embrace “good enough.” I’ll still be posting here. I just won’t try to achieve a thing except keeping my job and staying alive.

No unravelling my unhealthy thought patterns. No watching what I eat and feeling guilty about doing too little and not exercising. No attempts to discover what I want in a job, a relationship, a spiritual connection or the world around me. Just me. Living my life.

I predict more napping and a messy apartment.

met up with old friends.
ate whatever we wanted.
wasn’t online and didn’t touch computer for 48 hours.
had bed picnic.
just enjoyed the days. ...
let my soul be free..

stop thinking for 20 seconds or so.

From the July 2007 issue of Shape magazine:

“The worst time to shop? After passing on that piece of cake, according to a recent study in the Journal of Consumer Research. Two groups of people were asked to write down any thoughts they had in six minutes; one was told not to think about a specific image (in this case, a white bear). Afterwards, individuals in both groups went shopping with the same amount of money. Those who had been required to exercise self-control spent nearly three times as much as those allowed to think freely. The lesson: “Your willpower is limited,” says study author Kathleen Vohs of the University of Minnesota. “It’s hard to exercise control in more than one major way at a time.”

Interesting, no? I have to wonder what would have happened if self-imposed self-control had been tested, instead of self-control driven by external authority.

I didn’t want to do anything and didn’t think about my goals.. (because I was too drunk to do anything!) eeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk

This is how I feel today.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dreams.png