communicate better

No one is perfect at communication. You should practice the skills of communication. Keep watching yourself

I’ve become a lot better at making small talk. I’ve noticed that when I meet my parents’ friends or speak to people I don’t know that well (for example at our tennis club) these days, I’m not nearly as awkward as I used to be. I’ve engaged several people in interesting conversations by smiling a lot, making the right kind and right amount of eye contact, paying attention to what they’re saying and finding some common ground. I’m even less bored – before I used to want to run out of places like that.

Liz and Kup leave tomorrow afternoon. Tonight we went out for drinks and then dinner at the waterfront. It was a hilarious evening, filled with people-watching, giggling, garlic-y snails and too-loud music.

I don’t think that Kylie and I are as close as we used to be, but I feel that generally this month has gone smoothly, and that our last night at least was a very pleasant one. I might spend a day with them at their hotel (they’ll be there for another week) and I will be meeting Kylie when I fly to London, even though I’ve decided to stay with relatives, instead of at her place.

I couldn’t save our friendship, but that’s just because we’re veering in different directions, becoming different – and pretty incompatible – people. But I did learn to control my temper, smile when I didn’t feel like it and be gracious when I wanted to be rude. And I learned that it’s worth it to be all those things, because it makes everyone happier.

I was being hassled again as I walked home from the hairdresser’s. When I turned to wait to cross, the catcalling continued. There was a group of teenage boys behind me. One daring one approached me as his friends watched and continued laughing. Instead of being mortified, as usual, I was just pissed off. I turned and stared right at him and said, “Do you know Dr. xxx ?”. Looked unsettled, he said “Yes, I know him”. I smiled and said, “I’m glad you do, because I’m his daughter and I’m going to meet him right now”. Now he was looking like he clearly regretted bothering me because he looked really uncomfortable and said, “Oh…that’s good” and headed back to his friends who all shut up and went on their way.

In this place, if you’re related to a well-known doctor, people leave you alone. I used that to communicate my displeasure and felt quite satisfied as I strolled down the street.

Learn to appreciate others.

The conversations I’ve had over wine at the dinner table recently have made the little annoyances that I moan to my mum about worth enduring. I’m trying to complain less because it seems hypocritical to rant about people and then spend time with them – but in this case, I really do enjoy spending time with them, there are just a million little things that they do (and that I notice because we’re all living together) that I haven’t learned to let go of completely.

Kup and I were stretching into strange positions on the bed today and discussing our plans for the next week. Liz is very interesting, I like having her around.

I’m emotional and that’s not a trait I’m trying to rid myself of. However, in certain situations, it just isn’t appropriate to be emotional. I’ve been forcing myself to bite my tongue, keep a neutral tone (as opposed to an irritated, impatient voice), and be as patient as I would be with a boyfriend. I’ve tried it a few times now, during arguments and when I have to help someone I don’t really want to help, and it’s had great results; points come across more clearly and effectively this way, since when people get annoyed and shout, they only listen to themselves. It’s also helped me focus more on solving the problem (in the helping case) than on my issues with the person, and doing a much better job than I would have if I’d given a half-hearted attempt. The person is also a lot more satisfied and grateful (their heartfelt thanks for small things can be quite rewarding), and you don’t leave the memory of someone who only grudgingly helps, with a sulk on her face, tapping toes and a bad grace.

Sometimes, being forced to make an effort can have wonderful results. Being in a situation where I couldn’t just run away and turn my back on the friendship immediately when things weren’t going smoothly really helped build my tolerance and patience. What’s more, it was worth it.

Yes, the things about my friend that grated on my nerves still annoy me – but I’m sure there are things that I do that irritate her too. There are are also a lot of things about her that I love, and making that extra effort when differences seem too stark got me to a place where I was reminded of why we are friends. Some friendships are worth suffering through the disagreements which are bound to arise. This is one of them.

We’ve indulged our vanity, walked in the fresh night air to make up for our heavy lunches, felt the sun on our skin and had deep conversations on my roof and in my bed. Irritating habits and negative traits annoy one a lot less when there are recent memories of complicity and intimacy.

I think this experiennce has taught me not to give up so easily on people and on relationships, particularly those that have been very important to me at some point or other. I think I’ll also be much more tolerant in future and not just dismiss people if I don’t take to them initially. If I don’t hate someone I meet, I’ll give him a chance, instead of focusing on whatever’s irritating me. Focusing on those things really does actually bring out the worst in a person and ruins any existing or budding relationship.

I’m having a good holiday, and I’ll think twice before dismissing anyone just because they have a few annoying ticks or because one of their character weaknesses is apparent.

Patience, tolerance and not being so selfish for at least a little while really do make a difference.

My goal to be a good hostess to my friends? It’s off to a bad start. On the first day that one of my old friends was here, I managed to get into a fight with her and find myself wishing that the end of the holiday would hurry up and come.

I just don’t feel that we click anymore – we’ve only seen each other a handful of times for brief periods in the past years, we used to be best friends when we were kids – and our outlook and approach to life are incompatible. I just find myself feeling annoyed and irritated. I’m also really bad at sharing my room and the invasion of space is bothering me too. I was just settling back in at home and now my routine is broken, my usual comforts aren’t mine. There’s a lot more to all this than can be written down here – it’s to do with me, with her, with my insecurities and the nature of this relationship.

Still, I vowed to be a good host to help myself communicate better. It’ll just be more of a challenge now that I have to be a good host to someone I don’t really want in my home. I guess I’ll try to take this as a positive experience that will test and strengthen my patience, tolerance and ability to communicate effectively without being offensive.

I’m also really sad that I feel this way about someone I hoped I would be friends with forever, unrealistic as that seems. This has just been a long, ranty post, I’ll stop now.