define myself

The last few entries I have gone into various details on what “define myself” means, why it’s important, yadda yadda. But something is missing, or something is not quite right, and I can’t figure out just what.

Gaah- what is it?!?

I think it’s something to do with- I only have power over myself. But I interact with the world/others, and this can influence things. And yet, that’s not power over things. How to say it? How to better word it or be more specific? What important detail am I overlooking here?

I feel like I have to figure this out.

I want to be whole, already.

“I’m afraid we’re losing the real virtues of living life passionately in the sense of taking responsibility for who you are- the ability to make something of yourself and feel good about life. Existentialism is often discussed as if it were a philosophy of despair, but I think the truth is just the opposite.

“Sartre, once interviewed, said he never felt one minute of despair in his life. One thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance, of feeling on top of it, it’s like your life is yours to create.

“I’ve read the post modernists with some interest, even admiration, but when I read them I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as being fragmented of marginalized, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses.

“And when Sartre talks about responsibility, he’s not talking about something abstract. He’s not talking about the kind of self or souls that theologians would talk about. He’s talking about you and me talking, making decisions, doing things, and taking the consequences.

“It might be true that there are six billion people in this world, and counting, but nevertheless — what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms, to other people, and it sets an example.

“In short, I think the message here is that we should never write ourselves off or see each other as a victim of various forces. It’s always our decision who we are.”

/Robert C. Solomon (1942-2007)

living life passionately- in the sense of taking responsibility for who you are.

Be the active author of your own identity and your own life- I mean, if you’re not passionate about that, what can you be passionate about?

He’s talking about you and me talking, making decisions, doing things, and taking the consequences.

Accept responsibility for who you are and what you do- because it is empowering. Crazy thought, eh?

In any case, isn’t it worth it, to live instead of exist?

I’m defining who? I’m defining myself.

Nobody else has the power to define me, but neither do I have the power to define anyone else. I define how I perceive and experience them- not what they are. I can’t change other people (and that includes helping them too, unless they let me), and quite frankly I’m not supposed to do that. I’m not responsible for that. I’m not really responsible for changing the world, either, particularly for saving the world, or anybody in it. If I get caught up in trying to define everything else, I lose all track of the one thing I can do, which is to define me.

So, I tend myself, I define myself, and what do you know? Doing that makes a difference.

Who is defining me? I’m defining me.

Why is responsibility seen as such a ball and chain? When I bring about good consequences, I most certainly do want to be held responsible for that- and I’ll gladly be held responsible for my mistakes as well if that’s the flip side of the coin. The more I own what I do, the more I understand that it’s because of this responsibility that I am powerful. The responsibility connects my identity to my actions, which is why I can define myself at all.

I read once “some people think that, because they are free to do X, they are free from censure for doing X”- that freedom to act entails freedom from the consequences, too. But if that were the case, then how would choice be any better than chance or fate? How could anything ever be meaningful, much less personal or empowering? Knowing that when you interact with the universe, you bring things about- that’s pretty damn amazing. Knowing that it stays connected to you is more amazing still.

People always tend to think that responsibility follows after power, the unwanted tag-along. I think it’s much closer to the truth to say that power follows responsibility, as a natural consequence, and is impossible without it.

How do I define myself? I’m doing it right now.
Hey, it’s happening, whether I’m consciously guiding the process or not.

I am what? I’m doing it.

Do or do not. There is no try.
Yoda

It’s the doing which defines me.

What I think does not (in itself) define me. In my head I might think a great many things about myself, but if my actions are not consistent with those thoughts, then I am only engaging in self-delusion and self-deception. I am only kind when I act in kindness. I am only beautiful when I act in beauty. I am only honest when I act in honesty.

I may have many talents or riches or great luck, but, for example, it is no use to say that I am intelligent, unless I act intelligently. Or that I am artistic, unless I use my artistic talent. Or that I am skillful, unless I use that skill.

What I have does not define me. There is no meaning in saying that I am wealthy; what matters is what I do with my wealth. Or that I am lucky; what matters is what I do with that luck. (This also applies to negative ideas of myself as well: it is absurd to say that I am hateful, unless I do hateful things; or that I am an idiot, unless I do idiotic things; or that I am worthless, unless I do worthless things.)

Also, when people ask us who we are, we often reply in terms of relationships. I am a sister, or a pupil, or a coworker, or a friend. Again, it does not matter what relationships I have, only what I do in them, how I actively engage in them.

Every time I make a decision- every time I act, think, learn, or change; and every time I don’t- I define myself. My every action, and inaction, my every choice continually redefines me. Not, what I should’ve/could’ve, but what I did or didn’t. My actual behavior, not my possible behavior.

How do I define myself better? Know who I am and who I want to be.

Cultivate awareness.

The more I am aware of and understand myself, the situation, and the options, the more I can be proactive about the whole thing. Be aware of who and how I really am, and of who I want to be. Lots of self-probing (be aware that ego is not self!) and coming to grips with reality. That way I will know better what to do.

Why is it important to actively define myself?

In defining myself, I am defining my life and how I want to experience and interact with the world.

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Anais Nin

To an overwhelming extent, how I experience the world depends on how I experience and define myself. I tend to find only as much beauty, love, grace, kindness, and magic in the world- in other people- as I find in myself. And, just as importantly, I tend to find only as much hate, spite, cruelty, fear, and apathy in the world- in others- as I find in myself. As far as I recognize myself as damned, I live in damnation. As far as I recognize myself as blessed, I live in blessing. As far as I can truly understand and love myself, I can truly love and understand those around me.

I am the only person (or force, being, etc) who can define myself. Nothing else has this power. Nothing and nobody can take it away from me. I am responsible for how I use it.

There is a temptation to be passive, and a victim and a martyr to boot, and say that other things define me. No. The only time other things define me is when I internalize those other things and try to pass the buck onto them- but internalizing them was my choice (whether or not that choice was conscious), and I can always choose to oust them from my system or stop listening to them and start listening to something else (whether or not that is easy). My parents screwed me up? Yet my parents do not wake up behind my eyes in the morning, and eat my cereal for me. Love swept me away? Yet love is something that I do, not someplace that I fall, or something that happens to me. The system manipulates me, pushes my buttons? Yet I choose how I engage with others, or if I engage with them at all. Also, I am not a robot, and I am not enslaved by a remote control. Fate has spoken? Yet I choose how I deal with that fate. The world won’t give me a chance? Yet, again, back to Anais Nin, I am the world.

“When a man tells me, in explanation of his anti-social behavior, that he is easily led, I ask him whether he was ever easily led to study mathematics or the subjunctives of French verbs.”

Life at the Bottom
Theodore Dalrymple

Ultimately all my power in this life comes back to defining myself.

That is all I can really do in this world. And yet, it is all I really need to do. And I have that power.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God,
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
A Return To Love

Actively define who I am, become who I want to be, and believe in myself on this journey. Be true to myself and my potential, and I will be true to the world.

Learn to limit yourself, to content yourself with some definite thing, and some definite work; dare to be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not and to believe in your own individuality.

Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Limiting, resigning, letting go… not the things that come first to mind when we think of unlocking our potential and all that. Got to focus, direct that potential too, though. Got to know who we don’t want to be, who we can’t be, to know who we do want to be, can be.

Surely it’s for the best to define those limits/boundaries ourselves, instead of letting the world or the situation we find ourselves in do it for us? It’s just… hard.

I am a healthy, happy person in general with a desire to learn and grow.

I have goals for the future. I want to be known for being a good cook, an articulate woman, a hard working marketing executive, a well-travelled person who is positive and someone who is mentally strong.

When working on my boundary issues, I have to remind myself to “Take care of your own self”. Primarily in the context of, Stop giving all of your energy and resources to other people at the detriment of your own health and sanity; but also in the context of, You can’t fix other people’s problems for them or make them see the light or make things work out for them. Instead, concentrate on what you can do something about- your own problems, behaviors, mindset.

It makes me focus on what is me, and what is you. Me, I can and should be responsible for. You, I can respect and either live with or without. But that’s all.

Hank Williams’ take on this Latin injunction:

Just mind your own business (Mind your own business)
If you mind your own business, then you won’t be minding mine
If you mind your own business, you’ll stay busy all the time

Winners and Losers
Social Distortion

Winners and losers, turn the pages of my life
We’re beggars and choosers, with all the struggles and the strife
I got no reason to turn my head and look the other way
We’re good and we’re evil, which one will I be today?

There’s saints and sinners
Life’s a gamble and you might lose
There’s cowards and heroes
Both have been known now to break the rules
There’s lovers and haters
The strong and the weak will all have their day
We’re devils and angels
Which one will I be today?

Chorus:
Are you happy now with all the choices you’ve made?
Are there times in life when you know you should’ve stayed?
Will you compromise and then realize the price is too much to pay?
Winners and losers, which one will you be today?

There’s a light and a dark side
Standing at the crossroads, there we’ll meet
There’s prophets and fools there
The lies and the truth, will be at our feet
I got a reason to turn my head and look the other way
Its heaven and hell here, which one will I live today?

Chorus:
Are you happy now with all the choices you’ve made?
Are there times in life when you know you should’ve stayed?
Did you compromise and then realize the price was too much to pay?
Winners and losers, which one will you be today?

Which one will you be today?
Which one will I be today?

/Hadn’t heard that one in a while.