Collect and Compile 100 Sarcastic & Witty Quotes

36. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Mark Twain)

37. I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. (Oscar WildeOh, how I love this man’s words!)

38. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? (Stephen Wright)

39. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. (Jack Handey)

40. If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut. (Albert Einstein)

41. Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. (Josef Stalin)

42. Death solves all problems: no man, no problem. (Joseph Stalin)

43. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. (George W. Bush, signing $471-billion defense-spending bill)

(I’m sorry, I can’t resist. I just burst out laughing when I read that one. Read it carefully and you’ll see why)

44. You will find it a distinct help… if you know and look as if you know what you are doing. (IRS training manual)

45. If your eyes are set wide apart you should be a vegetarian, because you inherit the digestive characteristics of bovine or equine ancestry. (Dr. Linard Williams Medical Officer to the Insurance Institute of London, 1932)

46. We are guilty of believing that Jesus Christ chose only those of His own race to be his 12 disciples, and that he did not go out and choose two Chinese, two blacks, two Indians, two Arabs, two women or two homosexuals, therefore he would be called a Supremacist, Racist and Bigot by today’s worldly standards. (Pastor Dave Barley)

31. I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up. (Lenny Bruce)

32. Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite
(Germaine Greer)

33. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her
(Ellen DeGeneres)

34. Don’t be humble. You’re not that great. (Golda Meir)

35. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra)

21. People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird & they take Prozac to make it look normal Bangstrom

22. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened Rita Rudner

23. Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two year old. son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list Denis Leary

24. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? Warren Hutcherson

25. We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms’ Elayne Boosler

26. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash Jerry Seinfeld

27. You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner Aristophanes

28. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is Ellen DeGeneres

29. Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player Marsha Warfield

30. I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget Michael McShane

11. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What should I eat, someone else’s cake instead? George Carlin

12. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read Groucho Marx

13. If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. George Carlin

14. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car Carrie Snow

15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing Emo Phillips

16. Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa? Bart Simpson

17. My mom was a ventriloquist & she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father Wendy Leibman

18. Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus Bob Rubin

19. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place Johnny Carson

20. You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They got mochaccino, they got chocaccino, frappaccino, rappaccino, Al Pacino, what the fuck?! Denis Leary

1. Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
2. I’ve given up the search for reality; now I’m just looking for a good fantasy.
3. If you can’t say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.
4. Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
5. If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
6. “Obstruction of justice? No sir, we prefer to think of it ‘avoiding complications’.”
7. Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
8. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
9. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating. One day, I shall be a sweet, succulent escargo of quiescence…until then, I practice.
10. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating. One day, I shall be a sweet, succulent escargo of quiescence…until then, I practice.