learn to let go

Little by little I am doing this ut something always triggers me and makes me worry about what I am doing wrong. This one is so hard. I can’t move on without completely doing it.

on ‘letting go?”

If you’re in a bad mood;
you know that you’re in a bad mood;
nothing anynoe can possibly do or say can snap you out of this bad mood;
you want to scream and cry your eyes out at the same time;
do not know what to do-how to deal with “yourself” in an “appropriate” manner;
what does one do?

at the moment i’m at work. smiling sweetly at everyone, being courteous, being cheery, being the face everyone wishes they were- happy and cute WHATEVER…..

i DO NOT feel like any of that. i’m dying inside. i’m hopeless. helpless. out of control-yet composed. smiling-yet crying inside. not happy and i don’t know why.

can not let go of this feeling.

This oneis tough because I keep reverting tomy okd ways.

This is a lot harder than I thought. I really think that this might be the hardest thing I have ever done.

I was abused by a family friend. Every sense I was abused I have felt I was ugly. He made me feel like I was ugly. For years I went on and had even blocked it out enough to live a normal life. But the problem is that every guy that I meet and doesn’t like me or I do something I think is wrong,I am really hard on myself because I feel like I am being abused all over again. I feel like someone is abusing me because they think I am ugly. And I get really defensive so we can’t even be friends. I just had to vent because it really hurts. I am starting counseling on Thursday I will see how it goes. I will definitely think positively. I have definitely got to make this goal happen.

The other day my Mum left a note in the kitchen for me to fix the roast for her at about 1500. She’d asked me the previous day but left the note in case I forgot. So, dad gets home at about 1430 and is in the kitchen getting lunch just as I begin preparing the lamb. dad is one that simply must comment on everything so, I’m waiting for it as he’s watching me. Now I wouldn’t mind if the comment was something like, ‘that looks good’ or ‘you’re doing a good job’ or ANYTHING that’s remotely positive. Instead he says “why are you using that knife?” and goes on to tell me (not in a nice way-mind in a: you/don’t/know/anything/you’re/so/dumb way) which knife I ‘should’ be using blah blah blah.

I came home later and asked mum if it was alright- and SHE started telling me about which knife I should have used-obviously dad couldn’t’ leave it alone and complain to mum about it.
Apparently when you’re having roast lamb; you can totally tell which knife was used to stuff the garlic into the lamb in when it’s cooked! Amazing. (How could I be so ignorant of this?)

I guess someone who’s reading this may think that I’m a brat who still lives at home and should quit complaining- fair enough-BUT- in my defence>
Ok my Mum is very involved in her religious ‘organisation’, and just recently my dad started to get more ‘involved’ (WHATEVER) and now he’s got a new ‘holy’ act (this REALLY gets me going-if there’s one thing that gets me mad- it’s hypocrisy). Anyway- MY POINT ;) – the bible says (as I’m reminded) that one should “honour your (their) parents”> regardless of anything they do or say. Well…. what do we think about that? I say respect is earnt- and that is ‘regardless’ of ‘who’ you are and/or related to.

isn’t that fair?

That struggles with this. I have such a need to control everything and be in control, that I have a hard time just letting life take me where it will and being okay with it. I’m also afraid of what other people might think. I feel I have so much to do and failure is not an option. But it causes me so much stress, if I could just go with the flow, I might feel more liberated.

My dad and I have a classic ‘love-hate’ relationship. (Most of the time it’s hate but anyway I’m trying…)

The other day, I walked into the lounge and he and my sister were watching some show. I just came in to watch the dad in the show tell his son that he’s grounded for a week. I ask my sister what the boy did to get grounded, and she says that the boy called his father’s T.V show a ‘joke.’ I said ‘so?’- implying that that’s no big deal. And dad turns to me and tells me to shut up!

My dad doesn’t just say shut up. It incorporates a whole lot more than just telling me to be quiet. He says it in such an aggressive, hateful, resentful tone. That hurts my feelings. You wouldn’t speak that way to ANYBODY let alone your own daughter who you’re ‘supposed’ to love. Some people might say, “Well at least you have a father.” Fine, if you want a father that hates you and treats you terribly and speaks to you terribly and puts down everything you do or say or attempt or conceive. I’d rather have not a father than one who fits that description.

POINT OF THIS ENTIRE ENTRY: I eventually walked away. I went into the kitchen, put some chestnuts on; spoke to mom who witnessed the argument and explained my perception of the situation and how it’s wrong for a parent to speak so awfully to their child REGARDLESS of the circumstances. After I chatted a little with mom, I went up stairs to my room and I felt fine!!! I truly let it go AND I didn’t have the usual awful feeling…

It’s been 8 months without any move.
I need to get that out of my life.
But it seems like the hardest thing to do, I feel so weak right now.

Lots of us appreciate that sometimes in life, its the ‘small’ things that actually mean a lot.
A wink from someone who you thought didn’t really like you; a smile from a predictable; your tomatoes that have ripened beautifully; just a bright sunny day….

In saying that, (for me) it also applies to upset.
That ‘bad hair’ day; the rush hour traffic that you just happen to get stuck in because you spent an extra 15 minutes trying to fix your non-compliant hair; your boss who’s also having a bad day and notices that you’re 20 mins late and gives you an earful on punctuality; oh and that random down-pour of rain on your lunch break- that came from nowhere and caught you without an umbrella…

Experts have said for quite some time now, that stress is a killer. Patients who’ve gone in for major surgery and who have low stress levels almost always, come out far better than ones who have been stressing right up until they’ve been yanked up onto the table and anethetised.

That being the case, wouldn’t you agree that ‘letting go’ – could really be worth a lot more than what it’s usually taken for. So, my mini-goal within this goal is to start trying.

1st- as soon as i ‘feel’ that i’m getting upset, i’m going to count (in my mind of course!) Dave Pelzer used this as an example in his book Moving Forward. When he was a boy and was in an awful situation beyond his control, he used to count slowly. There’s no point in responding to a situation if your thinking is clouded by your emotions and what you’re feeling at the time…. here goes!