don't let others destroy my interests and loves

strangely enough, moving away did help things considerably.

i think i woke up, somehow. money or safety doesn’t matter that much, i realized.

that awful job i had? i quit. only three more days & never again.
pursuing that academic degree that made me cry at nights more than once? i take it easy this year and then, something completely different. (environmental politics, probably!)

i’ve never felt more scared or happy or free.

I’m getting weary. There are people around me oozing negativity at (pretty much) everything I do, and in return expecting full positivity, understanding and a happy face from me at every turn they make. I understand there are things I could’ve done differently, and I understand I took the role of the ‘bad guy’ on purpose, intending to bear it until the end, just to help, but still,
I’m growing weary of this.

I need change. Luckily, the change is arriving.

I know that moving from one place to another doesn’t mean I’m getting away from myself, but at least I have to think everything over. Declutter this flat, and myself, if you will.

And until then,
and after that too,
I just need to take a deep breath and let all the shit slide past.

I am who I am, and there are some people who actually love me. Even though I’ve cried on their shoulder for hours, or crawled in their bed utterly drunk in the middle of the night with thousand little pins in my head to get rid of, or almost got them killed in a bizarre almost-car accident in Turku.

I just need to remember that they love me, even if I can’t keep my head straight, or my room clean, or my eating habits normal.

And if they love me, what more can I ask.

Right now, I’m working with people who, well – most of them – are racist and homophobic.
It’s harder than I thought it would be, there is no time and I have no energy to argue with them, so I just keep silent. It’s somewhat difficult to be up to 12 hours a day with people who think very differently than you do. I could take this as a challenge, I guess?

They also pity me – just because I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband.
This pisses me off for several reasons. First of all, of course I don’t have a boyfriend. I like girls, you idiots. I have said it many times in different conversations. Apparently, I have to “come out” properly before they get it. And.. uh, I don’t think it’s worth it. My sexuality isn’t the most important thing about me..
which brings me to my second point:

does one have to be in love in order to be happy?

does one have to have sexual or romantic relationships in life to be happy?

Hell, I’ve never have any of those and here I was thinking I was very happy and content with my life.

I’m sorry about obvious spelling mistakes and probable flaws in grammar – I’m kinda worked up.

I don’t think anyone does it maliciously, they generally think they are saving you from yourself. A lot of the mistakes I have made have been the result of my being dissuaded; or swayed; by others. No other sure fire way to land in the shit than this.I keep falling into the same trap and believing that others will know best; that I should go for the safe options, or the least crazy. Yet I am no happier or prosperous as a result. Ironically, the one bit of advice that will save you from this is…be very wary of other peoples helpful advice.

“the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says

would you prefer the easy way?
no?
well, ok then
don’t cry”

ani difranco – joyful girl

this isn’t really something I need to work on.

In fact, it’s possible that I should have an opposite-type goal (along the lines of “value the opinions of others more”). ;-p

My boyfriend (of less than a year), J and I have a mutual friend (formerly my best friend of 10 years, but we haven’t been in touch lately).

This mutual friend became good friends with J over the last few years, as the friend and I spoke less often. Now J and I are together, and mutual friend is very clearly not in favour of this. He has been making efforts to sabotage us. J has had to deal with it more than I have, because I am not in Canada now.

I can see that he might feel “excluded” or something. Plus his own relationship is in big trouble (entirely his own fault). His cheating on his girlfriend AND trying to interfere in my relationship are signs that he’s insecure and unhappy.

It looks like he needs someone to put his head on straight, confrontation-style. And it’s going to have to be me. But it would be more effective and constructive for him if I wait and do it in person. That means I’ll have to sit on it until August. I hope I have the patience to wait that long.

Fireworks in August. Appropriate, no?! ;-)

to me this means:

I don’t want to live according the rules of society. I don’t want to be a woman or a girl or a grown-up,

I want to be me. I don’t want to take the easy way if it only makes me unhappy.

if you let others determine ur dreams and future than what does that say about you. you need to tkae control of your own wants and not let people stop u. i refuse to let any one get in my way even if i feel discouraged by them, i say, are you trying to crush my dreams, but they arent. but i still believe in myself because that is something i can be selfish about and have all my own. love yourself and love your dreams and desires

drugs destroyed my interests and loves….