Get off the path of least resistance.

I was rereading my goals and paused at this one. I really would not consider myself on this path at all. I’ve worked so hard. I go to an ivy league school, I have done fun and rewarding research on brain injury, and will soon be interning at UCSD for the summer studying computational models of the heart. My life is going pretty well, and I am working hard. I have friends I love, I get out and do stuff! This is not the stuff of least resisting!

It’s all well and good to take a stand against the big things…but what I’ve been learning lately is that for a very long time, I’ve been roaring at the big things and rolling over for the little things. It doesn’t sound too bad, I guess…but it’s the little things that get you…the little things that seem to trip me up. It’s the offer to buy a plane ticket for me that never gets bought…the ‘I’ll do it for you’s that I accept, because it makes it easier…

But it’s not about being easier, is it? The story is always the same…I reach for the keys to the cage and the jailor says ‘just wait a little while longer…and I’ll give you food and clothing and an escort out of prison’. Then I wait…because it seems like a good deal…because I’m still getting what I want, right?

Wrong…

I have finally…finally…realized that the only one who can free me is me…the only way I can do any of this, the only way I can be me and reach my potential and seize my future…is to take those keys, unlock the door, and walk the hell out…ignoring those promises of how much easier it will be if I ‘just – wait – a – little – longer.’

My whole life I have allowed those around me to determine the course of my future. I have had dreams…I have had goals…and I have allowed them to crumble in the face of uncertainty, disbelief, lack of faith…resistance.

I am tired of living the life of someone else, tired of trying to please everyone around me, tired of sacrificing my dreams for the sake of what is ‘right’ or ‘sensible’ or ‘responsible’ to everyone else.

Mostly, I am tired of being scared of making the wrong decision…

Today we were informed that two permanent positions will be opening up in our currently temporary jobs…this means a pay increase, job security, benefits, and a slight boost in respect from everyone else. I considered applying…I agonized over it, in fact…and I finally reached a decision.

I have dreams and I have goals that do not include staying in a job I hate. I HATE this job…from the beginning, it was a temporary job…a stepping stone to where I truly want to be. I will not allow a stepping stone to become a plateau. Screw security, screw benefits, screw higher pay…I feel like I relinquish my soul every morning as I swipe my little ID card across the scanner…as I walk through hallways filled with people who don’t smile genuine smiles…as I become a position and cease to be a person. Every day I sit in a room and I turn a person…a real person with a real family and a real story…into a number…one of so many other numbers. I hate my job, and I refuse to sell out for the sake of being responsible…or safe.

I choose the path of most resistance…I choose to follow my heart and take back my soul…I choose to accept the consequences of my decision…and, should the future prove to be difficult because of my choices now, I choose to face every day knowing that I was true to myself and I honored my dreams.

That’s worth more to me than a paycheck.

Right now I am in the process of taking a long hard unpleasant look at my marriage, which while having all the external appearances of being “perfect”, leaves some major things to be desired. I am almost around to having a nice long chat with my husband about some things that have been left to languish. For me this is a seriously scary thing, because it means bursting the thin bubble and inviting trouble (along with bad feelings) into my calm and safe little world. But its time, and besides, I am a life with both hands sort of gal…..though I often loose sight of that very important fact about myself. Ah, spring, season of rebirth.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices that I’ve made in the past few years, and back beyond that too. I wonder some times if I don’t sell myself a little short by going the easy way, sticking to my comfort zones, choosing the sure thing.
Maybe I am a bit of a coward.