allow myself to be happy

It’s not like I was depressed about life. Don’t get me wrong, I love life. I love it so much sometimes it makes the people around me sick. But it seemed like I was achieving everything I desired, and it began to surprise me. I’m only nineteen, and big things were happening. I couldn’t believe they were, so I kept thinking that they were going to leave me, and I couldn’t be fulfilled by them anymore. But it seems after time, I realize that this is something that not only won’t leave my side, doesn’t want to.

And I don’t want him to leave either…

In the wake of my father’s death I realized something: life is too short to be miserable. So, I decided to get busy being happy. I am following my dreams, letting myself be loved, and doing what I “want” as opposed to what I “think I should do”. I am still working on not caring what people think about me. That’s a tough one, and causes me the majority of my anxiety. But, overall, I would say that I am definitely in the mindset of allowing myself to be happy and I intend to stay here. I deserve it.

I am still working on this. Project one: allow someone to love me without freaking out and finding something wrong with the other person.

I have decided that now is not the right time to apply to law school. There is a reason why I couldn’t finish my applications. It was because, deep down inside, I didn’t really want to go. I am just reaching a point in my life where the chaos is subsiding. For the last two and a half years, it has been one catastrophe after another. I would like some time to rest, relax, and enjoy my life. I want to take my dance lessons, learn french, and travel through Europe before I go back to school. Also, given that my father’s health is uncertain and my mother and brother’s lives are still up in the air, I could really use this next year to help them get back on track. That way, when I do go off to school the following year, I will not be preoccupied with my family at home.

I am really excited about the year ahead. The best part about applying next year: I got all of the hard stuff of the application process done this year. Next year will be an absolute breeze.

I don’t care if people think I am making excuses. I am the only one that knows what is right for me. It’s not as if I am in some cosmic race with other individuals. I will achieve my goals in my own time. If someone doesn’t like it—they can kiss my ass.

in retrospect… it is all about immersing oneself in a group. Subconsciously we realize we are part of a whole. When we become part of a group, or alow ourselves to socialize and belong to an organization, whatever caused self hate to germinate, no longer holds any strength. I dont know why though. I dont know why it can be worn away. There are varying degrees of it. But it seems as soon as I forget about trying to reverse and erase my self hate, i cannot find it. For some reason, the answer to reversing the need to persecute oneself, is other people. My independent sense of self, unhappily admits this, though it is true. We feed what grows. I stopped feeding the want to stop hating myself.i just jumped into action. action for others.
I hope it lasts. Somehow, when i am by myself, eating, or drinking, i subconsciously try to suffocate myself. and after i eat i have to catch my breath. thats not cool. thats very not cool.

in retrospect… it is all about immersing oneself in a group. Subconsciously we realize we are part of a whole. When we become part of a group, or alow ourselves to socialize and belong to an organization, whatever caused self hate to germinate, no longer holds any strength. I dont know why though. I dont know why it can be worn away. There are varying degrees of it. But it seems as soon as I forget about trying to reverse and erase my self hate, i cannot find it. For some reason, the answer to reversing the need to persecute oneself, is other people. My independent sense of self, unhappily admits this, though it is true. We feed what grows. I stopped feeding the want to stop hating myself.i just jumped into action. action for others.
I hope it lasts. Somehow, when i am by myself, eating, or drinking, i subconsciously try to suffocate myself. and after i eat i have to catch my breath. thats not cool. thats very not cool.