sort my life out

I guess that is why we are all here, trying to release our fears and desires, and make the most of ourselves.

2009 has been a HUGE road change for me. In June my boyfriend of 2 years left me, and moved back to his home on the east coast. I thought he was the “one”. Had to deal with awful awful heart break, and the realization that trust and relationships are much harder than I thought. After that blow I was still a little optimistic, I had gotten accepted to art shool in NY, Pratt to be exact. This has been my dream since I was in high school, to attend art school.
But yet again I couldnt get approved for loans, and so I wasnt able to attend, now im here, with the same job, thinking about my next move…... Im rethinking my life, where do i go next ? school ? Passions? Dreams? Well they have left my body at the moment, I feel like I am in a coma, and cant tap into myself and figure out what is best…...

Well i’m dieting, which is a start. But i’m still miserably behind at school. I have to get my act together, its priority atm.

By the end of the week i must:

1.) Give both english essays to my teacher (WED)
2.) Give in completed history notes and essay questions (THURS)
3.) Give in short history paragraph summary thingy (THURS)
4.) Give in fake “absent” note to the school office (WED)
5.) Do some more art coursework (THURS)

OMG my head is going to explode with stress. My life needs to be sorted out big time. I might go and see a counseller.

1. movin next week
2.decide whether to do a masters, teaching course or just a good job

Why i need to sort my life out and how i am going to do it:

1.) Behind on my as work. I need good grades so badly. Mocks in like a week and a half, and i havn’t started revision yet, and i still have so much other work to do. Yet every night i get home and do nothing.

HOW – Gradual process. Work in the library every day after school, and use your frees and class time to do work.

2.) Insomnia. I havn’t had more than 4 hours sleep in so long. I’m exhausted and its making me ill, and affecting my school work and personality.

HOW – Gradual process. Cut back on caffeine. Nytol. Horlicks. ? Its probably linked to stress aswell.

3.) Friends. I used to have so many, then i moved away from london, and i failed to click with anyone properly in my sixth form. I have people i talk to, but no1 to hang out with at lunch or the weekend. My self esteem is so low, and i find it hard to really go and make the effort. I am so lonely :( I want my social life back.

HOW – Clear skin and weightloss will improve my confidence. I hope.I just need to bite the bullet and talk more, be more outgoing etc..

4.) Skipping school. This is due to the friends and work thing. I’ve done it a few times, and i need to stop because it isn’t helping and i could get into trouble. I cannot get chucked out of sixth form and go to the crappy college :( I wish i could explain why i did it, but i really don’t think anyone will understand or sympathize.

HOW – Just stop doing it. You get behind, have to write fake letters, and feel guilty all day. And all though i have got away with it so far, i could get caught out. Best to quit while i’m ahead.

5.) Lose weight. I’m a size 12, but i want to be a size 8. It will improve my confidence big time.

HOW – Healthy eating, exercise. Simple as.

6.) Clear my acne. I’m on my way with this one, as i’m on accutane and its really working its magic. This again, will improve my confidnce big time.

HOW – Carry on with accutane course, eat healthily, plenty of water.

7.) Sort my room out. Its such a mess, i have so many pictures and posters to put up and work to sort out. I don’t even have my curtains up yet, just a badly put up blind. Its so bare, and doesn’t feel like my room.

HOW – Take an afternoon just to get as much as you can done.

8.) Establish a better relationship with parents. Again, it has improved. But i just get so moody.

HOW – Just being nicer, spending more time with them, stop being such a cow. Getting good results, so they’ll be proud of me.

9.) Learn to drive and pass.

HOW – Apply for provisional license this weekend. Get instructor, and start lessons after mock exams.

10.) Get a job, i need money, and it should improve my confidence, and i’ll get to meet more people.

HOW – Give CV out everywhere and hope for the best.

11.) Find a boyfriend. I really could do with feeling loved :(

HOW – Well.. once i feel more confident and i have a social life i hope to meet somebody.

12.) Stop feeling so depressed, and try and enjoy life.

HOW – See everything above.

Going to finish painting my room tomorrow!
& then the tricky part. Saving for all the other bits;
new curtains; rug; duvet covers.

I can’t wait though. It’ll be my own little haven. Candles, potpurri, cushions. ahhh.

It has been so stressful trying to find time to finish it and everythings all over the place cos it’s only half done! I did plan for it to be done by Christmas. Then I decided January. But now I’ve settled for about March because it seems more realistic :)

I dont have to tell you anything, but if you want help from me you have to trust that I’ve been there and done that,
TRUST-IT”S THE #1 INGREDIENT TO ANY RELATIONSHIP.

my AIM is domino8850
my e-mail is koloashi@hotmail.com, So if you ever want to talk…

its time for me to stand on my own two feet and take control of my life!

My biggest downfall is that im very easily influenced! and i want to be friends with everyone and not have any mad/cross at me!

Ive started a computer course and i help out with this little club for kids on saturdays and i have a job – im very proud of how things are going!

its going to take a while for me to sort out my life . . . but hopefully i can do it

I’m decorating my room next month
I think it’ll help clear my head.

I need to be more independent.
Pass my driving test, get a car then eventually move out. I also want to further my education so i can get a better job.
I’m sick of feeling sad and lonely so i need to stop being hung-up on people.
I need to find a new job because i hate all my work collegues and they are making me miserable.
On the up side, i am well on the way to forgetting about my abusive ex and that is a big weight off my shoulders.
Most of my goals on here all lead up to this big main one! :)

Start tomorrow!
I’m so excited. New people, new routine.
It’ll get me out of my rut.
On my way…