take responsibility for every action and circumstance in my life

I operate best when I have plenty of plans! My ex h used to run the whole show, and even though I haven’t seen all that much of him in the last 6 years I still sometimes saw him socially and would do things like take care of his cat when he went out of town. Now that is completely over. We are not speaking and doubtfully ever will again. Very weird for me but I certainly want to make the most out of my life now. My ex h was a really “exciting” guy. He made things happen. sure, sure, I also had a bit of personal power, but to be honest, he was the HUB. I was whirling around the energy that he provided. Time to harness my own now.

I have to go from being directed to being the director! I have to sort out what of my interests when I was married really was an interest of mine. Do I want to continue doing it or not? I have to decide what I really like and go for it. I have to remember who I was, a long time ago.

..so that I would look like I knew how to dress for court today. I was worried that the hispanic guy who did my hair colored it too dark. I had my long hair whacked off in an attempt to look more put together. These matters seem insignificant in a way..but every small action leading up to the court thing seemed very important. That whole court thing just did not go at all the way I wanted (but it could have been worse for sure). I am glad I took it as far as I could. I certainly looked like I walked straight out of “Law and Order”.
Thank goodness this part is over. Now I can turn my attention to other things (like possibly having my hair lightened. ha-ha)

my filing system leaves much to be desired. There was a time when all my papers were in order. NOW. WELL. and I need to find some papers in particular for next week.
I have to spend all day today scouring this place for two papers that I should have put into their proper places in the first place.
My fault!

I was pro-active last week pertaining to the legal thing with ex-husband. The upcoming week will give me many more opportunities to implement this goal. GO ME!

I wake up many mornings…sad..often without any bonafide reason. the thing is, I have been like this pretty much throughout my life. I know it is a super-common disorder. I stopped taking rx because the side effects of rx is worse than the problem.

I have done quite alot of reading about depression and I know that often depression is a result of feelings of helplessness. What is the antivenom for helplesslessness? Action! My new thing is to be on the lookout for dark moods and when I have them get going on an action plan. I put that dark thought there..I am in charge of dispelling it.

It seems I write up this goal or something quite similar..think I “get it” and then close out the goal only to have the same old victim mentality to fend off again. Obviously, I need to pay attention to how I slip into blaming. It is a terrible old habit.

Today I would have been married for 31 years. If I had stayed married. I find myself feeling sorry for myself and being really angry with my former husband. Does any of that do an ounce of good? NO! Somehow or another..I need to forgive and move ahead. Maybe even make a contribution somehow.

“Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”

Viktor Frankl wrote that “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”.

Power to choose my response. Yes.