Know my Worth

A friend of mine told me to read a book on codependency because she thinks that I have a problem being happy unless I make everyone else happy. I always think that I am selfish, and I can’t relate to the believe that it’s good to take care of yourself. I feel that putting yourself first is a SELFISH act.

Anyway, I started reading the book and I’m starting to feel some relief, like it’s aloud to say no. I practiced the other day with a man that wanted to sell me a plant. It was SO hard to say no but I did. I ALMOST buy it because I thought I would upset him if I said no – like he was doing me such a big favor by bringing me this plant – that I didn’t ask for – and giving me a good price. It was so hard because every excuse I gave him he would come back with something else so I would buy it.

I was so relieved when he left and I still had the money in my pocket and didn’t have a useless plant to take care of – like I need something else on my plate.

I also had the nerve to voice to a fiend of mine that I didn’t like how she was treating me. She whined and said “don’t make me feel bad” and tried to turn the tables around but at least I SAID it. Later she said she understood and then tried to BUY me stuff at the mall and pay for our food – which normally makes me feel guilty about making the other one feel bad but I have to learn what I am worth and that I cannot be brought or guilt tripped. Especially at work. I have to STOP portraying myself like a little girl that is needy and is below everyone – unfortunately that’s how I really feel. I just have to fight it.

and very likely to be extremely disappointing… I’d like to think it wouldn’t be a negative figure at least, which was more than I would say for a lot of the human population :-).

I learned early on that I’m supposed to be humble, but that has translated in so many areas of my life that I think I’ve let others take part of my fair share in life. I’ve had trouble in life being assertive. Especially in business, I end up working for free for my clients. I feel like charging someone is stealing their $. Like my work is something that I could be doing as a favor, or that it’s insane to charge more that minimum wage. I’m crazy, I know, but I guess I never learned what I’m worth. I feel like anything that will benefit me and hurt someone is being selfish. If I benefit from $ and it seems too expensive for the client, then I’m hurting them so I should try to help them. I know this whole thought process is wrong but I know that that’s how I feel – even though a part of me doesn’t agree.

I’m trying to realize what I’m worth. I know people have walked all over me and taken advantage of me. Not just with money but with so many other aspects of my life. I even keep people in my life because I know they like me, even though I can’t stand them because I feel bad. I think that God would want me to try to like them. I need to be clear about God’s boundaries because this whole thing about putting others first might be sinking me into a pit, financially and emotionally.

I wonder if this is really in the bible – putting others first. Is there ever a time when it’s okay to put yourself first? Is this biblical? Anybody with some input of this? Please help.