do something I can be proud of

I accomplished a bunch of my goals. They kind of verlapped. Fix resume, get better job, buy new car…all happened at once. I’m really proud of what I have accomplished now. It all just sort of happened, as if something had been blocking my good fortune for a long time, and the flood gates finally broke. I think it’s all about attitude. Be open to change and always look for opportunities! :)

I’m finally proud of myself, because I realized it wasn’t my fault. I apologized, even after I promised I wouldn’t. I understand now that I can’t beat myself up over the fact that two people I thought I cared about very much (and cared about me) were two people, who I didn’t know at all.

I know life is too short to waste time on people who don’t appriciate you, and to hold grudges. Especially against yourself.

I am proud of myself for starting a new chapter in my life, I’m proud because I grew and I am a better person now.

i’m proud of my self .. coz i helped a little kid once .. when a car wanted 2 hit Hit .. it was Just 1 Sec !! if i wasn’t there .. and i didn’t pull the kid .. it was .. wow .. nthn 2 say !! i’m really proud of my self .. coz i did iT

and .. also .. i’m proud of my slef .. coz i asked a person .. 2 live his life .. but .. he Kicked me out .. and went 2 da his past again .. his mistakes again !! even i asked this person AGAIN ! .. wat 2 Do .. but .. i’m still PROUD !

I do things that people say, you must be very proud and such.
I know I should be proud of my kids and I am, or even the other things but to cross this I wanted to accomplish something myself, my kids are cute on their own you know?

What makes me cross this goal off which was something I added early along with ‘be less shy” will be that, yesterday I wasn’t shy, well yes I was probably the shyest person in the room still but to my kind of shy I had a HUGE leap forward.
Here it goes:
I met a mom at the school, easy to do because she is very talkative and inviting so we became friends.

She invited me to participate in the book reading program at our library, and I read the book, and then she said there would be a meeting to discuss the book with other people…
Ehem!
I wondered if I should go, I invited my sister (for support) and she didn’t want to go.
I feel horrible in those settings, I can’t stand crowds, I turn red and want to cry if someone makes me speak in public.

Well… I went anyways, to add to my anxiety my husband got home late to baby-sit so I was late to the thing, and people look at the late comers like weird bugs, the chair they gave me was far from the rest of the people and nobody was near me, I could feel the heat on my face.

I said hi to the library lady sitting closest to me, I recognize her but she wasn’t trilled that I say hi and she turned to continue her conversation. I wondered if I had any books I hadn’t returned or if I had fines I hadn’t paid, all of a sudden I felt she was going to call the cops and started to make my escape plan.

They gave me an activity page to do and “break the ice”, it was to go around the room asking the answers to the questions; I knew a lot of it so I was glad to fill the boxes for others, and it let me do a 1 on 1 little exchange of words, and get distracted from the escape plan, and away from the library lady…

Then we ordered food (we were at a restaurant…I should have mention) and drinks, everyone had alcoholic drinks, despite my virtual parting I’m not much of a drinking person, I only have one drink every Christmas or special occasion and feel dizzy from it, but I thought either would help me socialize or at least survive the night so I wouldn’t remember if I did something dumb or said something that ruffled someone’s feathers;
not that I do that often because I hardly ever speak, people don’t remember me as someone that said something rather as the strange creature wearing something odd standing as a decoration of the room.

Anyway after they brought the food the host lady said we should introduce ourselves and say what we ordered and if it was good.

Everyone ordered HUGE platters while I only felt like tortilla soup, so I wondered how that would look like to them…the soup set me apart I wanted to belong! Everyone else had Mojitos something I heard of probably seen but first time noticed that they had salad looking things floating around and well… I settled for a frozen Margarita, I thought maybe I ‘ll say it is a frozen mojito but they will know and say I’m stupid.

They went around the table describing their platters and I look at them attentively without really digesting any of their words, while entertaining my mouth with a stale nacho and thinking how to describe my soup so it would be more wholesome and filling to their imaginations, the nacho stuck to my throat and tears started to crawl up my eyes, it was close to my turn and water wasn’t doing the trick, so I dipped another nacho in sauce hoping that the stuck one would get pushed out of the way, but the sauce had a piece of jalapeno that entered my wound (caused by the tortilla) and I felt the rush for cough but suppressed it.
My face was already red so I didn’t have to worry about that when my turn came, so I said … I’m eating tortilla soup and drinking a margarita… and quickly looked at the library lady so she would fill their imaginations with her HUGE platter of pizza mushroom nacho tostada mix of weird not Mexican food, but instead everyone looked at me as if I didn’t say enough… and expected more, including the library lady… who was looking at me as if her plate wasn’t full enough of food and wanted to swallow me too.

I turned purple, after an awkward pause of all of them studying my quizzical face, someone said well….DO YOU HAVE A NAME????
Ok more than purple there is not; I just started glowing and changing colors, and said…”I said it, my name is tortilla soup” (a joke I would think about but never say) and everyone laugh a lot, then I said my name, all settled and I passed the staff to the hungry lady on my side who was more than happy to describe her collage of food as if she had made it herself.

Things couldn’t get worse, I wouldn’t be the center of attention for a while I thought, and then they had a prize give away, only ONE!!!
I wished unlike most people at the table….”please don’t give it to me, please keep their eyes on their foods”…
But guess what??? well I gave it away with my fear already…I won the thing, a dinner for two which the prize giver put me on the spot by saying I should take her with me, which made me think…really she wants to go with me, maybe she is joking or maybe I should, I’d like to but I rather take my husband but well … mmm, I just laughed nervously wondering if she would remember by the end of the night.

Ok ok why am I proud?
Well after I was the prize winner and everyone looked at me with envy I thought “they hate me”, the library lady even looked at me as if she would snatch it and spilled her mojito on me…unfortunately I didn’t respond to my advantage there, I laughed; I like being unnoticed but I can’t stand being hated… I had to flip it and make them get to at least a neutral feeling.

The host started the book discussion and I had so much to say things I think but don’t speak, except this time I wanted to show them I read the book and liked their choice, they would at least not hate me right?
The margarita worked to pace my brain so the words made more sense coming out than they usually do, and people were looking at me nodding…
AHHH! I didn’t feel stupid, nobody got mad at me and said I got the book wrong… only once I forgot what my point was and when I said that out loud … like where was I going with this, everyone laughed, it was cool! They even forgot I won the dinner.
I disagreed with opinions yet nobody felt threatened, they took it in they were happy as if I was giving them honey; I wanted to give them honey.
I even wish they invite me again.
I’m proud that I spoke in public and I survived, at least they don’t hate me…

I wonder why the stack of books at the library mysteriously fell on me today, and the library lady grinned satisfied but …I rather think it was a love smile, yeah! She loves me, I picked the books up.