not think of suicide

Many have shown concern for me because I want to commit suicide. It is very strange that totally strangers have written to me because of this. Close family are not concerned. I have decided to replace ‘commit suicide’ with ‘not think of suicide’. I cannot make any promisses but I guess this goal is more acurate since I’m trying to create a life with the help of 43t, programs and books.

I finally got fed up with feeling hopeless. I decided that it is time to believe in something.

I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, and things are beginning to make more sense to me.

I know, I know. I felt the same way. But believe me when I say that it is so much nicer giving up all my troubles, worries and fears to God. The feeling that I am loved and taken care of is just the thing I was searching for.

I was willing to give up my life for nothing, so giving up my life for Christ was not a difficult decision. And what a miracle it has been!

I couldn’t have come to this point if it weren’t for some loving, caring people though. I owe them so much.

We get caught up in moments of despair, we become frustrated by the difficulty and unfairness of it all, we lose sight of what is positive about even the harshest realities we face and on and on… There is little that others can do to help us beyond our darkest moments, particularly when so much of each moment is lived inside our own heads. Individual realities vary, and the degree to which we are individually inclined to become addicted to those chemicals in our brains that dictate our moment to moment emotional impressions of each instants reality varies greatly as well. As you may have guessed I am speaking from experience, an experience that until now I have never shared or discussed with anybody except my wife. When I was a much younger man I went through a period where the world I saw was as bleak and dark as a night sky without stars. I became so entrenched and overwhelmed by this perception of reality that my mind began to create things to be depressed about even when there was nothing in particular to bring me down. I would find myself going through depression exercises so to speak, where I would think to myself such disturbing thoughts as “How would I feel if my Father died, what would I feel if this happened or that, etc.! Thank God that I was in the Coast Guard then, for if I had not had such an incredibly reliable, caring and vigilant family as my fellow Coasties around me I do not believe I would have survived the depression that consumed me and the attempt I made to take my own life. It began as merely an impulse to feel sad, and gradually became an overwhelming desire to give up on life. Even now, so many years removed from those dark thoughts and desires, just thinking about it fills me with such powerful emotions that I can hardly stop crying as I relate this to you. But this must be said and it must be shared because I was able to overcome those thoughts and desires and if my history can help even one of you in the world that is considering this worst of mistakes based on a deceitful perception of reality, then I shall have contributed to saving a life, and there is nothing I can think of that my God would smile on me more for than that. So before I suffer from dehydration from the tears this memory has provoked, let me just say this. Since the day that my commanding officer became concerned about my absence and ordered my crewmates to search high and low for me, found me in the nick of time and rushed me to emergency care, saving my life, I have enjoyed a million happy moments, met the love of my life, owned and operated my own business, consulted for some of the largest most successful companies in the world and am truly enjoying my life more and more with each and every passing moment that God grants me. I will write more on this subject in the future and strongly, emphatically encourage anybody that is suffering from this problem to reply to me through this article, and I promise that I will respond to you as quickly as I can, and would only ask that you await my response before doing anything that cannot reversed. God bless us all!!!

This is the worst demon of mine that I struggle with on a daily basis. Sometimes I can get so depressed and down that I just want to end it all! I don’t want to think and feel and I just want to die. There have been a few times where I have gotten dangerously close. I have taken entire bottles of pills while consuming fifths of hard liquor… I have drank too much alcohol to the point of blood poisoning… I have slit my wrists on numerous occasions… overdosed on recreational/street drugs… I have made many attempts. But for some reason I haven’t died. Even all those times I’ve tried. And my best friend pointed out to me that that was a sign from God saying, “It’s not your choice when your time is up!”
I just need to be more grateful and realize there are others who have it worse off than me. That life is only granted once. That I am a human being with value and worth. That I was created for a purpose. It is selfish of me to even think of that in the first place, but it is the only thing that seems to make sense when my world gets flipped upside down.

i cant help it.it never leaves my mind.when im washing the dishes and i pick up a knife i cant help but image stabbing myself in the heart with it.when i take aspain for a headache i cant help but think about taking the whole bottle.when i see a razor or a piece of glass i cant help but image my arm covered in blood
i know it sick but i cant help it
suicide never leaves me alone =/