I love the couch. It’s comfortable, and I can put my hands on my belly, on the regions where it aches when I tell stuff. I notice when I start to get tense and can relax easily.
Yea, couch is cool.

Doc is cool, too. 3 weeks ago I missed my appointment, coz my bike was broken, and I totally plain forgot about that. Ride to Doc’s is 10 minutes, and 15 minutes before the date I left my flat to find – no bike! Bike is at the garage, waiting for repair!

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

No bus going there, no money for a taxi, walking would take too long. So I call him and tell his answering machine that I’m not coming.
I felt so depressed, I really wanted to go, poor lill stupid chaotic unorganised Vetch, totally typical!
Sigh. I had invited Sarge, God of Arsemoving, for cleaning my flat, so perhaps his influence was at work, too. Instead of couching I cleaned my flat and wrote some job applications which were overdue.

But I was very worried, coz when you miss a session you gotta pay it out of your own pocket. And I take it that a shrink session is not cheap…
BUT
next session he said, nah, regarding my financial situation he is not charging me (I’m sure he’ll get the money from the health insurance, though). Oh phew!

Couch Hair.

On my way to Doc I didn’t giggle any more. I was quite down (have been doing a lot this weekend, but none of the things I am supposed to do). And analysis! I don’t need to talk for 45 minutes with doc saying “aha” and “soso” and then go home. I need help!

And then, me on the couch, Doc didn’t say “aha” once but interrupted my blah several times. Said sensible things. Was helpful.
We have agreed that he’ll act as my super ego for now. <|8) Yöh! I got a super ego!

Next week is a brake, he on vacation, me doing job shadowing (that the word?!?) at a low-threshold facility for a week.

Today – after only 4 sessions, eh? Oh well.
Today we decided if we want to go on. We also discussed job issues. I now have a bubble of laughter in my belly, as well as some bitter tears.

The tears are about my profession. It’s nothing new really, but having a Dr. med. psych. say it… makes it really real, y’know. He says I should forget about ‘my profession’ and get a job to earn me enough money to get along.
And yea, he is right. I don’t have any education, apart from occupational therapy, a field in which I definitely won’t get along.
And I think what a waste, I’m smart, I am talented—but not enough. Not determined enough, not ambitious and hardworking enough, not knowing what I wanna do…
And I think of my parents, both journalists, travelled the world, met amazing people, earned a lot of money. I can write as well as my Mum can, and better than my Däd.
And, ah yea, I forgot again: I am 41.

Oh well. I will weep some more, and then I’ll see that I find a job for money. Perhaps in a call centre.

What amuses me to no end is that he showed me the couch—I’ve never noticed it before, but yea, there IS a couch! And he explained in many words why such a setting is helpful, and blah, and I felt that bubble of laughter burst in my belly.
I say “Are you doing psychoanalysis then?”*
Yep.
OMG!
Heh, when I typed the job stuff above I was weeping, and now I am giggling. I may bring dreams, too.
We’re going for 25 sessions, then we’ll decide if we do, what, 2 years?
I am not sure if this will help me in any way, but 25 sessions is enough time to find out. I am absolutely sure I wanna do this. Somehow it make me giggle, dunno why. Perhaps a childhood dream coming true… A true analysis. Omegods! <|8P <|XD

I’m not lying on a couch actually, I am telling the truth in a couchy armchair.

I got my stuff printed in a copy shop which is just round the block. Good to know.

Doc agrees that I was right not to go over yesterday.

We came to talk about me and boys/men. Argh.
Did I fall in love early?
Oh yes! John Lennon, then Midge Ure. _{ARRRGH! <|X)}
Did I daydreams about those guys?
Did I…? That’s how I learned English! I mean, you can’t talk German with John Lennon, can you?

At the end of the session I was talking about my first bf, which made me laugh a lot. Memories… <|8)

I: giggle
bf: Why are you laughing?
I: That’s tickling!
bf: (knows better) That’s not tickling. That’s an erogenous zone.

I finally wrote my vita today, for the Doc. So I need to print it. So it’s Sunday, and the only place where I can print is at me Mum’s. So I call her. Bro is there and is using the internet.
Says I, ok, I don’t wanna come when he’s there, will he sleep over?
No, says Mum, but he’s going to stay for a while.
Ok, says I, call me when he’s gone. No offence, but you know how it is. Doesn’t matter if its late.
Ok, says Mum. I’ll do that!

Now she just called me and told me I could come over.
Cool, I’m coming—wait. He is gone, right?
No, but the computer is available, and he’s taking a shower.
I say, Mum, I’m not coming when he’s there!
She says, but he’s friendly, and he’s in the shower. He won’t shoot you through the closed door!
But… but… I don’t wanna come when he’s there! We’d agreed on that a week ago!
But he’s in the shower! What’s the sense of this?
It’s… my wish! And… and we have agreed that you call me when he’s gone!
We haven’t agreed on any such thing!
We have! Look, this must be a misunderstanding… I said ‘call me when he’s gone’, and you said ‘yes’.
Well, you can come now.
I wanna come when he’s away!
Well, then you must find a solution.
Ok. Right. I’ll print elsewhere.

Yea, I need my own printer, I need to do my stuff earlier, and yea, Bro won’t bug me when he’s in the shower. Ok ok ok.

BUT
why the friggin heck do I talk to this woman, when she just doesn’t hear a word I say?!?

I have been doing this for about 3 weeks now. I think it’s really helping. i can’t explain how. it’s more than the obvious of being able to talk to a person with an objective perspective. It’s more like, I’m sorting stuff out on my own, by talking to a person that is paid to listen to me.

I talked the poor man’s ears off.

He was a bit puzzled and asked what I wanted… coz at the moment I am feeling good.

But when I told him of my fears he made notes. I’ll be back next Monday. We got 5 sessions to decide if we’ll continue. (Well, 4 now.)

He reminds me of another Dipl. Psych I once knew. I won’t hold it against him though. <|8)

Monday I wanted to call the “Kassenärztliche Vereinigung” to give me phone numbers of available docs, ah, shrinks.
But I had forgotten to bring my mobile to work, so no calling.
Yesterday I had my mobile and I had time, and I made the call and got 3 numbers. Then my courage faltered. I looked those 3 up though, 2 women and one man. One woman has a double name. Can’t help it, I don’t like double names. The other woman seems to have a ‘theol.” in front of her name (theology). Erm.
I did call the last number just now, and I’ll see him next Monday, unless I gotta work, which might be the case.
And I might change again, coz I am not sure if going to a man is such a good idea in my case. And perhaps I should have waited until Venus is past her shadow phase… <|8)
And ARRRH! I forgot to ask if he does any family constellation work, but he probably doesn’t, otherwise I would have found it mentioned online.

So, I am nervous and unsure, BUT I got a date.

... nervous … a date … Seems I am starting with the transference even before I have seen the guy. <|8)

finally got a regular appointment. hope it will help!

the therapist my Chefin recommended is fully booked. She called me back and I like her a lot, sigh. On the other hand she’s not really close and I would have to pay extra fare to reach her (I would have gladly…)

She has given me a number to call, people there will recommend therapists with vacancies (right word?) close to where I live. As it’s Easter I’ll call them next Tuesday.

Actually I am feeling much better at the moment. Weather’s lovely, I had a decent talk with me Mum, Bro’s behaving ok _{(and I think that’s because me Mum said things to him, which I think she did coz I told her I’ll get therapy, and why)}

So, I am fine here and now.
But I will still get therapy, coz I have felt fine before, and then I have my down phases again, and I am quite sure, unfortunately, if I don’t do what I said I’ll do things will soon again fall back into their old unhealthy patterns.

AND
Me dearies, thank you so much for thinking of me! I did think of you, too! My absence was nothing worse than me feeling guilty about not posting poems.
And yea, my unpoetic mood.

Smooch to ya, me Shnoosles!