figure myself out

I’ve always been pretty sure of who I am… and exactly how I want to be.

I still know who I am, but who I want to be is slowly changing and I don’t know why. Only time will tell if this is a good or a bad thing. 15 months ago

I”m at a path in my life right now, where everything feels untouchable. I keep reading the Robert Frost poem hoping to get something from it, but nothing comes to mind. I feel blank. This has always been my greatest fear, is that I would feel nothing. 21 months ago

then the bird flew away…. dear god, make me a bird so i can fly far. far far away. 22 months ago

I was looking at this with my boyfriend and he was surprised that I felt like I hadn’t figured myself out yet. I couldn’t think of what I haven’t figured out yet, so maybe this is accomplished, but I’ll give it a few more days to see if anything comes up that I still need to explore. 2 years ago

I’m really tired of the up and downs of life. I mean, seriously. One day I’m up, the next I’m down. Tired of it. I will now cultivate numbness. Whatever it takes to feel as little as possible is what I’m hoping to find. Starting now….

Aah…Beer. Only you understand me. 2 years ago

So recently I read this article that an old co-worker of mine had sent to me…with the words “YOU would like this http://www.eyeweekly.com/article/55882”.

Reflectively speaking…(if that is a word) I wonder does my former co-worker Melissa know me better than I know myself? Is this person whom I thought I had befriended right? Am I have a quarter life crisis?

To follow up on Melissa’s notion, my friend Lauren threw a quick “slap in my face” figuratively speaking of course…with a “you need to get know yourself…I don’t think you know yourself.”

Well apparently the “Quarterlife crisis” exists…they even have a website for it…http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/

Here is how they define it:
• Q: What is a quarterlife crisis?
• A: The quarterlife crisis, or QLC, is essentially a period of anxiety, uncertainty and inner turmoil that often accompanies the transition to adulthood.

QLC FAQs

• Q: Who coined the phrase “quarterlife crisis?”
• A: Abby Wilner, co-author of Quarterlife Crisis and Quarterlifer’s Companion, coined the phrase in 1997 after she graduated from college, moved back home, and couldn’t figure out what to do with her life.

• Q: What makes the QLC unique for twentysomethings today?
• A: Essentially, it is taking longer to become an adult today based on traditional markers such as financial independence and starting a family. The average American job hops 8 times before the age of 32, the average college graduate accrues $20,000 in education loan debt, and the average age to get married is now 27.

Now that leaves me in wonder…what happened between High School. College, and my three years of work experience that brought me to this place. When I try to think of my favorite movie I blank out. I don’t know what MY favorite movies is…but I can tell you what I think it is based on what my friends have liked.

I used to love to write, it helped me vent and release, somewhere along the way I ended that notion as well. Music has become a big part of life…it is my mood ring. As I type this I am listening to Peter Bjorn and John “Stay this Way”. The album “Little Things” itself is like my life’s soundtrack.

I need to understand myself…I don’t think I like myself. I have issues with myself and a love hate relationship. Somehow I need to figure myself out. Understand who I am and fall in love with that person, for now I am labeling myself as a caterpillar. Hopefully with some time I can learn my way and accept who I am. What I like…what my favorite movie is…and maybe just maybe let go out whatever is holding me back.

More to come once I begin writing this blog and maybe transform into a butterfly. 2 years ago

I don’t understand myself at all. This is pretty frustrating to me. I guess I could do this a lot of different ways. I don’t really have a plan and I don’t really know where to go with this but I really would like to figure out who I actually AM 3 years ago

I’ve been making headway on this one lately. The plane ride to mexico city gave me a lot of time to free write, and to draw, and a lot of useful things poured out on the page. 3 years ago

So I ended up making my trip to EWU alone, but it helped with this one in that 6 hours in the car alone is a good time to talk to yourself :D 3 years ago

after years of changing myself and sticking with fads,
i realized that i hated it.
now i am myself – a poptart eating, nature loving, druggless free spirit, i guess you could say.
it’s better that way :] 3 years ago

I confuse people
& sometimes annoy my ownself
I try to be optimistic, I try to be okay,
but at the end of the day i feel the same way.
Not that I’m an unhappy person its just sometimes my mood changes instantly and i can’t figure out why i feel the way i do. 3 years ago

why do i always act so weird in relationships?? no one will ever know, not even me… 4 years ago

here i thought i was beating co-dependency but that’s not the case. i have realized that i derive my sense of self-worth, happiness from my bf – if we have the slightest disagreement, my world comes crashing down. plus, i rely way too much on him for support. he supports me, sure, but i really need to be able to find it within myself because sometimes, i found out tonight, because maybe the lack of your integrity, your bf begins to think you’re all talk and no action. and maybe i have been. i have a new fitness goal. 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

I think I did it. Not too Shut Mo 5 years ago

The older I get the less tolerable I am of rude people and the easier it is to tune them out. 5 years ago

I don’t think I really know what exactly love is and how to know when I am in it.

Like, Right Now, I think I’m in it…but…I somehow think it will take more time to really know. 5 years ago

i think ahead too much

i’m afraid that i’m going to miss something or not make the right move

it’s like my life is a chess game

i find myself living in moments that don’t exist, worrying about things that haven’t happened and assuming things that are unfounded, what the heck am i doin!?

lol at least i can laugh at myself and i’m aware of it

now it’s time to consciously make a change… 5 years ago

I don’t believe one ever really gets over love, real love so real you could see it. Tangible love. So few know…

After all, what is love to begin with? If you know, you know. Plain and simple. Not really. If it's real...really real, can you ever stop loving them? No. No way. Not a chance. But can you move past that? I don't know. I thought so. I thought that I knew the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. As simple as I love my family, my friends, my life. But I'm not in love with them. I was in love with him. I still to this day, 3 years after I left that rut, 5 and a half year of a beautiful rut, will admit...once every year or so when we do actually speak to one another...that I have always loved him and always will. Right after the arrogant "You still love me, don't you?" comment. Arrogant men. A whole different essay and different undeniable indulgence. But can you really deny love? If you ever truly felt it at all...the complete, unrelented, unsatiable giving that you try to stop. Try to hold back. Try to be stubborn and strong and, well, you. Just you. But after so long, after 5 and a half years, who are you? Where do the boundaries end? What have I embraced as my own and what have I so eagerly shared?

Will I ever know? No. Will I ever regret? No. I will neither regret us, the unified whole, nor me for finding who I am only as half. Or was I whole to begin with?

Time. 5 years ago

i used to think, how can someone not know about them selfs until i asked my self what am i like. i really dont know. 5 years ago