meet my father

I have been searching for my father off & on for many years,since my
only blood brother passed away I have not seen him since. I would love to see him I miss him dearly,and would like to re-unite with him
His name is Robert Cyril Kane & his is appoximately between 76 to 78
years old,I was born at Fort Bragg,North Carolina & I am 56 yrs. old.

I knew that was him on Myspace! I still never asked my mom about it and never let her know I knew anything about the whole myspace thing. But one day I was on my bed and my mom was on the computer in my room. Of course she was on Myspace..cuz who don’t have myspace these days lol… Anyway, I was playing around on my keyboard when she all of a sudden turns around and says Hey, I found your dad. I just looked up at her like, for real..even though I been knowing she found him. But apparently they’ve been talking wayy more than I thought. She said they’ve been emailing back and forth and she said he had even called our home phone like 3 days before she was telling me all this and they talked for about 30 minutes! So obviously I started asking questions. Well, he lives in Ohio. He was in the Gulf War, I think it was. He was gassed by some chemical during the war and it messed with his liver or kidneys and he can’t really remember everything from his past (or so she says he says). He said he kinda remembers my mom but not very well. He never denied the fact that I could be his child. She even showed me some pictures from their emails of his other 3 kids, one of which looks a lot like me when I was a baby. Then she said they were talking about doing a DNA test just to make sure. So hopefully in the next year or so this will be able to happen. And Lord, I pray this man is my father! There are so many things I want to learn about him and maybe even have some kinda relationship.

To kill him. For raping me when I was three. To kill him again for getting away for it. To kill him.

I finally asked my mother about him today. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it was going to be. Turns out he may be dead though. My mother had last heard from his mother when I was 16 (11 years ago) and he had gone through 2 brain aneurysms. I wonder if those are hereditary. I am going to call his family though and find everything out. Sometime this month I guess.

The first time I saw his profile I was kinda like Wow..I think that’s my dad. I was kinda..idk..shocked maybe. I don’t really know how to explain it. Well yesterday I decided I would get back on and send him an email, cuz I’ve been thinking about ever since. So I sent him a message on Myspace and I had absolutely no idea what to say to him..I mean I didn’t wanna be like..Hi my name is Tosha. Well, you’re my dad..how’s it going? lol.. So basically I told him that I’ve been looking for the man who supposedly is my father and that his name matches. I told him I really think he may be my father and asked if he would please reply back either way. I told him I just wanted to solve a mystery in my life. I told him a few things about me like I’m in college, I’m confident, smart, interested in lots of things..you know, the good things that would make a person proud. I said I’m not trying to intrude or interrupt his life..I’m not looking for a relationship if that’s not what he wants. I’m just wanting to know if that’s him or not. I mean, I’ve been wondering about him my whole life, I wasn’t even sure if he was still alive, you never know these days. I don’t even know my ethnicity..he kinda looks middle eastern though. Anyway, I asked him to please reply back, if he is that’s great, if he isn’t..well I apologized for my embarrassing whole life story and pretty much asked him to ignore it! lol..
That man is my dad..I can feel it. And plus on his page he says he used to live in Germany..
My mom met my dad and I was conceived in Germany.
He likes the same music as my mom.
There was a comment from my mom and he added her as a friend.
And I looked through his pictures and there were a couple that I think kinda looked like me, especially when I was younger. I remember seeing this picture of me making this certain face when I was little and when I first saw his picture that was exactly what popped in my head first.
Idk..I mean how many men with this name, around my mom’s age, who used to live in Germany, and kinda look like me could there be? Or maybe I just really want this to be him and my mind is making me see what I wanna see and this is all just some kind of huge, gigantic coincident..

Hopefully he’ll get back online soon and I’ll be receiving an answer..I’m so anxious!!

So I was at work one day and this girl that comes in and talks to us all the time was there doing just that. Somehow we got on the subject of my ethnicity, which led to the I don’t know my daddy subject which then led to the Have you ever tried finding him subject. I told her I’ve tried looking for him on the internet but it’s so difficult. Then she asked..Have you tried Myspace? It was like a light bulb went off in my head..No I’ve never even thought of that and it’s so simple..who doesn’t have a Myspace these days? She told me a story about when she used to date this guy and they lost touch for like 5 years and he found her on Myspace a few months ago. So I told her I would give it a try. So I went home and searched for Robert Neville. There were hundreds of people with the same name..but the majority of them were people playing around like they were Will Smith in I am Legend..his name was Robert Neville too. So finally I looked at pictures of people who looked like they were real and not playing around. I found one who was around 40, my mom is 39 so I estimated. I read his information and looked around on his page and I got to his comments. There was a comment from my mom! It was one of those cute picture comments, it was a monkey and it said how are you..or something like that. Then underneath that she had said Hey, remember me? I was freaking out! That was a couple weeks ago and it said his last login was June or July 27..so obviously he doesn’t get on very often. I haven’t said anything to my mom about it, and I’m kinda aggravated why she never said anything to me about it. Idk..we’ll see where this all goes.

I only have photo’s of him… wonder what he looks like now. He visited me last when I was 2 years, Im 21 now. He lives in a neighboring country now and has a family.. he has 2 boys. im the only daughter he has.. I just wonder does he ever think of me. I also wonder what the reason could be that he does not want to meet me… does he think I want money or something, is he afraid I hate him… I have forgiven him so many years ago… all I want is to know him. Im nothing like my moether, I dont even look like her or anyone else in my family. Everything about me is like my dad—or so my mom says. I just wonder does he know my birthday or does he think of me and wonder what im doing with my life….I dont know why I miss someone that has never ever even cared about me…. but i do…

Yesterday I started my search. I didn’t come up with much. I know that I was born somewhere in Oklahoma and lived in Arkansas when I was little so I did White Pages searches for Billy Mitchell (I think that is his name) in both Oklahoma and Arkansas. I got a list of 23 names and I am making my way through them calling them all. I have so far crossed of 15 of these names. Maybe one of them is him though and he just doesn’t want to deal with this. I start each conversation by saying “This may sound like an unusual question, but did you know someone by the name of Marilyn MacKrell back in 1980?”. No yes’s yet, not even any maybes. I guess I will just have to grow some courage and ask my Mother about it. It seems difficult for her to tell me about her past though. That’s ok. This is something that she owes me. I don’t even know what I am going to ask him when I find him though. I kind of fear that he is going to be someone that I dislike. He will probably dislike me as well, because I dislike everyone. Maybe I get that from him.

Held back on meeting him for years, and dreaded the moment all the time so have procrastinated for ages. Turns out he’s just a nice guy, a little eccentric, but that’s it, nothing to do with the shadow that’s lurked in my head for so long. Curious so see the origin of half your genes and notice tendencies you have in common, not to mention appearance (a rough indicator of what you might look like when your older, and what health problems might crop up).

Would really recommend doing this before it’s too late (my dad’s 70), if anything just for curiosity. I think it helps to have a sense of distance from whatever happened in the past, and don’t have too many expectations because you can’t hope to make up for the years but you might develop some sort of relationship, or not as the case may be.

he never had seen me but, he did today :P
i talk directly to hte point and in two sentences i told him he was my dad :)