feel complete

I’m going to be working on this as well. I went to a wedding today and cried at the pain of being single. I am starting to lose both hope and patience in finding a partner and eventually marrying and having children. I suppose I need to find a way to feel complete without being at this stage, and that is going to take some work. I am going to need to learn to feel loved, as one of the writers here said. While I feel loved by my friends when I am with them, whenever we part, I feel quite alone. Help me Lord to find my passion and compassion, so that this pain can be eased.
Any of you who want to write to me, please do. We’re all in this thing together.

So I was half-sitting, half-lying on the grass in a NYC park waiting for the free movie to start… I was sitting on my sofa throw, reading “101 Lies Men Tell Women” (good read, not of the men-bashing variety), and watching people. And I saw come couples eating, drinking wine, talking; groups of friends chatting, laughing, and some people who were there by themselves. I mean I thought that they were by themselves. And I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that I was by myself, just enjoying my afternoon… But then, little by little, these people would start talking on their cell phones, get up and start waving their arms wildly and then I would see a guy or a girl come and sit down next to them. Yikes… I was there for close to 5 hours and by the time the movie started, I could only spot one(!) guy who was sitting alone. I mean really, give me a break! Everyone is with somebody!!! And while in the beginning I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that I was alone there, I started feeling like a weirdo by the time I left. Aren’t there any single people out there who go out to do things by themselves?

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt complete, but it’s one of my greatest wishes. Do people who feel complete not have time to stop and realize it? Maybe.. I am a teacher and I love what I do. I have an apartment that I like – painted and decorated it myself. I am exercising and eating right for the first time, uh, ever…. And I am finishing up my degree. I am content with my life, but I don’t feel complete. Maybe I really want to be with another person and without someone it’s hard to feel complete? Walked by a pet store about two weeks ago and there were these two kittens playing with each other – jumping and scratching, etc… The thing is there were these poles in the window they could climb on and baskets where they could just sit and enjoy – something cats like to do and they chose to play with each other. So, I was thinking that even a kitten needs somebody alive. I don’t know if that’s what makes us feel complete. And I am not talking about friendship either. I have people I can go to the movies with or to the beach, or have lunch, etc… But I can also do these things alone and not mind. It’s when I come home that I feel the desire to cook and take care of somebody – maybe it’s my upbringing? And I realize that there isn’t anybody to take care of. Maybe when we feel useful, we feel complete? Or is it just me?

I started individual counseling on campus because hey! it’s figured into the bill already so why not??!!! And damn I’m a mess! Same reaction as the marriage counselor cept she had the “oh boy lab rat” look…which was kinda scary….Oh well sigh* I knew there were issues but it’s different when they are actually spoken out loud….Puts a face on em and damn if they weren’t some ugly bitches!

It will never happen on this earth because I am not perfect… and neither are the circumstances around. Only in heaven one day will I be complete.

I have always felt as though there was a consuming hole in my heart. I have tried filling it with friends, boyfriends, hobbies, food, anything…but I keep coming back to the one thing that has made me feel complete, faith.

i don’t know why, but for some reason I just don’t feel complete. i don’t know what it would even take. is it another person? am i living in the wrong place, at the wrong job? is there a strong sense of regret? maybe i’ve been single too long!

i would imagine that feeling incomplete is a result of insecurities. ‘that i need more’, more what? i do feel like my default state is always looking for something.

that is what all of the spiritual texts say, quit looking. everything we need is right inside. i suppose we just have to retrain ourselves? culture and society have done an excellent job training me to believe that i need lots more.

or maybe it is simpler than that. maybe it is just feeling loved.

This seems to be alot harder than I would have imagined. It seems as though I rely on other people to make me feel complete instead of me just feeling content. I am however working on this Day by Day I just wish it were eaiser.