rediscover the child i never was and become the woman i am meant to be

I feel as if I a have grown alot in the last few months especially, and I rediscovered a girl who has an unbelieveable inner strength, who although afraid stood strong in the face of her fears and did what she believed was the best thing for her…. Not anybody else! I now feel I can take more control of my life and move forward with a strong conviction that no matter what everything will work out for the best. Don’t get me wrong there were very hard times during this journey and at times I thought my world had been turned upside down, but I would never have discovered the inner strength I possess if it were not for the challenges and deep fears that I had to face. Thank God for the belief I have always carried with me that things always happen for a reason and that things will always turn out for the best no matter what!

i watch you observing the game, so desperately wanting to be part of it, but so scared of not being accepted….so aware that you are somehow….differnt, and that’s such a big swear word! I want to pull you out of the corner, tell you to be quiet, no need for lies to protect yourself….be still and realise how special you are!

this is difficult to start – she was such a shy little thing, skinny and full of freckles, clumsy and a bit weird. she loved dressing up – and her mom actually allowed her to go out into public the way she liked – pink pinafore without a shirt underneath and black stockings! she loved old people, talking to them about their lives, visiting with them, but with her peers she was so awkward! Always felt she had to act a little bit differently than she would have liked to, just to fit in. her siblings didn’t get along with her either, and she might not have been that easy – always wanting to dictate the games, always needing to fight till she won! Weird little girl – have to stop feeling sorry for her and start adoring her for being so akward…..

I was really lucky growing up, i had and have wonderful loving parents. But my mum had quite a strong personality and society can be misleading and at some stage i learnt that expressions of my truest self weren’t “the correct” way of being. My true intentions were being doubted , untrusted so I started to doubt them too, anything that came from my true way of being . I started to let others views guide the way i acted , so i didn’t get it wrong, didn’t make people unhappy. I felt very responsible for other peoples happiness. I lost sight of myself for a long time. Of course there were times where i was in touch with it. I have had a lot of happy moments too and everything positive about me have stemmed from my mum and dad too.
Now that i have started to feel more in tune with my self i have been able to see all this.There is no bitterness at all, i have and feel love for my family but i am grateful that i am finally here and becoming the child and woman that i want to be.
Our view of children with their imagination and innocence is how i want to be the rest of my life.I know anything is possible. I want to constantly learn , i never want to feel as though i have all the answers. I recognise that there is so much that we don’t know, and the more you know the more you know you don’t know. What i do want to know is my sense of self, who is Narelle? thats all i need. Honour my true way of being and honour others true ways of being.

I really enjoyed it (although I had to drop back into the backs as I am not very fit anymore) and surprisingly enough I am not as sore as I thought I would be. I forgot how much fun it was to play.

feeling really good about me. I love who I am, I wonder if I can bottle this feeling and keep it somewhere for the times when I momentarily misplace this feeling!

at the library today whilst helping my daughter to find a book, I got really excited when I found it so I borrowed it to re read it

from childhood, like Charlottes Web, The Secret Garden and Anne of Green Gables

in an attempt to recapture part of who I was as a child I am returning to something that used to give me great pleasure, writing to penpals. I joined postcrossing and hope that I may find a new penpal amongst those I send postcards to.

I joined my daughter and her friends at the skating party (wore my crash hat to my daughters embarassment!) I really enjoyed this and had fun.