raise my daughter to believe in herself

...and she’s starting to throw tantrums. It’s hard to remember that I want to cultivate independence in someone who’s so experimental with it already.

I had a breakthrough yesterday. I was playing her guitar and she yanked it from my hands and threw it on the ground. Wanted to show me without a doubt that I had crossed a line by playing with her toys. I spanked her and told her she was not allowed to treat people or her belongings that way. Then I asked her to set the guitar down nicely and say no thank you. She cried. She screamed and cried, throwing herself on the floor. I picked her up and spoke softly to her. I asked her why she was upset. She couldn’t tell me because she was so upset. I asked her if she was upset she’d thrown her guitar. No. I asked her if she was upset I’d asked her to set it down nicely. No. I asked her if she was upset she’d gotten in trouble. Yes. I explained to her that Mama still loves her even when she’s in trouble. She was quite calm at this point, so I continued. I demonstrated with her guitar in pantomime. Do we throw our guitars? No. Do we smash our guitars into the floor? No. Do we set our guitars down gently? Yes. Can you show me how? And she did. She even patted it to tell it she was sorry. As far as the sharing part goes, we’re still working on it.

i love my daughter so increadibly much… her father past away last june… it was THE hardest thing i ever had to talk to her about… my boyfriend was there to help me get through it, and i was there for her… now that my boyfriend and i are no longer all i have is her… in a way i feel lost.. but all i want is to spend time with her… and she has been my huging post all day… i cant believe how supportive my little 6 year old is.. and i feel so bad to cry in front of her and show her how vurnerable i am right now.. but in a way i think it will help her in the long run.. maybe me showing her that its ok to cry, then eventually getting past the pain will help her in future relationships… at least thats what im hoping for… she truly is my life

One of my daughters is oh-so-much like me. She worries far too much about receiving approval from the adults in her life and lives in terror of making a mistake or mis-step however small. For myself, I fell into the trap of thinking that to protect her I had to make sure that her teacher liked her and appreciated her and would ensure that she lived up to her academic potential.

Pshaw! (I’ve always wanted to say that…)

Au contraire! I need to teach my daughter to believe in herself over the adults around her. The fact is, many things that don’t make sense to my daughter, are indeed nonsensical. Many rules are arbitrary—for the convenience of the adults. She needs to follow those rules, but I want her to continue to do it under protest: never forgetting that she is right when she thinks that the rules don’t make sense or when she thinks the teacher is not being fair. I want her to learn on the one hand that life isn’t fair and that she can’t always get her way, but on the other hand neither of those facts invalidate the truth of her convictions. I want her to learn how to keep her flame burning even under water. She is a very smart, independent kid, and I know she can do this and be a lot better off that I ever was.

I can’t believe it has been three years. I don’t recall life before she arrived and frankly don’t care. She’s learning to read now. Both my wife and I read to her at least twice a day which is an accomplishment since neither of us are readers. It is incredibly rewarding to hear her sitting alone in her room at times reading her books to herself.

To those of you without kids, of course she isn’t reading but reciting the stories she has been read a hundred times. The point is she is discovering wonders in her books that we have otherwise been unable to reveal to her in real life. Fascinating stuff.

She has taken to watching for me in the evenings when I arrive home from work. I cannot recall any greater joy in my life than watching her face light up as she peers through the curtains when my cars pulls in the drive.

Speaking of reading. I’m currently reading “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Dr. Meg Meeker. I highly recommend it to fathers of daughters everywhere.

Emma got really angry this morning, screaming and shouting… she said she was “sick and tired of everything revolving around Sam!”

She was upset, partly, because I have a Goal about HIM and not HER! I said, “I do have a goal about you, it is simply in a different place in a different column!”

So, here it is, rising to the top (albeit on the right hand column) and if I need to, I will create a separate Emma goal. I may just do that anyway, have one for each child.

I bumped into Katherine’s new choir teacher on Saturday night. She hugged me, saying she wanted to share how much she appreciates Katherine, not just because she has an incredible voice, but because she is a marvelous human being.

She also said that her friend who is the chair of the Musical Theatre department at UCI is coming to visit – and the highlight she is planning is to have her hear Katherine sing. She said, “There are theatre actresses who are 25 years old who would die for that voice!”

My baby…..who wants to be a physician.

The way to do this is starting to come together for me. The problem is that my daughters need to learn to believe in themselves by themselves. There’s not a whole lot I can do directly to convince them to believe in themselves. However, by creating an environment of safety – one that encourages them to take risks knowing that their mom and I will be there to catch them if they fall – they will begin to take more risks and learn what they can accomplish when they push their own limits. I think this may be the only way they can truly learn to believe in themselves.

Agree? Disagree? ;-)

I think Katherine and I are having our first text message argument. She wants to be in the Health Careers Academy next year – she thinks this is the way to help her get into medical school.

I would much rather she continue on a more traditional academic path, including her GATE classes and fine arts classes. If she goes the Health Careers Academy route, she has to opt out of her fine arts classes. Both Drama and Choir will evaporate.

I know a part of my preference is because of the drought of experiencing the fine arts for so many years. I sang in choir throughout school – only taking a grief break in the 8th grade. Other than that, I sang and sang and sang.

That is until I went away to college.

And then, I didn’t sing “officially” until I took a voice class more than twenty years later.

I don’t want her to lose out on “singing officially” which is, I don’t care what you say, different than “just singing karaoke” or “singing with the radio” or any other kind of “un-official” singing.

I didn’t know how important it was until it wasn’t anymore.

Ugh.

We were going to talk to her counselor on Friday but she wasn’t in school that day and now the deadline is looming.

I am going to call today – see what I can determine via telephone. I don’t want to stand in the way of what Katherine wants, but I do want to stand alongside her for what is the long-term best.

because I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter, and I want her to believe in herself. I have very low self-esteem and I’m worried that I will pass it on to my daughter. My mom always beat herself up saying she was never skinny enough, pretty enough, etc. She always said that my sisters and I were so beautiful though. Is this a learned behavior?? If so, I don’t want my daughter to learn it from me…

Yesterday, Katherine shared that she had been called back for the part of “Serena” in “Fame”, the Spring Musical at EBHS. I was in a local production of “Fame” so I know the play intimately.

The main reason I didn’t think of Katherine as Serena is pretty darn critical.

Serena shares a kiss, is the romantic ingénue who actually has her dreams come true, unlike the top lead who dies from drug use and (in the lyrics from the song, “Fame”) doesn’t “live forever” at all.

So I thought, “That was kind of Justin” (my friend from local theatre, Director of this version of “Fame” who also directed the “Fame” I was in… and is also Katherine’s French teacher) “to give Katherine such a great opportunity, and she is only a freshman so I don’t need to worry about her being cast…”

She came home this afternoon and when she came through the door there was no bursting “Mom, Mom, I got it!” so I thought… “Ok, it’s safe. I don’t have to actually WATCH Katherine kissing” (especially since this will be her first kiss.)

So, she came in to check on me… I was actually using her room as my resting place post-oral-surgery.

“So, what part did you get?” I was all prepared to talk about how great the chorus is in “Fame”… because chorus IS great in “Fame” and I knew that would be the fate of her friend, Emma Z, since she didn’t get a specific call back.

Katherine smiled real big, “I got Serena.”

I leaped out of the bed and hugged her tight. “Yay! I am so proud of you! You get one of the best songs in the whole show!” Which is true, Serena has an AWESOME song. Katherine is an incredible singer, so I am not surprised. I just thought she could go for Mabel, who also has a great song… but is a smaller part and more comedic. Katherine, for all her seriousness is a fine comedic actress, too.

It took me a minute and sliding back underneath the blankets to say, “You know what this means, don’t you?”

“What?” said my precious child.

“You are going to be kissed on stage.”

She shook her head, “Uh-uh!” and I said, “Yes, unless Justin cuts it, you are getting kissed. So who is the guy? Do you like him?”

“His name is James, and yes I like him, but not like that.”…. and the color on her cheeks raised substantially, so I changed the subject to singing.

She and her friend, Rachel, are the only freshmen in main roles. Katherine’s understudy is a senior. My only hope is that people don’t think Justin and Zach (the assistant Director, one of my cast mates in the original “Fame”) chose Katherine because she is my child and because of my position in theatre. Katherine was in theatre before I was, she is a ten year veteran of the stage. I have just been, until now – more recently visible.

Hooray for Katherine! Now, Serena… plus she has three more weeks of “High School Musical” at Spotlight Theatre… where she has been getting her own unique whoops and hollers as Kelsi when she tells of Sharpay, towards the end. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you need to have a young ‘un in your life who watches Disney Channel, this movie is on incessantly and has started an entire craze.