Jesse and I have just hit our 6 month mark. We still haven’t said the “L” word to each other. I’m still pretty sure that I’m in love with him, but I’m not going to rush into it. I would prefer it to be a surprise for the both of us. You know, just blurt it out at the right moment, and not even realize I was saying it until it was said. He has been absolutely amazing this entire time. He’s my best friend, we have yet to get into an argument (if we’re upset with each other we discuss it, and no one gets mad). We really function well. When I spend the entire weekend with him, and I go back home (we live like 10 minutes away from each other) I literally miss him. Even if I know I’ll see him the next day. We just have this incredibly healthy relationship, and sometimes I really can’t believe how lucky I am.
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I’m pretty sure I’m in love. And by pretty sure, I mean I am in love with Jesse. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 months, and I’ve never know anything like this.
But it sometimes scares me when I realize exactly what this means.
1. I was born in Deland Memorial Hospital
2. I’ve never been in love, although I’ve come close a few times.
3. I don’t want to get married until I’m in my late 20s
4. Most of the time I’m pretty sure I’m afraid of commitment, but sometimes I think I’m afraid of the other person being afraid of commitment.
5. Jesse’s my first boyfriend in 3 years.
6. I both love and hate reading my old journals.
7. I’m editing an indie movie.
8. I once bubbled a fountain in the middle of the night. 2 days later it was the front page story on the newspaper.
9. I’ve never flown on an airplane.
10. I’ve never seen snow.
11. I prefer small intimate shows with unknown bands, rather big shows with some of my favorite bands.
12. I bought new work shoes from the kids shoe department at Walmart. They’re size 2.
13. My first job was at Cold Stone, and sometimes I wish I could go back to those days.
14. I can make hummus from scratch.
15. I would take a sloppy joe over a steak any day.
16. My favorite restaurant is in Altamonte. It’s a Greek, little hole in the wall place.
17. When I first heard This Providence, I wasn’t impressed. But now I can’t stop listening to it.
18. I dream of sending secrets to Post Secret, and having it posted. But I have no idea what to send.
19. My Grandmother and Uncle both have lung cancer and are dying. I think my parents think I don’t care, but the truth is I secretly think if I avoid it, it won’t be true.
20. I’ve never been a smoker, but I have a lot of lung problems. I’m terrified that I’m going to follow in their footsteps.
21. My nephew is the most important person in the world to me.
22. My mom had a 5 day engagement, and I’m certain she probably isn’t happy. But I’m trying to believe her when she says she is.
23. I paint and I draw. I’m self taught, and know I’m not any good at it. But it’s the most relaxing thing I can think to do.
24. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend in high school, because I wanted to get it over with.
25. I have a horrible diet, and the 18 year old in me is grossed out at the thought of Saturated fat in my veins. But the 20 year old in me couldn’t care less.
26. I bought a Brownie Points t-shirt in high school, because I knew Jacob hated them. A year later I heard them play with Unsung Zeros and realized just how bad they really were.
27. Part of my is afraid that I’ll never finish school.
28. Sometimes I love my job, other times I hate it. But if I was offered a full-time, permanent position at a bank I would take it without second thoughts.
29. I was fired from a serving job, because the manager forgot that me and a guy switched shifts, and the guy didn’t show up. When I went to pick up my last paycheck I was offered my job back, and it felt amazing to say that I already found a better job.
30. My first manager got promoted to DM of another District. I miss him more than I miss a lot of my friends. Some of my deepest talks were with him, and he was 20+ years older than me. I secretly considered him one of my best friends, but could never tell him that.
31. Me and some friends once had a brilliant idea to take a little Saturn off-roading to a bonfire party. We had more fun trying to get the car unstuck than at the bonfire.
32. I prefer camping in the winter time.
33. I tell people I can’t ride rollercoasters because I get motion sick. Although I do get motion sick, I sometimes wonder if I use it as an excuse.
34. I’ve had asthma for 5 months.
35. When I was two weeks old I had pneumonia.
36. I have a lawn gnome on my desk, that I stole from Mark’s neighborhood.
37. I hate doing laundry and taking showers. But I love how I feel after both.
38. I never fold my clothes, and I rarely hang them up. I usually just leave them in the clothes basket, until I decided to wear them. I just throw it in the dryer for a few minutes to dewrinkle it.
39. I hate paying more than $15 for shoes.
40. I get half off on my bowling shoe rentals, because I wear size two. And have gotten free games from the workers betting me that I couldn’t fit my foot into the shoes.
41. I’ve only taken one roadtrip out of the state without my family riding with.
42. I teach a 73 year old lady how to use her computer in exchange for art lessons. I recently found out that her favorite band is Coldplay.
43. When I date guys I can usually only stand to see them once a week.
44. I hate using pencils, but can’t use pens for drawing.
45. My favorite desert is Tiramisu, but I’m really picky about it.
46. I’d rather go to a museum than a theme park. But I like Sea World, because it feels like both.
47. I’m not so secretly jealous of guys, because they can pee while standing up.
48. I’ve always wanted to live on a grassy hill. I would love to take a giant tarp, put soapy water on it, and have some awesome slip n slide down hill action.
49. I used to write poems and songs all the time when I was in middle school. I started writing poems again, but I’m extremely critical. I don’t think I could show anybody I actually know them.
50. One of the most profound things I’ve ever heard was from a girl I never met or talked to. I’ve written it down everywhere, although I don’t think it could mean as much to someone else as it does to me.
51. My friend’s date fell asleep at our prom. It was that boring.
52. I am 15 pounds heavier now, than when I graduated from high school.
53. I say my favorite color is red, only because I don’t know the name of my real favorite color.
54. I watch Disney Channel while I’m on the computer, because I don’t have to pay attention to know what’s going on.
55. I passed up the chance to hang out with The Format, Limbeck, The Honary Title, and Steel Train, because I had to get the last Harry Potter book at midnight.
56. I want an Ocean Kayak more than I want a new computer.
57. I would rather play Rock Band with a few friends than go bowling or something.
58. I once made up a term and gave my boyfriend at the time my “opinion” of it. He basically paraphrased what I just said. So I broke up with him.
59. I’m pretty sure I masterbate more than the average guy does.
60. I hate my water with lemon.
61. I trying to learn to like the taste of beer.
62. All year I always try to figure out my Halloween costume. Each year I can never make up my mind, and end up with a half assed costume, that was put together that day.
63. I don’t like any seafood. At all.
64. I hate sleeping at night, but love how sleep feels during the day.
65. When I was 16, I fell asleep on a sidewalk in downtown Tampa, in a skirt.
66. The best nap I ever had was in the Orlando airport. Remember, I’ve never flown on an airplane.
67. I watch Dancing with the Stars.
68. My favorite show is The Office.
69. I also hate girls that end their s/n’s with 69.
70. I hate socks.
71. I also hate the generation before us, for ruining us.
72. When I was in 4th grade I tested in the top 98% in the country. But then I got lazy.
73. The last IQ test I took said I had an IQ of 131. I don’t know if I believe it.
74. I wish I still played the violin.
75. Quite often I rock out to Miley Cyrus in my bedroom.
76. I’m pretty sure I have fibroid tumors, but I don’t want to pay to find out for sure.
77. I’ve never had a hang over.
78. I love going to light houses.
79. When I was little, I collected stickers.
80. It bothers me when people don’t use capitalization or punctuation.
81. I was a spelling bee champ in elementary school.
82. I love reading people’s private, paper journals. But I would never do it without permission.
83. I’ve always been curious about what it’s like to be on acid, but am too afraid to try it out.
84. I love dancing to cheesy songs at weddings, like the YMCA and Cha Cha Slide.
85. I don’t think a person could ever have enough batteries.
86. I have a tattoo, but I’m afraid of needles.
87. I hate it when people write on my wall on Facebook, and then sign their names. What’s the point of that?
88. My favorite food is Skordalia.. And then Cheese friends.
89. I have to stepsisters and a niece I’ve never met.
90. When my DM comes to visit at the store, I sell a bunch of shit that could put an average sales person to shame just to shut him up.
91. I don’t think I’ve ever lived up to my full potential.
92. I seriously considered going to school to become a Sign Language interpreter.
93. I’d rather eat breakfast food for dinner.
94. I love sleeping on the beach no matter what time it is.
95. Everytime I take an aspirin I risk going to the hospital, but it doesn’t stop me from doing it.
96. I was friends with a boy who died from playing dodgeball.
97. I read Cosmo.
98. I actually have 4 favorite books, because they’re so different I can’t choose between them.
99. I used to read a dictionary for fun.
100. My computer monitor is cover with band stickers from a few shows I went to last year.
When many of you sent such wonderful gifts for Hudson I should have written down who gave him what, but I didn’t. Since I didn’t write it down I don’t know who to tell that the blanket they bought for Hudson has become the blanket that he can not be without. I mean he really LOVES this blanket. Finding a way to get it away from him long enough to put it through the wash is difficult. One day I took him to his Grandma’s house and forgot to bring the blanket and it was rough for him. They had such a sweet reunion when I picked him up.
So if you remember sending the blue camouflage blanket for Hudson, thanks. He loves it, and I love that he loves it. Hope we never lose it cuz that would be disastrous.
KonaFab is counting his blessings is runnig sessions on the QXCI
Last nite was a weird one. I was driving around in a Honda Accord 5 sp and was trying to get on the freeway. There were a bunch of people in front of me and at first, I thought they were waiting to get on the freeway too. They were not and so I had to go around them and then start up the ramp to get on the freeway. Only as I was getting up the ramp, I found myself running up the ramp on my hands. When I got to the top, it was a weird pyramid like structure that led to a flat, gravel covered roadway. Also, there was a new woman in my life and I did not know who she was except she felt like my gf. I liked the Honda tho.
I just don’t think I can do this again. It just feels all too familiar. Sure, he opens up more than Dan did. But it just feels the same. If things don’t change soon, I’m probably going to block him from that aspect of my life. Just talk to him as little as I can as far as work goes. I guess we’ll see.
Matt (10:22:17 PM): and it was a year ago. its time to heal and realize that he cant solve the past and shouldnt mess up anything now because of some mistake he made
I hate this. It’s always the hardest at night, because this is when we usually called each other. My phone started to ring, and he was the first person to come to mind. It wasn’t him. And I was halfway relieved. Because by this point I’m so angry with him, I know that if we do talk, there will be a huge argument.
I wish I could have more talks like this.
tom (2:38:31 AM): So how is school and life in general treating you?
me (2:39:00 AM): Pretty well. I have no current complaints
me (2:39:01 AM): You?
tom (2:40:08 AM): That’s good..eh sick of school and girl problems but what’s new
me (2:40:28 AM): What kind of girl problems?
tom (2:42:02 AM): I was sorta seeing this girl in pit for the past year & over xmas break she was being shady & she started dating some getto skater kid on mew years day ending
tom (2:42:12 AM): It
tom (2:42:58 AM): Idk I’m just sick of thing never working out for me & when they don’t the girl always has something else lined up and I’m always left alone
me (2:43:38 AM): Oh man. What’s the phrase? You take the love you believe you deserve. She must not have had a high opinion of herself to downgrade
tom (2:45:24 AM): No I don’t think she did have a good opinion of herself other than she knew she was really prety
tom (2:45:43 AM): Pretty*...sorry hard to type fast on here
me (2:46:20 AM): It’s usually the pretty ones with low self-esteems…
tom (2:47:13 AM): I have low self esteem too anymore
me (2:47:42 AM): Do or don’t?
tom (2:48:12 AM): It was never really that bad but after four years of riddle and the shit that happens with girls that’s what I get
tom (2:49:09 AM): Do or don’t what?
me (2:49:31 AM): You said “I have low self esteem too anymore”
tom (2:50:17 AM): Yeah I do have low self esteem
me (2:51:22 AM): You know, I spent 19 months just being an option for a guy. I didn’t want to just wait around for him.
me (2:51:37 AM): So I dated other guys, but sabotaged every single thing
tom (2:52:23 AM): And what became of that?
me (2:53:04 AM): “The Talk”, and moving on
tom (2:53:57 AM): But like with the sabotage and all what happened with that
me (2:54:20 AM): I always found reasons not to like the other guys
tom (2:55:37 AM): Yeah that’s what girls do all the time…do you ever regret finding reasons to not like them…like do you feel like you missed out on anything?
me (2:56:58 AM): Definitely. But it’s not like I did it on purpose. I knew what was happening, but I tried to justify myself
tom (2:58:00 AM): Oh well don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone does things they regret at this age
me (3:00:11 AM): Oh yeah. If you don’t regret anything, then you obviously aren’t living to the fullest
tom (3:01:15 AM): This is true! Well I’m gonna try and get some sleep now …message me anytime though
I have to keep remembering not to let him get to me. I haven’t talked to him since Christmas, and that’s so hard. The last time we talked we were considering a relationship. But then he went back home, and I haven’t heard from him since. I could see it in his face that he was really thinking. And I knew it was either a bad thing or a good thing. But as I was leaving his car, I caught a momentary glimpse that confirmed my suspicion. The talk freaked him out, and I knew it would be at least a few days of not hearing from him. I never would have thought he would be so selfish as to not talk to me for a few weeks. I postponed my trip up to DC, because I didn’t hear from him. Now I will be going up to DC, just at a later date. And I haven’t decided if I’ll tell him I’m going. Things are different now. I don’t nearly think about him as much as I once had. And I feel a difference that I never felt relating to him. It’s anger. And I think about him in more of an ex point of view. I don’t want to be with him. But I feel like I need to talk to him one last time, about us, and about what he’s done, so that I can finally have closure. Nineteen months of uncertainty finally ending.
