I feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere right now, or maybe I’m supposed to be working on something. All I can say is that I’m feeling restless. It’s hard for me to say what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I had 2 really fun weekends since I last wrote here, and I repositioned all of the furniture in my living room, but I haven’t been working on my designs or stories, though I’ve gained new sources of inspiration for them.
Right now I’m slacking off on many of my goals here and it really demotivates me to even look at this page. There’s other things on my mind lately. Halloween, for instance. And I was thinking of maybe writing 3-panel comics and upload them to a tumblr account. New things.
I’m just going to give up on some goals for now, and focus on them again later, when I feel like it:
And these are some old goals I don’t care much for these days:
I also decided I’m finished with these goals right overhere:
I’ve done 111 things :) 2 months ago
I think it might have been a few years ago when I made a pretty stupid mistake. I told my dad I would love to cross Route66 sometime. And as we were having a beer in a bar somewhere, I made him a promise to take this route together. He even gave me a route66 decoration for on my wall. And make no mistake; I’d still love to do it, but I don’t want to do it with my father anymore.
I was at his place, when he brought it up. He had a few drinks and was slurring about how he would only be doing it for me, so I harshly told him not to go with me. He went on to bring up the cons, and preaching about dangers on the way. His arguments were manipulative. I don’t “need” him to come with me at all! All of this belittling behavior managed to anger me, so I left earlier than I meant to. Some father he is, trying to slow me down! I’m definitely not traveling with him. 3 months ago
Yesterday I was on the same route as my friend, both heading homeward. We were talking, and this friend of mine brought up an amusing youtube video that showed Justin Bieber getting shot by the police, over and over. I then brought up something that’s been on my mind for quite a while now.
“I don’t particularly like the guy, but I’ve got to admit I secretly envy him for becoming a star at such a young age. Didn’t we all want to be that successful when we were younger?”
He agreed with me.
All of this reminds me of my old self, and some of the aspirations that I used to have. Ever since I dropped out of high school, I’ve been meaning to become successful in different ways. I honestly believed that I would someday write a hit song and become famous. This idea seemed especially prone to success in my mind because I was around the age of 16. I think I partially gave up on this dream when I got “too old”. Also, social anxiety and perfectionism played big roles.
But then I visited the Muse concert earlier this week, and there was something odd about seeing Matt Bellamy on stage. For reasons unknown, it felt somewhat natural to assume that I should have been there on stage with him. So too, my other heroes beckon me to go out and be as successful as they are. It’s like they’re still waiting for me at the finish line. Even though I’ve already given up on the race. 6 months ago
The other day a friend of mine was talking about his childhood friend. She has apparently been to a band festival known as “Lowlands”. I’ve got to say, that tells a lot about her. I would love to take her with me to the Muse concert, as I’ve said many times before. Anyway, I kind of realized I’d like to visit Lowlands myself. I’m not sure whether I want to go this year, but I’m definitely going someday!
I’m kind of at a stage in my life where I want to try just about anything interesting I’ve never done before, hehe. 7 months ago
Some days ago, I switched on the TV and saw a commercial which announced the ticket sale for Muse’s 2nd Law Tour. I remember a friend of mine once told me he went to buy tickets some years ago, and the standing room was sold out within 5 minutes of the tickets being available! I decided not to even bother. But then again, it made me feel like shit to just let this chance slide. Especially since one of my life goals is to see them play live!
Then just yesterday, I brought it up with some people, and they talked me into buying the tickets. So I did! I’m happy to announce without regrets that I bought 2 tickets to Muse’s 2nd Law Tour in Amsterdam, June 4th!
Now to find someone who will go there with me. 9 months ago
Agh, this stupid book I’m reading! In this book Wayne Dyer’s philosophy is all about reaching nirvana… I guess? In a nutshell: You’re nothing but an observer with a physical body that isn’t really you, and desires are overrated. And so, this chapter about having the wrong driving force is really messing with my brain. According to him, it is wrong when you want to:
- Be right all the time.
- Be ahead of others.
- Transcend to be better than others.
- Worry about loss of possession.
- Pressure yourself to succeed.
- Get more of what you have.
- Quarrel with yourself.
- Enjoy other people’s misery.
Wait… What’s so bad about having inner conversations? I’m having them all the time! They’re not harmful, they’re helpful! When I write, I make sense of inner dialogues by solving them like puzzles. They are telling me something is wrong, and I can’t just go and ignore that! By writing about them, I find inner peace. But according to Wayne, these thoughts disturb a peace of mind. Meditation is the only answer, according to him. And I disagree.
But despite my dissent, I think he makes good points in his book. I remember a time when I had writer’s block, and I used jealousy as my driving force. It worked! The result of my projects were awesome! But really, I just wanted to stay ahead of others, maybe transcend them. I was merely pressuring myself to get more of what I had, and worried about losing my talent. In the end, all I did was “pass”. It was a hollow feeling.
“If I can’t finish school, I’ll use my talents to become successful.”
I was a dropout.
And yet, if I never compared myself to anyone, how would I look up to someone? I don’t think I would have ever moved out of my father’s house! And ever since I live here, it’s become more evident to me that I judge self worth by what I own. Which brings me to the force that currently drives me; autism. I’ve come to terms with what I am, and I’ve gotten used to it. But I still find myself trying to adapt to the world… I’m not “normal”, but I try to be! Sometimes I consider hanging out with “normal” people, and having “normal” hobbies and a “normal” job. But then I realize how much I hate that life. There’s no point in chasing a goal for the wrong reasons!
Maybe I need a new reason to live? 14 months ago
I want sex, and there’s no point denying it! 17 months ago