The other day a friend of mine was talking about his childhood friend. She has apparently been to a band festival known as “Lowlands”. I’ve got to say, that tells a lot about her. I would love to take her with me to the Muse concert, as I’ve said many times before. Anyway, I kind of realized I’d like to visit Lowlands myself. I’m not sure whether I want to go this year, but I’m definitely going someday!
I’m kind of at a stage in my life where I want to try just about anything interesting I’ve never done before, hehe. 2 weeks ago
Some days ago, I switched on the TV and saw a commercial which announced the ticket sale for Muse’s 2nd Law Tour. I remember a friend of mine once told me he went to buy tickets some years ago, and the standing room was sold out within 5 minutes of the tickets being available! I decided not to even bother. But then again, it made me feel like shit to just let this chance slide. Especially since one of my life goals is to see them play live!
Then just yesterday, I brought it up with some people, and they talked me into buying the tickets. So I did! I’m happy to announce without regrets that I bought 2 tickets to Muse’s 2nd Law Tour in Amsterdam, June 4th!
Now to find someone who will go there with me. 2 months ago
Agh, this stupid book I’m reading! In this book Wayne Dyer’s philosophy is all about reaching nirvana… I guess? In a nutshell: You’re nothing but an observer with a physical body that isn’t really you, and desires are overrated. And so, this chapter about having the wrong driving force is really messing with my brain. According to him, it is wrong when you want to:
- Be right all the time.
- Be ahead of others.
- Transcend to be better than others.
- Worry about loss of possession.
- Pressure yourself to succeed.
- Get more of what you have.
- Quarrel with yourself.
- Enjoy other people’s misery.
Wait… What’s so bad about having inner conversations? I’m having them all the time! They’re not harmful, they’re helpful! When I write, I make sense of inner dialogues by solving them like puzzles. They are telling me something is wrong, and I can’t just go and ignore that! By writing about them, I find inner peace. But according to Wayne, these thoughts disturb a peace of mind. Meditation is the only answer, according to him. And I disagree.
But despite my dissent, I think he makes good points in his book. I remember a time when I had writer’s block, and I used jealousy as my driving force. It worked! The result of my projects were awesome! But really, I just wanted to stay ahead of others, maybe transcend them. I was merely pressuring myself to get more of what I had, and worried about losing my talent. In the end, all I did was “pass”. It was a hollow feeling.
“If I can’t finish school, I’ll use my talents to become successful.”
I was a dropout.
And yet, if I never compared myself to anyone, how would I look up to someone? I don’t think I would have ever moved out of my father’s house! And ever since I live here, it’s become more evident to me that I judge self worth by what I own. Which brings me to the force that currently drives me; autism. I’ve come to terms with what I am, and I’ve gotten used to it. But I still find myself trying to adapt to the world… I’m not “normal”, but I try to be! Sometimes I consider hanging out with “normal” people, and having “normal” hobbies and a “normal” job. But then I realize how much I hate that life. There’s no point in chasing a goal for the wrong reasons!
Maybe I need a new reason to live? 7 months ago
I want sex, and there’s no point denying it! 10 months ago