figure out why I get so depressed sometimes

and say it’s not completely gone. Remembering how it was, I’d get depressed for various reasons. Sometimes, they’re even triggered by minor things like not finding shoes in my size (seriously). Other times, it stems from being/feeling unappreciated, unloved, etc.

I know that if I choose, I can get depressed and stay that way for as long as i want, regardless the reason. But I no longer want to, I’m done wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’ve realised that I’ve worn this skin of self-pity for far too long. It’s time to change and step into the light.

Well.. I’m sure I’d feel the blues every now and then. There’d be a song that would stir my innermost feelings, triggering an old memory or a forgotten past. There would still be moments when I’d wonder what could have been, but it feels easier now to just shrug off these thoughts and keep my focus on the present.

So, while I can hypothesize on a multitude of reasons on why I get depressed (and they can all be false & true at the same time) I now know it’s not half as important as deciding what I’m gonna do about it. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

it’s coz I often get what I want, but not what I need. And that leave me feeling hollow sometimes, no matter what I say or do.

I’m currently reading “The History of Love” and in it the author wrote about feeling a bit happier and sadder each day. It strikes a chord somehow, coz it sure feels like that quite a lot lately.

I know if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I will meet someone new and eventually this loneliness will be a thing of the past. But I also know that sometimes these things don’t happen at all. I know of folks who remain single their entire lives. They’re not entirely loveless, but they’re just unattached and live their lives independently, making choices ad taking responsibility for themselves. I think I need to prepare myself for that eventuality. But I’m not sure if it makes it any easier then.

Sometimes when this feeling overwhelms me, I’d force myself to shed as many tears as I can. It feels like I’m trying my darndest to desensitize myself. I just want to squeeze out every ounce of dread I have in me, be free of this loneliness that sometimes rule my every thought and deed. I just want to stop ever feeling this way, ever again. But I know that’s not entirely a good thing. These feelings, of sadness and emptiness, are a part of me too, much like all those other feelings. Disowning them would mean dismembering some parts of me, which in a way would make me even less whole.

I’m still trying to make sense of this. It puzzles me why I can’t be more rational. I wish I could step out of my body sometimes and talk myself out of it. But would it mean cultivating a second personality altogether? Gosh.. I’m way over my head on this one. Maybe I need some kind of expert help. I don’t know.. it feels very tiring sometimes, trying to make sense out of this, trying to find some comforting word to say to myself.

Yesterday, I felt like I could bite someone’s head off. Today I got teary-eyed while humming to Paranoid Android. Okay.. this is just mad. It must be those stupid hormones.. which also explains why my dieting attempts have been failing miserably. God I need more willpower.. I feel like I’m running on empty. Somehow carrying my own emotional weather lately feels as heavy as some kind of deadweight. It might be sunny outside, but it feels as bare and as barren as the end of autumn in here.. Sigh…

And I give credit to Stephen Covey’s 7 habits.. really, I did’t realize something as simple as “Be Proactive” can be so powerful. I feel more in control of myself, and I am doing alright carrying my own emotional weather.. of course it is far from ideal, but I don’t feel as depressed now. Quite the opposite really, even with my schedule going to hell and back, I’m keeping it cool.. I do the best I can and at the end of the day I tell myself I’ve done good. And now I should catch some sleep coz tomorrow is gonna be yet another brand new day!

My chest feels tight. I have trouble breathing. Every word is a struggle, making sure I don’t say the wrong things. Nothing gives me relief, it is that same square one that brings me down yet again. I wish I knew why I feel like this. I don’t like this feeling. It pulls me into a vicious cycle of self-pity, helplessness and defeat. It makes me gravitate between extremes, one moment craving for company, then wishing that everyone would just leave me alone soon after.

Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m overwhelmed. Maybe I just need some quiet time for reflection. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. I don’t know.. and not knowing is sometimes the hardest thing for me to deal with.

At times like this, I don’t call anyone. I don’t want to confide to anyone, not even my best friend. Coz I know, as soon as I start, I often get back the boomerang in my face. Almost soon after, the one I’m confiding in will share how his/her week was crappy, or how this or that person is having a hard time, etc. Perhaps it’s the old trick of getting you to count your blessings and fill your heart with gratitude. But honestly, it is not enough. Not when you feel like there’s really not much to look forward to. Yes, I am a fatalist.. in one of my most extremes, I tell myself what’s the point. Nothing is permanent anyway.

Honestly, I am not fishing for sympathy. Kind words are encouraging, but I know this is something I need to deal by myself. Everyone travels down this road. There’s always that pause every now and then and we think, shit.. what the hell is wrong with me?

I used to have these moments quite often. I would cry myself to sleep thinking.. oh woe is me. I’ve since graduated to crying while I brush my teeth. I do a lot of that in the bathroom. It gives me ample time to regroup and wash away the tears. The shower helps drown out the sobs too. Yeah.. the bathroom is my saviour these days. Crying while I drive has become a tired routine, plus it reminds me of why I used to do this back in the old days. It reminds me of him, and I don’t need that right now.

I know I will get better. The only factor is time. It doesn’t stop me from functioning, and at my current velocity level (plus the kind of deadlines I’m looking at) most folks wouldn’t suspect a thing. But every bloody thing feels like a sodding sacrifice today. I feel like some stupid martyr, like I’m being owed some kind of explanation. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s just how I feel.

Maybe tomorrow I will regain my sense of perspective. But for tonight, I need to get this off my chest. Like some cathartic therapy. I hope it has the intended effect, coz bingeing on cookies will only make me feel worse.