When I was 12 my mom took care of both my grandmother, who was dying, and my aunt, who had cancer. We had no car. She had to walk between our house and my grandmother’s in the morning and then between my grandmother’s house and my aunt’s in the afternoon and home again. This came just a few years after taking care of my invalid father, who died when I was 7. I swore I would never be a caretaker.
Now here I am, taking care of my SO again, after another serious heart operation. As I readied my house for his needs and contemplated the visiting nurse who will come I had to consider my dogs. I had to give Sweetie back to her foster family for the duration as she would hop on his chest in a skinny minute. Then there’s Dolly, my daughter’s dog, who is old and who I am also taking care of. Before that there was my mom and my uncle.
Someone has to do this. 4 weeks ago
It no longer devastates me but it does make me miss her. I wish she could have lived to see me get through that horrible period of unemployment. She would be so proud of the job I have now. One of my best friends is now in the same place I was six years ago. Her mom is 96 and failing. She has a sick dog, who belonged to her son, who killed himself two years ago. She had to have two teeth pulled. She is tired and stressed. I remember that feeling. Honey had died; Mom was dying; my finances were in terrible shape. I try to have lunch with my friend once a week, just so she can talk to me. It always ends with a phone call from her mom. The sad part is I know one day she’ll not get those annoying calls. 1 month ago
I’ve been under some stress lately. My SO’s health actually scares me. My own health is a bit iffy, which surprises me, or maybe I should say, shocks me. In spite of having skeletal issues, I’ve never had serious organic problems, but I know my heart isn’t exactly right. My SO told his cardiologist about it and he talked to me today a bit, too. Work is crazy, both good and bad. I’m the grants manager and super happy that my proposals have gotten us $275,000 this week but I’m also communications manager and have had to deal with some challenging press, several pieces of major news, and an independent fundraiser gone amuck – all while worried about my SO. I’ll probably have to travel at the end of this month and I really don’t want to. But for now, my SO is good and I have to remember that just because this is all raining down right now, it won’t always be so. I need to just suck it up, be grateful for everything I have today and work hard at making tomorrow better. 2 months ago
I spent a good 30 minutes today looking for the padlock I use at the community center. I finally gave up and went without it. I asked at the desk if anyone had turned in a lock of my description. They said no. I went back to the lockers and there it was, locked on the last locker I used! I’m lucky they didn’t cut it off.
So what did I do? Today I left my bathing suit in the shower stall I used. I’m a ditz! 4 months ago
So, I had this goal to make a quilt out of various garments I had saved for years such as my wedding dress, a caftan I made for nursing my daughter, some well-loved shirts, etc. I put everything in a laundry basket under my ironing pile. Or so I thought.
I attempted to attack the pile today only to find it gone! I can’t believe I kept all those clothes for years only to lose them now. I must have put them in bags and by mistake taken them to Goodwill with other stuff.
At first I was dismayed. These were items I have kept for years, moved up and down the East Coast, used precious closet space for … and then it hit me: they’re gone. I can’t make the quilt. I don’t have to make the quilt. Had I realized earlier how little I would miss them, I’d have let go of them years ago!
I can’t remember what I did with them and I don’t much care. 4 months ago
What the sun looks like. I have so had it with the rain. Every day for weeks and more in the forecast for every single day! My eucalyptus tree is sodden; they don’t like wet roots. My yard is a series of puddles. My grass is high and too wet to cut. When the sun does peek out it’s just steamy. I need some desert! 5 months ago
My daughter’s dog, Dolly, reminds me of Black Jack. I was petting her and she made this little sound, half snort/ half sigh that was identical to the sound BJ used to make when happy and settled. Made me cry a little. She also follows me around like BJ did. 5 months ago
My daughter told me that today as she was driving the granbeanie to my house the jellybeanie was saying “happy, happy” My daughter asked her what made her “happy, happy” and she said, “Bean Bean” (her name for me). Guess who’s happy happy now? 6 months ago
I somehow misplaced my water bill and just found it at 4:50 today. Of course it’s due TODAY. So I’ll pay it tomorrow and will pay an additional $4. I hate it when I do that! 6 months ago
Mom was a very private person. She didn’t talk about how she felt, what was past, or things like motivations; she just kept on. These things I know: Her father was abusive and mean, her mother was a cupcake, she was closest to her sister, Kate and estranged from her sister, Vera. She could be impatient and dismissive or kind and patient, especially with babies and new mothers. She had no use for most men. She was independent, a hard worker, a voracious reader, a good seamstress and ultimately a very pragmatic woman. She understood more than she talked about and knew when to keep quiet. She was often a pain, sometimes a lifesaver, and occasionally quite charming. She could do the Charleston and the Cha-Cha and I think she had some fun as a young woman. She loved San Francisco, Germany and the mountains in the West. She had great legs and was highly photogenic as a young woman. She drank her coffee with milk, not cream and loved to have a sweet with it. She ate only butter, never margarine. She smoked but quit cold when it offended her.
She was my root and my sheltering branch and I miss her. 6 months ago
So I put together a bag full of papers I don’t trust in the recycling. While doing so I thought to toss a bunch of old – 10-13 years old – checkbooks. Just for giggles I opened one from 2000 and looked at the checks I wrote, thinking how different my earnings/spending patterns were then. There was nothing frivolous. Stuff for the house: termite prevention, AC service, that kind of thing and checks to my kids for their bills. And regular bills. No trips to Europe, no ball gowns, nothing beyond some clay. When I had good money coming in I did not waste it. I need to remind myself of this. It is so easy to get down on myself for being broke. 7 months ago
1. Though my car is hosed, my SIL is working on it, spending all his free time, voluntarily.
2. Though my car is hosed, both my daughter and my SO willingly lend me their cars. Not to mention a similar offer by a friend.
3. Though my car is hosed, my boss lets me work from home so I don’t lose more money.
4. I have a wonderful foster family with whom to leave Sweetie while out of town.
5. I get to spend a whole week at the beach with every single person I love.
6. I’ve (finally) lost weight almost effortlessly.
7. I found the papers I need for my driver’s license renewal.
In short, I’m broke and my car is hosed, but I still have an awful lot to be grateful for. I need to remember this and not get so wrapped up in what’s wrong with my life when so much is right. 8 months ago
It’s a small family so there aren’t many of us but my brother and my two daughters will all be together and there’s a possibility that a niece who I have not seen for 30+ years will also be there. So I’ve been going through old family photos to show everyone during our time together. It strikes me that in so many of them we were so happy but so rushed, so focused on what was ahead, or somewhere else. I decided today that I would be happy with the moment, however brief.
So I headed over to the beanie’s house and enjoyed jellybeanie showing me the messy leaves and running to me to get kisses and the granbeanie planning her crafts studio at my house and her mom’s gratitude that I would help with home schooling. She told me that yesterday, after keeping both girls for a few hours, jellybeanie (almost 2) in the car, on the way home, said, “Bye-bye bean-bean’s house. I love it!”
I am so fortunate! 9 months ago
All my life March 5th and the days surrounding it have been about my Mom. She’d have been 103 if she’d lived. All those years driving to see her, calling her, taking her to lunch, and in my younger years, saving up dimes and quarters and shopping for a pin or box of stationary. The day means nothing now, this year just a Tuesday. But, still, I remember. 9 months ago
Seven years ago I watched my elder daughter give birth to a baby girl. Today she turned 7. I watched as she introduced her baby sister to the wonder of balloons, birthday cake and candles. We had a simple snack dinner and I helped with the dishes. I am so lucky. 10 months ago
How routine holidays may become? How we do this, or that, go here or there, eat such or another? See this relative or that friend? I was thinking earlier today how my childhood was like that: go to church, dress up, PRESENTS, walk to Granma’s, uncles drink too much, aunts get mad, it’s cold outside, inside it’s steamy and smells like sausage and cabbage, walk home in the dark, such a long way. I was thinking about this and marveling at how ordinary it seemed at the time and how it will never happen again. Ever. Suddenly it seems like it was much less ordinary.
Tonight we did all the usual things: Go to my daughter’s house for an insanely early dinner so we can go to church early so we can get home to do PRESENTS before the kids get too cranky and have to go to bed, eat German cookies, drink Kalua, and tea and coffee, and watch while the little ones enjoy their gifts and marvel at the ones they made for us. There was nothing ordinary about it and one day these holidays, too, will never happen this way again.
The granbeanie made me magnets from some of the rocks we tumbled and the jellybeanie LOVED the bunzies (old remote controls) I gave her and the Lil’ Guys her sister made her. She stayed up two hours past her bedtime happy as a clam with just those two toys.
Nothing ordinary here. How ‘bout you? Merry Whatever You Observe! 11 months ago
I was newly relocated here. My kids were 8 and 4; my nieces 7 and 5. It was our first Christmas together. So I said we’d make cookies. We’ve done it every year since, some years all 7 kids make it, some years just a few. This year we had to Skype in one niece and her two daughters as they were all down with flu-type illnesses but the cookies all got made and it was so nice to see my beanies helping and this simple tradition going on.
I suspect that way back in some small Ukrainian village my great-grandmother made cookies with my granma and before that, her great-grandmother … Somewhere in a future I will never see my great-great granddaughter will take her kids and maybe those of a sister or sister-in-law and there will be dough and icing and sprinkles and who knows? Maybe a sick sister will participate by hologram! 11 months ago
All my friends on 43T – I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with much to be thankful for. This year I am grateful for four days off, hopefully without illness or injury; another holiday with my ex-in-laws, the beanies and my SO; and the event I’ve been in charge of at work behind me. I look forward to turkey, to cooking, to pie, to laughter and to love. I wish the same for you all. 12 months ago
I went to an urban high school in NJ that was built on the site of a Revolutionary War fort. The old canon was still mounted there. It overlooked Hudson Bay. I could see Lady Liberty from many of my classrooms. I hope it survives the night. 13 months ago
Memory is so elusive. I was trying to remember the last name of someone I know and like very well. I drew a blank. I am planning a large event for work and feel like I’m drowning in details: did I invite so-and-so? Did they RSVP? – X 200. Why do I have this name and phone number on this slip of paper on my desk? It rings no bell. And yet I remember so well so many things, good and bad, significant and not. I would say that at least half my stress is related to memory. 13 months ago
Exactly five years ago my mom was spending her last night on earth in my spare room. She was 97 and took about 6 weeks to die. My daughter sat with her and sang to her. She was unresponsive by this time but I think she knew because she did not die until morning, when I entered her room. I took her hand. Her breathing had evened out. I knew the end was very near. Her hand was warm though she had been cold for days. I talked to her a little bit and assured her I would be OK on my own. Then she died. I know she heard me. I know she waited for me. I will always be grateful for that.
Though this has been a hard date to face for each of the last five years, I am at peace today knowing I did all I could for her and that she would be glad to know I am, indeed, OK. 13 months ago
Five years ago today my little Honey died, which set my mother reeling to her own death 10 days later. Coincidentally, my marriage officially ended on this date in 1990, though we had been living separately for about a year and a half.
This is the first October since Honey and Mom died that I can say I have felt contentment with my life. There is still sadness but after five years I’m no longer raw. Ad though I feel much more than five years older, I am OK with my life at present. I am not rich; but I’m not broke, either. No one in my life is actively dying. I’m looking forward to at least a partial retirement and I’m making progress (I think) toward regaining pottery. So I am content. 14 months ago
It’s the anniversary of my best friend’s death. I still miss her. She was such a good friend, always ready to listen, silly, kind, and sensitive. She died suddenly shortly after retiring and moving. She never even got to fully unpack. She fell down her basement stairs and died on impact. She was a wonderful woman. 14 months ago
what u dont want done to urself 21 months ago
= reaction = result. 21 months ago