be at peace with my existence

As noted in my last entry in this category, my peace of mind is difficult to maintain. It is not surprising to me that it slipped away as it did.

Part of the reason is I went through some rough employment related issues and another part of the reason is that I do not feel secure with my financial situation.

I stopped working out and that impacted my mood and energy levels negatively as you can imagine it would. I’ve started working out again, and that’s a step in the right direction.

I wish I could recapture the state of mind I was in when I made my last entry here 8 months ago.

“I feel free. Nothing can bother me. Nothing can frighten me. I am the calm center of a chaotic universe (well, not quite :P).”

I wish that were still the case.

I feel a certain lightness of spirit, to steal a line from Nietzsche, lately that is indescribable.

I feel free. Nothing can bother me. Nothing can frighten me. I am the calm center of a chaotic universe (well, not quite :P).

On the other hand, my optimism is hard to hold onto, like a slippery fish it flops out of my hands.

I am, at heart, a rebel, a radical. Whatever the majority embraces as good I despise as bad. When the majority laments and becomes pessimistic regarding the future, I rejoice and become an optimist.

Quite the predicament.

Let things unfold as they will, but maintain a guiding hand in my own affairs. I think it would benefit me to let go on the reins once in a while and simply let things happen around me without trying to micromanage them.

Focus more on ends rather than means, but be realistic. There is a delicate balance here between failing to see the forest for the trees and being a hopeless dreamer. I think I should set goals and be on the look out for opportunities to reach them while at the same time working towards them in a realistic manner. That would be a change from my rigid focus on developing plans to reach my goals and then following those plans while ignoring all other courses of action and opportunities that come my way by chance.

Acknowledge life for what it is, but retain a vision of what life could be. I have struggled with the reality of life conflicting with what I think life should be for a long time. I think I can finally accept that life is not pretty, that life is not perfect, that humanity may never even approach its full potential. However, that hope for the future of man, and a belief in his potential is something I want to hold onto.

I usually recognize opportunities when they come my way but I always fail to seize them. How many mistakes of this sort I have made I cannot even count. There is nobody to blame but myself.

With all this I must come to terms. Having done that I can embrace life for what it is, let go, let things happen, and seize opportunities that come to me before they are lost forever.