Figure out my marriage

I’ve pretty much confronted the fact that this isn’t for me at this point in time. I don’t feel particularly good about that, but it’s true, nonetheless. I understand my husband’s need to search and search for some kind of magic bullet that we’ve heretofore overlooked, but I can only tell him so many times and so many ways that this no longer makes me happy, and that no amount of fixing is going to change that state of affairs at this point. I am already exhausted, and yet I have a feeling that I have not yet begun to understand the meaning of exhausted. There’s a long way to go still, a long way to get to the point where he can do more than say he accepts my decision and actually accepts my decision and finds the strength to move on. I want him to. I want to help, if I can, but I’m just afraid it’ll wear me down so much.

...I’ve ever done did not turn out to be admitting to my husband that I don’t love him anymore. Just working up the courage to do it, knowing how much it hurts him and me, was the hard part. And now I’ve done it, and I think we’re both relieved, even if neither of us is happy about it.

There’s no logic to this at all. It kills me because I can’t explain my feelings to him. There’s no explanation to give. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but neither has it been bad. If the love was still there, I believe the problems we’ve had could be fixed. But it’s just not. I wish I still loved him, but I just don’t, and that’s not his fault or mine.

I have made him a promise, though, that I can fulfill. Before he gets back next week, I am going to see a counselor on my own, and when he comes home we are going to go together. He has said that in the two weeks we’ll be together before he has to leave again, he is going to be the best husband he can be. And if, at the end of that time, I still don’t want to be with him, he says he’ll know “it’s not him,” and that he’ll be able to accept my choice. I admire him so much for this and I only hope that I will be able to act as gracefully towards him as he is acting towards me.

I know that whatever happens it will be ok, and that I’ll come out of this a wiser person and move forward with my life. I just need to remember to tell myself this, and I’ll make it through the next day.

I had a long talk with my husband on the phone last night. I think it was good, and assuaged some of his anxiety. I am willing to give things a fighting chance, and we laid the groundwork for doing that when he gets back. We talked about a lot of ongoing issues in our marriage more directly and rationally than I think we have before. The main problem is, I question whether I really love him anymore, and that makes me wonder how much fight I’ve got in me to give to that fighting chance. Because if I don’t love him, then I don’t love him and I should get out and focus on loving myself for myself for a change. One thing that encorages me about our discussion is that, regardless of the ultimate outcome, he wants to get down to brass tacks when he gets back rather than avoid the issues at hand. Whether he and I stay together or not, the rest of my life is quickly approaching and I don’t want the decisions I make post grad school to be restricted by compromises and sacrifices made for a relationship I’m no longer committed to emotionally. So it’s good that he wants to be proactive.

Something I’m starting to wrap my head around is that it really is ok for me to put my own happiness first. I’ve been beating myself up a lot for having second thoughts about whether I want to be with this man for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t call our marriage a mistake, but I do think I was probably naive about the extent to which I’d be willing and able to compromise my aspirations for him. He and I are so different in terms of what we want and how we want to acheive our goals. I think I’m capable of more and consequently I want more for myself than I did a year ago. I no longer want to settle for teaching comp at some tiny community college in the rural Midwest when I could be getting a PhD from a major university in a big city and pursue some serious research. While my husband would be happy (or at least happy enough) to go back to the Midwest, nothing is going to make him want to live in NYC or Chicago. I don’t know. That’s an area where we differ. In any case, I’m taking those differences more seriously, and not allowing myself to feel (too) guilty about that as I consider what will make me most happy going forward.

I don’t know. Today I feel more optimistic about things. But I’m always afraid that what I’m really feeling is apathy, not optimism. It would certainly be easier (in the short term) to pretend everything is ok and keep marching on that way. And hey…that might turn out to be the best thing. Jeez, I wish I had a way of knowing. It’s six weeks ‘til my husband gets back. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just have to deal.

Just had a long talk with my mom about this. Her advice? Do what makes me happy. Think about whether this might be the best thing for him, too. Don’t feel guilty about enjoying my summer in my husband’s absence. Try not to worry too much about my feelings since there’s only so much I can do about it until he gets back. Be open-minded—maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. All very sound advice.

Oh, it all sucks right now. And I do feel guilty. There’s no logical reason why I shouldn’t be happy with my husband, who is a wonderful, smart, caring man. Only (also some of mom’s advice), these things don’t really operate logically, and that’s ok, so.

Still, I feel like a fuckup, a bit—I’ve been married for barely a year, after all. But I shouldn’t, probably, because, as mom noted, “what makes you so special? Why do you think you of all people should know better than the rest of us how these things work?” Good point, mom. I’m going to go have a cigarette now.