learn to trust

This is such a hard one to do.
I have just finished with my bf because of my trust issues and it has broken my heart. I wanted to trust him, but things didnt add up. I wanted to work on it but he thought it was too far gone, which I guess was right.
I have been so scared of letting someone into my heart again, and when I do it all ends badly. I’m worried that I made it go wrong because of my issues. It definitely didnt help things, but I guess I woulda suspected it at some point.
I just wana find that person that doesnt make me feel this way. He obviously wasnt the right one but its just made me more scared of letting anyone else in again.
Do people have to earn your trust? Or should you trust everyone unless proven otherwise? If you doubt trusting someone then are you just making it come true?

I dunno how to live with constant doubt. Yet, I’ve managed it for the past 20 years! I imagine it is like how the body becomes numb to constantly tense muscles, the mind becomes numb to the constant doubt rattling it around.

Yet, it is very draining. I really, truly want to trust in my friends not to drop me at the first mistake I make, or get fired for having an off moment, or in life denying me of anything I’ve ever wanted. Yet… it persists.

There was another revelation that came around the same time I noticed my complete lack of trust.

I was an unwanted child.

That’s not too uncommon I suppose (as I’ve known many unwanted births in my time). However, the problem I have now is that my mother hid this fact by constantly blaming society for her “choosing to raise her child” and things of that nature. Sadly, it was just a veneer to cover her real feelings of resentment towards a circumstance that held her back.

I feel for it hook, line, and sinker. I blindly thought she was the bravest, most wonderful human being alive until about a year ago. I started realizing how she’s consumed by feelings of entitlement to anything and everything I have. Always using the “I’m your mother” reason. Becoming so dependent on me that I could barely sustain myself physically or emotionally. When I explained it to her she broke down and cried telling me stories about how much she gave up for me. When I relented she stopped crying, I thought it was the power of love. I now think it’s great acting.

My father never really wanted to be around me except to take me away from my mother. Luckily he’s gotten over that after he “won” a few years ago when I decided to move back to California and live with him (that’s a long separate story altogether).

Being the sort with an individualistic “my way or the highway” outlook since birth hasn’t helped insofar that it caused me to make a lot of enemies in school, more so to be betrayed many times by my friends. Yet I’ve always been the type to devote myself to anyone I saw as a friend. Naturally leading to being used and whatnot. The residuals of that being a keen self-hatred, and a total lack of trust in friends, family, or life in general.

The sad part is that I am a trusting person deep down, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore. I want to do it again, but am uncertain how to even trust again. My current belief is that anything that doesn’t blow up in my face is due to careful planning, keeping away from anything volatile, and telling people only what they want to hear.

that it isn’t learning and never will be learning. I have met people who do not trust, and I have in the past wondered if their model is not more rational or intelligent than mine.

It is neither. I have innate trust and cannot help but get great extra joy out of it if it is given to or asked of me.
It doesn’t mean that everyone I meet will handle this trust as carefully as I would like. And I would not allow anyone to perpetually stomp over a perfectly beautiful trust. But ultimately, for good or bad, anyone I trust should come away with the knowledge that in their life, there was one person at the very least, who trusted them.

And now my goal has to be marked complete. It will never change.

Believe that people can be trusted and that Love again is a possibility.

O I met someone a day or so ago, and though I did not know what to expect, I trusted that all would flow and that at the very least I owed it to both of us to be myself, to be authentic, and to merge the two goals of trust and authenticity into one.

I couldn’t have had a better time. The reason that everything glowed with joy was that I knew we both trusted each other with a simple jumping in with both feet kind of trust. No holds barred!

I know we’ll have a special friendship because of it, and I am positively beaming from my heart.

it’s an absolute and not a learned lesson or parlor-trick. Actually I lie – it is a parlor trick. One has one’s faith, and though there are no visible props to keep perpetuating one’s trust, it balances and buoys one. It needs no precedent or guarantee.

are sometimes difficult for me. I am not intellectually quiet by nature, and balk at the stacking of silent hours while I wonder and think and worry over others and become tempted to poke holes in my own trust. It is as if I cannot trust myself to trust properly.
I should know how it’s done. I should walk away with the knowledge that true and real trust is expected of me as a gift, and I shall earn reciprocal trust by my own expectationless virtue.

I pledge not to let this trust falter. I will insist on trusting in return, no matter how hard the terrain is, how daunting the journey. I trust this Trust is mutual and reciprocal.

The cosmos is sending conflicting signals, but I buffered ‘em.

but being led to vulnerability does not mean that trust is easy or guaranteed infinitely. I would rather, at times, be impermeable and self-protective.