think positively

i’m getting better at this.

I’m not doing very good at this thinking positively thing… I was doing ok for awhile, but now I’m just getting down on myself everyday. I hate it. I know it’s wrong, but there it is…

I did find one positive thing today. I really thrive in a fast pace work environment. At the library things get CRAZY when classes let out and everyone’s returning their laptops and wanting laptops/pagers and I love it. I guess I handle stress a lot better than I thought I did. So that’s my positive thought for the day. I can deal with five people asking me for things and someone arguing with me that they need to renew their laptop while they can’t and feel good about myself. :)

So on Saturday (before hanging out with my Lancaster friend’s), I went through facebook and deleted all of the pictures of Adam on my profile. It seemed like a really good thing at the time. He’s obviously moving on with his life (see: all of the girls that he’s talking to and I’m sure he’s dicking around too). But this morning while working out I was really getting down on myself about it and how I was being immature. But the motives behind it weren’t immature. I wasn’t doing it to be spiteful. I was doing it for me.

It’s too soon for us to be friends. I’m still in love. I still fall in love every time I see him. It kills me to see what he’s doing with his life. Overall I think he’s making very poor decisions. But whatever… His “friendship” is just a shit ton of mixed signals that I just cannot deal with now. I know that he doesn’t think that he’s giving them, but he really is.

I just need this time to myself now. I want to become a stronger person. I’m getting there, but I still fall far to often and I’ve noticed… that it always seems to be Adam kicking me down. We have a good day and I think it means something only to have him say no it doesn’t and take off to Becky’s.

I’ve decided that I’m not staying at Geneseo for weekends anymore. I’m not going to be here when he finally decides to bring one of those girls home. Right now he just isn’t the same man that I love/d and I think that’s a good thing. Or at least I’m trying to make my mind believe that.

So my goals are to try and get a refund for my senior dues, to stay busy until Friday at 1:30pm when I’m free from this hell hole, and to just not let him toy with me anymore. Sound good? Good. :P

This wasn’t really a positive thing entry… Or maybe it was. lol

Yesterday was not a very good day for positive thinking and my gramma pointed this out to me when I was talking to her. She was like “For someone who’s trying to think positive all you’ve focused on was the negative the whole ride home.”

And I was. I was talking about all of the bad in my life because at that moment in time I felt like there was no good at all. I’d fallen hard yet again and this time I just didn’t want to get back up. I just wanted to wallow in the self pity and cry myself to death.

But after gramma said that, I tried to turn things around. I started telling her about all of the things that I’m planning on doing. I talked about my list of things to do. How I had just applied for a Disney Internship. How I’d found an animal shelter to volunteer at. How I was looking for a full time job. And how I was really glad that Brad and Sarah were such awesome friends. I even managed to turn the death of Ginger (my hamster) into something positive. I talked about the good times I had with her instead of the fact that she’s gone.

So I keep on falling, but I’m trying my hardest to always get back up.

Last night I was watching “The Pursuit of Happyness” (good movie, btw) and I was like “Damn, I will never be that much of a people person. I don’t even know how to go about being like that.”

I made a conscious effort to turn those thoughts around. And came up with this:

While I might never be as good of a people person as Will Smith’s character that doesn’t mean that I should try. Even if I become half of it, that will be a hell of a lot more than I am now.

I’m planning on volunteering this summer, getting a job in an office that requires talking with people (i.e. secretary), and potentially doing a Disney Internship (if I get accepted, application was put in yesterday!! :D ) to help me accomplish this. Maybe I should add this to my list too, now that I have a few open spots! :)

Who says I can’t do positive. ^_

Last night I had a nightmare and was completely devastated in the way that I was handling it. I knew it was a dream. I knew that Adam was safe (in the dream he had been killed by people who were trying to rape me…). But I still got so worked up about it to the point of making myself sick.

By the end I wasn’t crying because I was dwelling on the dream, but instead because I was frustrated with myself. I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes in myself recently. I’ve been trying my damn hardest to become a better person and yesterday I felt completely on the path to doing so and then this. I couldn’t believe it. I was making myself sick over a dream. I felt myself giving up.

I didn’t want to walk down that path so instead I tried to think of what I could do. While I would normally go to Adam, I can’t anymore. I couldn’t call my mom or my friend Sarah because they both had work in the morning and it was already going on midnight. So I called my gramma instead (she was just getting ready to go to bed) and I talked to her. I told her how frustrated I was that I was letting the dream get to me so much and how I felt like I was failing in my goals.

I got it all out and then there was a click that happened. I realized that I was focusing on the negatives of the day. I had done so much yesterday. I’d donated blood, worked out, talked with friends. I’d felt good all day and here I was letting this stupid dream ruin everything. So I took a deep breath and started telling my gramma about all of the GOOD things I did today, instead of focusing on the fact that I had fallen for a little while.

I’m still stumbling, but I think that I’m making progress.

I always go for the negative thoughts right away. I want to look at the positive things in life and stop doubting everything that I do!

I’ve been neglecting 43 Things for a while now. Looking at it during the last 2 weeks has just made me feel incompetent (and my job already makes me feel that way at least once a day), so I avoided all my goals on here. I need to get back to seeing it as more of a refuge, a center of control, things that I am aware of that I need to do to better myself…
In my grown up Sunday School class today, we were discussing how God never gives us more than we can handle. I know that that’s true, but it was only making me feel worse and more useless. I am so ungrateful. I mean, I’m very grateful for all the good things that have happened, but I dwell so much on the negative that it clouds everything else. The problem is, I don’t know how to change that way of thinking. Instead of trying to focus on the positive, all I can do is think how I’ll finally be happy if I can just find a new job. I’m pretty sure that’s not how thinking positively is supposed to work. Ugh.

Funny thing is thinking positive truly does work bc so many things have manifested in my life from it. Problem is how do you stay this way when things get rough. If I can learn the trick to staying positive all the time life would perfect! I feel life is supposed to flow and when it doesnt I freak out. BUT Im gonna be positive even through those times…

I am monitoring my thoughts very closely and trying to stay positive. I think it is going very well because things just keep getting increasingly better for me!

My anticipation for the future is killing me!