think positively

Well for awhile now I’ve been listening to positive affirmations podcasts and online coaching sessions such as postivethinkingradio.com and MorningCoach.com to give me some encouragement and helps to ward off negative thoughts.

So I really haven’t been doing good with this goal recently. A lot of things have been weighing on my mind making me more than a bit negative. They say that life isn’t a fairy tale and it’s true. The people we think are flawless turn out to have just as many flaws as us. Feelings get hurt. Things get said that can’t be unsaid. And yet life goes on. Relationships are rekindled after the flames have all but gone out, but how to you undo the pain that took place?

They say time. I guess I don’t have the patience for time. I want something that heals now.

There are people I have a right to be angry with and I am. But there are people in this whole situation who don’t deserve my anger. They had no idea what was going on. But I still dwell on it. I still blame them. I still feel awkward and negative when they’re mentioned and when I “see” them. I worry about the day I have to face them in public and can’t figure out how I’m supposed to act. It drives me insane.

Words that were said at times drowned out the good words and good things happening now. I try not to dwell. I see myself thinking about them and remind myself that they’re in the past now. We’re happy now. Happy than we’ve ever been (except within the honeymoon stage). Actually it’s more like we’re having a second one. Relearning things about each other. Talking more. Sharing our feelings on issues that we probably would have kept silent about before and while sometimes it leads to some heated conversations at the end of the day we still end up in each others arms.

So my question is how to stop the negative? How to focus on the good instead of the bad that came before? The bad’s in the past. It can’t be changed. It can’t be undone. Remorse had been shown and forgiveness given to those who have shown it. But there’s still a long way to go in healing the holes.

Here’s to getting my butt back into motion on this goal.

For CA Training our theme was Attitude is Everything. We were told repeatedly to be positive. And yet, throughout the ENTIRE week-long training and into the next week, two of the professional staff members were EXTREMELY negative. It drove me crazy. Then, during my first one-on-one with my mentor (one of the pro. staff who was extremely negative all week) I was told I need to have a better attitude. Seriously? Are you kidding me? It’s so frustrating!! Yes, I have problems with being positive and happy and tend to be a realist/pessimist most of the time, but can you understand how hard it is to stay positive around professional staff members who are being negative? Not to mention that it was at or above 90 all that week and we’re being lectured to in a room with no air conditioner and only one fan. I was told that some CAs find me unapproachable. That’s why I’ve had three new staff members asking me for help since training, right? Even ones from the other building. Grr. Now I’m hearing that the other pro staff member who was negative all week is asking her mentees, one of them being my Co, all these negative questions about me, like if I’m helpful or if I’m abrasive. WTF? Then they wonder, along with everyone else, why I’m always so negative all the time. How can you be positive when you’re being attacked from all sides?

i’m getting better at this.

I’m not doing very good at this thinking positively thing… I was doing ok for awhile, but now I’m just getting down on myself everyday. I hate it. I know it’s wrong, but there it is…

I did find one positive thing today. I really thrive in a fast pace work environment. At the library things get CRAZY when classes let out and everyone’s returning their laptops and wanting laptops/pagers and I love it. I guess I handle stress a lot better than I thought I did. So that’s my positive thought for the day. I can deal with five people asking me for things and someone arguing with me that they need to renew their laptop while they can’t and feel good about myself. :)

So on Saturday (before hanging out with my Lancaster friend’s), I went through facebook and deleted all of the pictures of Adam on my profile. It seemed like a really good thing at the time. He’s obviously moving on with his life (see: all of the girls that he’s talking to and I’m sure he’s dicking around too). But this morning while working out I was really getting down on myself about it and how I was being immature. But the motives behind it weren’t immature. I wasn’t doing it to be spiteful. I was doing it for me.

It’s too soon for us to be friends. I’m still in love. I still fall in love every time I see him. It kills me to see what he’s doing with his life. Overall I think he’s making very poor decisions. But whatever… His “friendship” is just a shit ton of mixed signals that I just cannot deal with now. I know that he doesn’t think that he’s giving them, but he really is.

I just need this time to myself now. I want to become a stronger person. I’m getting there, but I still fall far to often and I’ve noticed… that it always seems to be Adam kicking me down. We have a good day and I think it means something only to have him say no it doesn’t and take off to Becky’s.

I’ve decided that I’m not staying at Geneseo for weekends anymore. I’m not going to be here when he finally decides to bring one of those girls home. Right now he just isn’t the same man that I love/d and I think that’s a good thing. Or at least I’m trying to make my mind believe that.

So my goals are to try and get a refund for my senior dues, to stay busy until Friday at 1:30pm when I’m free from this hell hole, and to just not let him toy with me anymore. Sound good? Good. :P

This wasn’t really a positive thing entry… Or maybe it was. lol

Yesterday was not a very good day for positive thinking and my gramma pointed this out to me when I was talking to her. She was like “For someone who’s trying to think positive all you’ve focused on was the negative the whole ride home.”

And I was. I was talking about all of the bad in my life because at that moment in time I felt like there was no good at all. I’d fallen hard yet again and this time I just didn’t want to get back up. I just wanted to wallow in the self pity and cry myself to death.

But after gramma said that, I tried to turn things around. I started telling her about all of the things that I’m planning on doing. I talked about my list of things to do. How I had just applied for a Disney Internship. How I’d found an animal shelter to volunteer at. How I was looking for a full time job. And how I was really glad that Brad and Sarah were such awesome friends. I even managed to turn the death of Ginger (my hamster) into something positive. I talked about the good times I had with her instead of the fact that she’s gone.

So I keep on falling, but I’m trying my hardest to always get back up.

Last night I was watching “The Pursuit of Happyness” (good movie, btw) and I was like “Damn, I will never be that much of a people person. I don’t even know how to go about being like that.”

I made a conscious effort to turn those thoughts around. And came up with this:

While I might never be as good of a people person as Will Smith’s character that doesn’t mean that I should try. Even if I become half of it, that will be a hell of a lot more than I am now.

I’m planning on volunteering this summer, getting a job in an office that requires talking with people (i.e. secretary), and potentially doing a Disney Internship (if I get accepted, application was put in yesterday!! :D ) to help me accomplish this. Maybe I should add this to my list too, now that I have a few open spots! :)

Who says I can’t do positive. ^_

Last night I had a nightmare and was completely devastated in the way that I was handling it. I knew it was a dream. I knew that Adam was safe (in the dream he had been killed by people who were trying to rape me…). But I still got so worked up about it to the point of making myself sick.

By the end I wasn’t crying because I was dwelling on the dream, but instead because I was frustrated with myself. I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes in myself recently. I’ve been trying my damn hardest to become a better person and yesterday I felt completely on the path to doing so and then this. I couldn’t believe it. I was making myself sick over a dream. I felt myself giving up.

I didn’t want to walk down that path so instead I tried to think of what I could do. While I would normally go to Adam, I can’t anymore. I couldn’t call my mom or my friend Sarah because they both had work in the morning and it was already going on midnight. So I called my gramma instead (she was just getting ready to go to bed) and I talked to her. I told her how frustrated I was that I was letting the dream get to me so much and how I felt like I was failing in my goals.

I got it all out and then there was a click that happened. I realized that I was focusing on the negatives of the day. I had done so much yesterday. I’d donated blood, worked out, talked with friends. I’d felt good all day and here I was letting this stupid dream ruin everything. So I took a deep breath and started telling my gramma about all of the GOOD things I did today, instead of focusing on the fact that I had fallen for a little while.

I’m still stumbling, but I think that I’m making progress.

I always go for the negative thoughts right away. I want to look at the positive things in life and stop doubting everything that I do!