get out of a bad relationship

Well, it’s been 5 weeks now and so far no major snits (yet). It amazes me that he thinks he can say whatever pops into his head then he apologizes and I’m supposed to automatically forget it. Things don’t work that way. My feelings have totally changed toward him and nothing will ever be the same.

I have been in this relationship now for almost 3 years. 2 1/2 years were good. We met on one of the big internet dating sites. We saw each other every other weekend and decided to get married last September. I decided to relocate to his location because he had a much better job. 1 month after I moved, he turned into a real jerk. He yelled and complained continually about the things that I did. Now every six weeks, almost like clockwork, he throws one of his fits. I called off the wedding (thank God) because there’s no way I will marry him due to the way he’s treating me. Now I feel stuck because I’m six hours away from home and have no way to get my furniture out. I am making plans and waiting for the next outburst.

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 years, the last two being a clear end. He no longer wanted to make time for me and did anything he could to avoid me. The closeness we had the first few years disappeared. It was clear we had different views on life and the future. Being afraid to be alone, I stuck it out for the past few years. Just last week I realized that I have too many good things going for me and that I didn’t need his negativity anymore. The freedom I now feel is bliss.

I don’t know that I’m even 100% out of the relationship, since I just talked to the guy a week and a half ago. But we live 1,500 miles apart. We don’t see eachother, and haven’t in over a year. I still wonder if we could’ve fixed things. Probably not…I miss the good times, tho.

you have done everything you can think of to make me feel insignificant, worthless, and insecure. You belittle my choices in life, my words, my friends, my job. You treat me like shit 90 percent of the time, and you openly admit that, with no remorse. why? because you dont “feel” like treating me like a girlfriend (though you get pretty hella pissed if I hang out with another guy) , because you dont want either of us to get attached to something thats bound to end badly, and that whats the point.

so what the fuck do i do? my dumb ass self? I fucking allow it. I allow you to parade me around like a girlfriend, to use me like a girlfriend, without any of my emotional needs fulfilled. What else? I answer your fucking calls and texts. I hang out with your friends, I cook for you, I listen when you need to bitch. I let you hold me at night.

I thought, last week, that a change had come over you. The more I avoided you, your calls, and your advances, the more you wanted me, wanted to check in just to say hi, wanted to be publicly affectionate. You treated me nicely, considerately, maturely (not like the 12 year old brat you usually are).

Then, last night, you just told me everything that any sane, rational person would hear, and just walk away.

and I just fucking took it, and slept over anyway because im a dumb bitch.

I never thought i would be one of those girls that would stay in a verbally abusive situation. but after my ex, I know that I am going thru a hard time, and the insecure part of myself feels like i deserve a shitty situation like this. like this is all i can get.

and i dont.

I am so so scared of being on my own that i will let you make me feel inconsequential, second guessing my own instinct, and just proving by my actions, that maybe, i am as stupid as you say i am.

I’m still focused on moving out and keeping a positive mindset. My “team” and I are coordinating our schedules so that we can all be free at one time period. The date is not set, but it will be soon. Also, after having some doubts – I got a text out of the blue from an old flame who I’ve felt very close to in a spiritual sense (I’ve never met her in person, but we have been talking for years now). Now that we are talking again, I’m even more motivated to make the move.

Ok, so last night I came home and she gave me a huge attitude about me being out for so long (including the usual “I was so worried about you, I could not sleep, etc.). As she was complaining, I thought “YOUR the one who’s angry at ME?”. Finally, I let it all out. I asked her how she could say those words to me and try to physically offend me. All of the sudden, she began crying uncontrollably. She must have said she was sorry and that she did not mean to hurt me a million times. I held her and told her that everything was going to be ok. I’ve never seen anyone cry like that in my life. I know she really loves me, and this is going to be very difficult to do, but it has to be done.
I’ve talked to my mom about it, and she’s ready to help me out with everything I need (as always – my mom is awesome). I HAVE to tell her that I’m leaving for sure (and BEFORE the lease is up) within the next couple of days if I’m to leave between the 17th and 20th of this month as planned. The date may be moved though for logistical reasons – we’re just not 100% sure yet.

The girl who claims she loves me took my weaknesses and used them against me to cause me further psychological damage. Then she tried to become physically abusive as well, but I stopped that pretty quickly with self-defensive manouvers. That night, I took out $400 from my bank account and was ready to leave to Florida to start a new life and be close to my parents. I ended up staying because my mom happened to be in town. The funny thing is that as cruel and damaging her intentions were, they actually made me dig deeper into myself – even beyond my psyche to my very level of existance. When I did this, I realized that all this hate that I have been directing towards myself is not justified. Why? Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m GOOD – and I have always known this deep inside. That relity that finally surfaced again after so long made me feel great and empowered! I did have another unexpected bout of depression this morning, but it went away fairly quickly. I went out to dinner with my mom, and I think she’s right – I should move down to Florida even before my lease is up! Why not? I KNOW I need a huge change in my life, and I know I will not be able to trust this girl after that incident ever again – so what do I have to lose? I have to be strong though and keep in this positive mindset. I know she will do everything in her power to keep me here. But I know that the more time I spend here is just suspending my “re-birth” if you will. I have good support from family and friends as well. I think I’m really going to do it this time.

It was so discouraging to talk to you this morning-Im not sure what I was expecting but it wasnt that. I debated whether or not to call you and again I gave in.

I do think that we are both better off without each other but that doesnt change the feelings of love that I have for you. It doesnt change me missing you on so many levels. And it doesnt change me wishing things were different. It doesnt change me fantasizing about various things I wish you would do to “fix” things between us (Do you want to know? Do you want to know what I think about when we are apart? I think about you filling my apartment with roses and a card, I think of you showing up at night and just hugging me and telling me you cant live without me, every day I come out to my car at school and expect something, anything to show me how much you care…so pathetic – why????)

Yes I said some mean shit to you and I apologized within 24 hours – and I am sorry – but really, did I say anything that you havent said to me before? multiple times? in worse ways?? I dont think so…

When you have told me to fuck off…and then you have been too ashamed to face it and apologize – who has called the other? Lets look at it again – you tell me to fuck off, I call you again and again until your not angry I come crawling back to you and then you apologize and we move on…

When I tell you to fuck off – then apologize – then call you – just bc I miss you and want to know how youre doing – you tell me that you are staying the fuck out of my life just like I told you.

Why are we so different? Do you still think you love me? because you dont show love – you show anger and hate and frustration and impatience and you SAY you were going to do this or that but saying and doing are 2 different things

so instead of you being happy to hear from me you answer the phone saying “What?” as in “What do you want?” isnt that just so mean?

And youve had a couple hours to think about it, to change it, to fix it but my phone remains silent…and today, i wont expect to see anything at my car, and I wont expect to see flowers in my apt and I wont expect you to come over and save me…and i will continue to question your love but I will not question mine.

My actions have always been consistent with LOVE – not always my words – definately not always my words – but my actions speak for themselves and you will never be able to question my love – maybe you assumed I really did hate you and if you really thought that I hated you
1. you dont know me
2. you would know this morning that wasnt true…

so there are no excuses, you can never be too busy to deal with the love of your life, nothing can ever get in the way of that – at least thats how Ive lived the last year and a half when we were together.

And now I finally understand why Ive changed – why I am not the same “girlfriend” that I was when we got together…Im not happy anymore…I love you, yes and I think Im still in love with you…but I am so unhappy

this roller coaster. We got back and did something fun (camping) – whenever we go away things are great but obviously that can’t sustain a relationship. Then he had another rage, he threatened to come to my school if I didnt pick up the phone…I was so paranoid I was looking at the door all afternoon but thankfully he never came. His last words to me were “Fuck off you fucking moron – fuck you you fucking bitch.” I was so numb and amazed at the power of his hate that I didnt feel the need to talk to him for a week. He called and called and finally left me this text message “Please don’t give up on me without therapy” so, of course, I got suckered back in, called him, we talked…he was having a family crisis…blah. blah, blah…the focus was off the relationship, we made it thru the weekend but he was too busy to get together to talk with me about a plan…so I got mad again. On Monday, he begged me for one last chance. I said ok. We said ‘Ilove you” We hung up. that was at 1 pm. At 10 pm…I was in disbelief that he hadnt called all day…I asked him why and he said he was busy. I got mad (again) and didnt talk to him for 3 more days. He stopped calling me. I got scared and called him on Friday morning and said I missed him. He said he missed me too but was going away for the weekend with his family to Yosemite. So, things would be kinda crazy…so he calls me friday night as they are leaving and says he’ll call when he gets there assuming he can find a pay phone. He never calls. Saturday, his cell is getting reception but he doesnt answer until 4 pm and he explains there was no phone (I didnt believe him). He calls later to say they’re leaving yosemite and going back to the cabins and he’d probably not be able to call me until he was on his way home- you get reception about 2 hours out. So Sunday i wait and wait and wait. 4 pm, 5 pm, 530 pm, 6 pm, 645 pm, 700 pm…Im starting to think he must be home so i call his parents home a lo and behold, at 715 pm his sister answers ( she was with him) and they are home and he didnt call me at 5 pm when he has reception and now he’s home and not calling…I wait til 930 pm and I call the house again and get him on the phone and ask why he didnt call and he says “fear” I lose it – I blow up and scream “I hate you mothafucker I fucking hate you stay the fuck outta my life motherfucker stay the fuck out of my life” and I throw out every single thing in my apartment that reminds me of him. The next day, monday, i call to just apologize bc I am sorry bc that is not the person i want to be…And I never hear from him again. Thursday morning, in weakness, i call him to see how how he’s doing and he basically tells me to fuck off. So here i am, friday feeling like dirt. I want to hate him but i just miss him. i wrote this letter and sent it yesterday…