love myself completely

I have been thinking about what “love myself completely” means to me. In my world, it means staying true to my core beliefs, sticking up for myself, and moving through the world affecting and inciting change.

Women have said that once you turn 30, you begin to come into your “self.” I will be 33 this July and I guess I have had an epiphany of sorts. I am who I am. I cannot and will not be negatively impacted by the the ideals of others (individually or collectively.) I will love to the best of my abilities and raise my child to the best of my abilities.

Whether a size 12 or 16, it does NOT matter. I am perfect. I am smart, more than capable, and wonderful. And no one can take that away from me.

Other people’s issue will no longer play a role in my life no matter who they are.

I love me.

Who am I to deny myself love? If I don’t love myself, warts and all, then no one else will. I do love myself. I feel like I love myself. But I don’t treat myself as well as I know I should. Ugh…

This is probably my most difficult goal. I am my harshest critic and deride myself for the most minimal thing. It is easy to love the “loveable” things about me, but difficult to love the grittier (and sometimes not so pleasant) part of myself. I’m am working hard at it though.

For years my father told me that I was my own worst enemy. I always knew exactly what he meant. I have been depressed for years. It’s almost as if I don’t let myself be happy. When I was young I was saddened by the horrors of an entire world. I let society’s blunders really mess me up inside and I used to punish myself. Today those things still bother me but I have become more selfish. Now I beat myself up about myself. I am never good enough and nothing I do is ever right. I am a devout Christian but I can’t seem to forgive myself. If the Lord can forgive me why can I not forgive myself? Why can I not love myself? I am not a horrible person. In fact, I am rather caring and spent a lot of my youth helping those in need. Yet when I got older, early adulthood, I began losing touch with reality and slipping into a heroin-induced transe that lasted for four years. I did many bad things and spent time in jail. I lost everything, including myself. But I was able to come through it alive! I got clean and did right. It took a long time to gain the trust of certain people back. I am so close to God and I try my best to always do what is right. Yet there are a number of things that still burden and sadden me. Have I not enough faith or is it just me hating me? I need to look towards myself first for not onlly responsibility but also for rewards. I do deserve a break every now and again and I shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to ask! I accomplished a huge feat. I broke the chain of addiction and I regained custody of my son back. I am pregnant again and due soon. We are not rich but together we have a lot and I need to model this attitude for my sons.

checked a few more self help books from the library lately. I think some of these serve as great reminders as to where I want my life to be pointing.

nods head

I am my worst critic, I have seen this. The only question is, am I willing to actually change how I think of myself?

I’m a model and I hate the way I look. I model because I can feel validated through other people’s opinions. However, what I really want is to just be happy with MY opinion of myself. Actually, I just want to actually have an opinion of myself. I want to have confidence in my words, actions, and looks. I want to mean what I say, I want to do what I want to do dern it! And I just want to once look in the mirror and say “You are gorgeous.” I want to know that for myself I am the standard to live by and no one else.

Even if you’re surrounded by tons of people who love you, you gotta love yourself the most. You gotta be your own greatest fan. These are hard trying times and loving yourself means the good and the bad parts. As you are right now.

Love yourself above all. Even when… especially when… you love a man that tells these little lies until you confront him about it. Walk away, not because your love isn’t strong enough… but because you’re worth more than this. You gotta watch your own back sometimes.

I’d like to think I’m getting better at being happy and loving me for who I am. This past week itself, two suprised people told me how I’m sounding so much more positive. There are people who hold you down though, that want to keep reminding me of what I was. I know I’m different now, and I will not be judged and be put down for something I no longer am. As long as I know how I’m trying and how much I’m progressing.