not let people get to me

i used to be so calm, so let-it-roll-off-my-back.
People i’ve worked for once marveled (out loud) at my ability to stay cool, ‘just bobbin with the waves.’ i’d say, ‘keepin my head above water’

How did i get like this?
well, no matter. i’m taking the wheel. Have recognized the source of much frustration. Making the effort to move upward & onward. i just can’t stick around in a ditch forever.

Headed in a new direction.
Let the lice stay in the ditch.

ugh what a day. dark. pouring rain. cranky boss. crankier customers.

So this customer (who’s been a complete turd) just headed out with his prints (finally). I pop into the bathroom (to brush teeth – another goal :) and when i come back out, i discover him leaving again…
“Oh, Mr ‘Smith,’ did you have a question?” I ask.
He looks awkward, “uh, no, i had some garbage i wanted to throw out.”

Yeah, well his idea of throwing out is leaving greasy, smelly wrappers from DunkinGoNuts on the reception counter when no one’s looking; even tho the g.can is nearby.

What the hell is wrong with people?? It’s been a fang bearing day.

Focus on the really great people/customers, however few there are. I had one of my nicest just stop in (thankfully a regular), i will try to keep this experience with me throughout the rest of the day.

Just not healthy for me. So many angry, miserable people want to bring everyone down around them. Usually i’m quite sturdy and don’t fall for it, but i’m an Irish Aries and there are times i’m weak and this intense anger wells up and i practically want to punch the culprit.
Gotta work on not lashing back. Especially driving.

My whole life she has gotten to me. Constantly and never failing to make me feel like shit. Me being the person I am I alway forgive and forget. She never does, I am under her roof right now. It’s is literally driving me insane. I hate living here in the middle of nowhere where she is all I have and getting out of here is going to be slow going. I try so hard to not let her reminding me that my life is worthless get to me. it’s really hard. Sometimes I want to end it because of her. But I have to remind myself that she is not worth it. Not worth as much as be being successful and then rubbing it in her face later how she was never ever there for me.

who knows. I think I am venting. I’m done now.

This is still a work in progress but I’ve grown a tremendous amount in this area, in the past year. I’ve been through hell and back… being harassed at work, losing my position, continuing to be treated like something I’m not at my place of employment, being judged very harshly at my home church that I’ve returned to… everyone finding out about my past with my ex (because I tell someone in confidence and make the mistake of trusting them to not air my personal business all over the place), my new boss talking to me like I’m stupid… when I’m anything but. I’m pretty sure God’s just trying to break me completely of caring about what people think… it’s finally kicking in!! When you’re at the bottom, there’s no where to go but up… and I’ve been tormented in all areas of my life for a while. It’s getting to the point that it’s so regular a pattern… that I don’t even think about it so much anymore. It’s about time!

I am sitting here and trying not to let other people’s actions get to me. I am fully aware that I am not capable of controlling other peoples actions, but sometimes I wish my feelings would have an effect on what they do.

This is the second time in a row that I have sat here and wasted time. I wrote so much on here tonight so this person would have so much to read, since apparently they really enjoy it. After about 5 hours of waiting and realized I was stood up again for booze… and gawd knows what else… I decided to delete them. Why would I allow someone read the things I write about them that are so loving and caring, when their personal consideration towards me doesn’t take effect until it is too late.

So this is twice where I have been stuck waiting all night, where not to late has turned into being up at 7 AM upset. I am not mad that they are going out with friends, I am mad they they are not back when they say they will be… and then I get to hear about the hot girl they work with…. Then they are so drunk again, repeating themselves at least 3 times for one story.

They made a great point on the phone though… When they come out here they won’t know anyone… and they want to spend time out with their friends and such… Which is fine… I don’t care about that… I am not making them come out here, and again that is their own actions. Also he came close to doing some stupid shit… What I don’t get is if you are trying to stay off drugs why hang out with people who do them?

I wish I could ignore people and their actions no matter what their importance are to me and my family.

No one truly understands you and your actions except you, so why should someone else’s comments or opinions about you get to you?

I’ve really started to take on this challenge and not shrink away so much. God has presented me with the challenge of going to my old church again. Problem is… this is where my abusive mother and ex boyfriend go. That will make things uncomfortable for me. I know God will bless me for following His will though and that God knows what’s best for me even if I don’t understand it. SO… that means I HAVE to work myself up to confronting this fear.

In doing so… I must learn to not let people get to me. Especially my mother. She’s always been my biggest hindrance in life. I live at home with her right now. I’ve started NOT working around her anymore and NOT making sure I don’t step on her toes. I can’t live to please her. I can’t live like I’m constantly walking on egg shells… even if this will cause her to throw tantrums. If I want my inward being to improve any… I’ve got to quit worrying about whether or not she will fly off the handle if I’ll do this or do that. Therefore, I’ve begun to act normal in front of her… and am accepting the fact that if she has a problem with anything (innocent) that I do… then that’s truly HER problem. It won’t be mine… because I’m no longer allowing it to be.

If I can’t handle her at home… then it will be hard to go to church with her too. So I’ve got to quit hiding myself and hindering myself just to appease or keep her from losing it. Because I’M NO LONGER LOSING MYSELF!!!