not let people get to me

My whole life she has gotten to me. Constantly and never failing to make me feel like shit. Me being the person I am I alway forgive and forget. She never does, I am under her roof right now. It’s is literally driving me insane. I hate living here in the middle of nowhere where she is all I have and getting out of here is going to be slow going. I try so hard to not let her reminding me that my life is worthless get to me. it’s really hard. Sometimes I want to end it because of her. But I have to remind myself that she is not worth it. Not worth as much as be being successful and then rubbing it in her face later how she was never ever there for me.

who knows. I think I am venting. I’m done now.

This is still a work in progress but I’ve grown a tremendous amount in this area, in the past year. I’ve been through hell and back… being harassed at work, losing my position, continuing to be treated like something I’m not at my place of employment, being judged very harshly at my home church that I’ve returned to… everyone finding out about my past with my ex (because I tell someone in confidence and make the mistake of trusting them to not air my personal business all over the place), my new boss talking to me like I’m stupid… when I’m anything but. I’m pretty sure God’s just trying to break me completely of caring about what people think… it’s finally kicking in!! When you’re at the bottom, there’s no where to go but up… and I’ve been tormented in all areas of my life for a while. It’s getting to the point that it’s so regular a pattern… that I don’t even think about it so much anymore. It’s about time!

I am sitting here and trying not to let other people’s actions get to me. I am fully aware that I am not capable of controlling other peoples actions, but sometimes I wish my feelings would have an effect on what they do.

This is the second time in a row that I have sat here and wasted time. I wrote so much on here tonight so this person would have so much to read, since apparently they really enjoy it. After about 5 hours of waiting and realized I was stood up again for booze… and gawd knows what else… I decided to delete them. Why would I allow someone read the things I write about them that are so loving and caring, when their personal consideration towards me doesn’t take effect until it is too late.

So this is twice where I have been stuck waiting all night, where not to late has turned into being up at 7 AM upset. I am not mad that they are going out with friends, I am mad they they are not back when they say they will be… and then I get to hear about the hot girl they work with…. Then they are so drunk again, repeating themselves at least 3 times for one story.

They made a great point on the phone though… When they come out here they won’t know anyone… and they want to spend time out with their friends and such… Which is fine… I don’t care about that… I am not making them come out here, and again that is their own actions. Also he came close to doing some stupid shit… What I don’t get is if you are trying to stay off drugs why hang out with people who do them?

I wish I could ignore people and their actions no matter what their importance are to me and my family.

No one truly understands you and your actions except you, so why should someone else’s comments or opinions about you get to you?

I’ve really started to take on this challenge and not shrink away so much. God has presented me with the challenge of going to my old church again. Problem is… this is where my abusive mother and ex boyfriend go. That will make things uncomfortable for me. I know God will bless me for following His will though and that God knows what’s best for me even if I don’t understand it. SO… that means I HAVE to work myself up to confronting this fear.

In doing so… I must learn to not let people get to me. Especially my mother. She’s always been my biggest hindrance in life. I live at home with her right now. I’ve started NOT working around her anymore and NOT making sure I don’t step on her toes. I can’t live to please her. I can’t live like I’m constantly walking on egg shells… even if this will cause her to throw tantrums. If I want my inward being to improve any… I’ve got to quit worrying about whether or not she will fly off the handle if I’ll do this or do that. Therefore, I’ve begun to act normal in front of her… and am accepting the fact that if she has a problem with anything (innocent) that I do… then that’s truly HER problem. It won’t be mine… because I’m no longer allowing it to be.

If I can’t handle her at home… then it will be hard to go to church with her too. So I’ve got to quit hiding myself and hindering myself just to appease or keep her from losing it. Because I’M NO LONGER LOSING MYSELF!!!

I have a friend who i consider a close friend. She actually does nothing for me apart from making me feel inferior to her and upsetting me. She pulls me up everytime I do wrong by her always makes me out to be the bad person and make me feel like a bad friend. I am honest and let her know why i had done certain things and how i felt about arguements we had had though she doesn’t seem to take my opinions or feelings into consideration she just blatantly ignores my reasoning victimizes herself gets personal with everyone else in our group of friends I end up believing I am wrong and its me against everyone else. She’s always comparing and competeing with me and likes to leave me out and do things with our other friends or likes to be the only source of communication between me and our other friends. She makes big deals out of nothing and things that would usually not bother me do now becuase she makes a big deal out of it. She is a few years older than me she’s closer to her thirties and I’m early twenties but the drama she brings just makes me feel like I’m in high school again.

Despite all these things I do think/feel she is a good friend there are times she has been there for me but for a while now all these bad things are outweighing the good making the good almost non existent. I can’t even remember the last time she went out of her way to do something for me because she wanted to.

So confused I know I don’t deserve this or need this in my life which is why i am dedicated to not letting people get to me. Its time to ship out the shit!

opinions???

a month or so ago i really let some things ppl said or think about me let me down. generally they weren’t huge things but they got to me. i guess i just care about what people think wayyyy too much! i try not to let these things get to me now. i like being me.

I’m thinking about moving on from a friendship I’m in right now. There’s this girl that just brings me down. Her attitude about life is just not in line with mine. And it seems to be less in line with mine, each day that passes. Yesterday she said something that I see as sign to move on: “People who seem happy all the time make me suspicious. It’s just not natural, it seems really fake. Those are the people most likely to have a lot of problems underneath it all.” I felt kind of like she was talking about me even though we were talking about someone else, because I consider myself one of those people – it’s just my disposition to be more positive about things. Maybe in some cases, but overall, I have to really disagree with her on that statement. Not everyone has to be as negative and unhappy as her all the time.

Because of her view that I’d already become perceptively aware of… I’ve slowly started to become a different person, from being around her so much – and I’m starting to realize that. I’m not quite as cheerful and upbeat as I used to be. I guess I’m honestly afraid of her raining on my parade and hurting my feelings if I show too much happiness when I’m around her – that’s not a good thing at all. It’s like she always finds something wrong with me for being so peppy and cheerful, like there has to be something actually wrong with me because of it. The truth is… what you see with me is what you get. If I’m sad, you’ll see it. If I’m happy, you’ll see it. If I’m mad, you’ll know. Why would I be something different than what I’m showing on the outside… on a daily basis? That doesn’t make sense.

The things that I feel most proud of about myself, my greatest characteristics, are slowly dwindling away because of her responses to my personality. Her attitude is really starting to take a toll on my self esteem. I’ve just become more sensative, overall, from most people’s comments towards me, just from hanging around her. I used to be soooo confident and so much stronger than this. I want that back, I’m not myself….. but that may mean completely moving on.

Does anyone else know someone who thinks like my friend? Does anyone reading this think like this? How can you look at being too positive and happy as a BAD thing? That makes absolutely no sense. It seems to be a very unhealthy way of thinking, in my opinion. Someone explain this way of thinking, because it seems so pointless and off to me.

It’s so hard to not let people get to you, but once you master it it makes life so enjoyable. I guess what it really comes down to is when someone does get to you ask yourself why it matters so much (what they did), why it lets you bother you, things like that…. and if you can’t think of a good reason, just be like, then why am I bitching about it! =] it helps me…it’s also nice to have someone to vent to! So find a good friend, that you trust, and just let it all out when you need to!! (but make sure your their for them to when they need to vent!)

I’m getting better with this, but I still have some work to do.