Become the person I've always wanted to be

no comment. frustrating. just no comment.

self-explanatory

but i don’t know who it is i want to be, so until i figure it out, this goal will take a break.

I am a dietitian, one of my goals is to write this book.

I have been making an attempt to go back to the basics of who I am. I am making plans for next spring in my attempt to make a statement about how crappy riverside is treating its land and people and help bring back smiles to the locals and food for the homeless. I am trying to make scarves to give out as nice gifts during the winter season to the homeless. I am going to make major in social ecology and work for a non-profit to help children and the environment. I am slowly started to draw and read again and am making an effort to be more social. I am trying to see the beauty and be part os the solution instead of a person who just sits behind and complains.

so… after I dropped out of USF and enrolled in Art School I was happily and successfully doing freelance graphic design work… had a baby, moved to Atlanta, worked for Big Corporate Company USA (read: boring but $$$) quit my job and currently packing to move west to Dallas, TX… I can say that I am mostly fearless and do things that make me happy though they seem random and crazy at the time… all of this to say who you want to become gets changed sometimes… now I want to be the coolest mom on the block; which, for now just consists of heart shaped banana pancakes, coloring on the walls with washable crayons, lunches in the park, daily visits to the library, and bubbles galore. BUT I also want to be the gypsy-artistic-go anywhere-do anything-wild-child that I’ve always desired to be… and all this talk of pole dancing for house wives just isn’t going to cut it… how do I be a good mommy AND be a poet, dancer, graphic designer cupcake baker extrordinaire???

my self-esteem has been sort of dismal as of late, and i’ve become overly senstive to many subjects. something is holding me back from doing and becoming what i want to be, but i can’t figure out what that is. i also feel like if i don’t figure out soon what it is that’s holding me back, the time will pass and i’ll be stuck in this state of mere existence.

i’m starting to realize that the person i want to be and the person i want people to see me as may be two different people. which is bad. i should be 110% comfortable with being me, and not care how other people see me. it’s not my reputation as much as it is the aura i want to give out, really.

i really want to stand out and make a difference; i’m afraid that if my “aura” is on the small, quiet side, i’ll be forgotten and everyone i know will find people that are more exciting to spend their time with, and i’ll be left on my own. i’ve finally found people i want to know for the next 50+ years; i can’t stand the thought of having to let them go.

i want to be knowledgable, but not a know-it-all. i want to be a hippie, but it isn’t economically feasible since i have to continue to make enough money to pay rent, buy food, and generally live. i’m sure i’ll figure something out, though; i always do.

It’s 2008, and I realized that I’m not even close to the person that I wanted to be. I have a lot of serious work to do! My best friend told me what his priorities were for this year and I decided that I needed to find out what mine are. I’m going to go over my list of goals one more time and see if there’s anything that I need to change or that I can accomplish this year, if possible.

I think I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last few months. That Im not the person I thought I was. And I dont desire the life I thought I wanted…

I didnt go to university and Ive always thought that I missed out on that whole party lifestyle. I thought I wanted to live with loads of people, have mad parties, drink alcohol 24/7, live in a messy house share, have friends over every night and not have to worry.

So I did it.
And now, a few months later, Im screaming inside…
Because thats not me. Thats who I thought I was.

Im only just realising who I really am and what I really want.
And Im finally embracing that and becoming the person that I am and have always been, I guess I’ve just been pushing her away. But I want to be that person now. :)

Just got a new flat and its not messy, its lovely – I’ve finally realised what a clean, organised person I am. Hehe.
I dont invite everyone over for mad parties, I have my real friends over and we cook and watch tv and films. I have a lot more time for me now, for my hobbies – I write alot, I draw, I’m learning to cook…

And Im finally becoming the person Ive always wanted to be.
Im finally becoming me! :) x