be a good parent

My parents took care of us, met our physical needs and even my intellectual needs, but there was physical and emotional abuse of me and my siblings. When I found out I was going to have a child, I made a commitment to myself and my child that I would never hit her/him or try to make myself feel better by making her/him feel bad, or put her/him down.

That was the foundation of everything. My son is a teenager now and I have never hit him, ever. I work to make sure that even when I am frustrated as is normal, that it is always within the context of parental love.

I also promised myself I would never lie to him. That one has not been so clear cut, as there are many little things we tell children, especially when they’re younger, just to quiet them down. Of course there were untrue things, but I do work to make sure it’s never anything extremely serious.

This goal has been on my mind because he just had his first “final exam” in school. I wanted to support him intellectually, but more importantly, I wanted to reassure him that he has the ability to study and learn and feel good about himself in this way. So we worked together and basically I taught him how to study a lot of material. So these days I am feeling like a pretty decent parent. :)

I am the mother of a 7 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. I would not change being a mother for any other thing in this world. I may not have been able to go out to the bars with my friends or stay up late, but it is all well worth it. Nothing compares to being woken up by little lips kissing your head and then screaming for “Fruit Loops!” LOL

Well, what do you know, but the eldest daughter got herself a place in Uni, against all the odds. I’m so glad she has that opportunity. I’m not so pleased that she seems to be rather ‘casual’ about the whole process, but God is good, and I pray about it all.

And the main thing is – she got a chance to go to Uni, which is more than her parents ever did.

i’m actually pregnant with my second child (i had a miscarriage b4 but i still don’t 4get her).. and i often see so many standards for being a parent that if they are not met it makes you seem like a bad parent… honestly, who can actually meet those standards? has any1? i mean last time i checked everyone makes mistakes and majority of ppl come out fine despite their circumstances.. so can a parent rly be blamed for their actions if no matter what you do, they’ll choose their own path? i guess either way, it’s hard because you brought someone into this world and you want just the absolute best for them. i mean screwing up your child is your right, doesn’t mean you actually WANT to do that…

I’ve written other entries on other goals about people and how they can have their own agendas but so long as you, at least try to, pursue what is both direct and open you can’t really go wrong. I am applying that to all areas in my life, including parenting. What I did not expect, or ever even imagine, was that even those that claim to do so out of love or interest for my children can set out to serve their own needs and wishes and set them ahead of what is truly best for my kids. I am their natural parent and, as such, should be able to along with my ex establish what is best for our daughter. Instead, I have his mother dictating to me what things will be like when OUR daughter is at HER house and telling me that because she feels that I crossed a personal boundary (telling her something “bad” about her son) I am only welcome now in her house two days a week even though she keeps our daughter 5 days a week. Yes, yes, I know she is in legal violation and the law would intervene. I’ve already done the homework. But the reason I’m writing about it here is so that maybe other parents reading this will do so and realize that in being a “good parent” it sometimes is going to mean stepping up to the plate, defending yourself and possibly telling others, even relatives that they can no longer speak to you or be involved. Talk about crossing a boundary line. She might be grandma but I gave birth. No one tells me I am not allowed to ensure the well being of my child and none of you should ever take that either. If it happens, hire the best attorney you can find and take it to court. Stand up for yourself, your kids and your lives. Regardless of your past issues or mistakes a judge will look far kinder on you pursuing your child’s best interest now than had you just let things like this ride and not spoken up. Know your state laws regarding custody and visitation. Don’t let other people illegally and without court orders make you jump through hoops just for their benefit. This hurts you mentally and emotionally and is sustained abuse. A court WILL take action but you have to act.

Today my 9 month old daughter ate cake for the first time. I took some pictures and it was so funny to see her face with the icing smeared everywhere. She is so funny. I love her personality, her fearlessness and her willingness to try just about anything. The pediatrician says that the personality traits that babies have often carry through into who they become as a person (minus environmental factors). I’ve found this to pretty much true with my older boys. The oldest has always been the “reflective” one. The youngest boy has been compared to a game show host, just always seeing the humor in everything. My daughter is the fearless leader. My ex and I have both have that quality, which has sometimes gotten us both in trouble so we will have to be careful to guide her and direct her to make WISE and HEALTHY choices and not to act too impulsively. But for today she’s only 9 months old and eating that cake – just too cute!!!

I remember when my oldest son was born – obviously. He was so small and everyone made the comment that he had so much hair. He did too. It was black and it stuck up all over the place, like a baby monkey. He was beautiful. He was strong. He was amazing. He was mine.

The years went by and as he grew I noticed that the person he was becoming was one of those human beings that encounter your life and simply by their prescence change you – forever. His dad left when he was two months old and his grandpa was his biggest father figure. When my dad died last April he stepped up to the plate and every single day he helps my mom. He maintains the trials of being a teenager, the pressure of high school, the uncertainty of adulthood and the inevitable questions that come with growing up in today’s society. When 9-11 happened he was in second grade. He had just started a private school and his uniform had been ordered. When you ask him what he remembers about that time his answer is: “It’s the only time in my life when there were no planes in the sky”. His uniform took three weeks to come. I always thought that was profound in a way. He remembers a defining moment in history – no air travel. He’s grown up in a world that has been in a war since he was in second grade. He saw the twin towers fall at a time when his mom’s biggest career goal was to be a medic. And he knew, and watched, all those medic’s and firefighter’s die when the towers fell. He was eight. His career goal? He’s Air Force bound after high school. He’ll put on the colors of his country, like his grandpa before him, and respond to whatever duty calls him. Speaking of dawning a uniform…........

Last night my son, dressed to the nines, marched down Brambleton Avenue as part of the Titan Marching Band in the homecoming parade. Then, in perfect formation and military like percision he took the field – at the front – and snapped his body and instrument into place in front of a mass of people to perform. I don’t know how I will feel when he puts on his military dress uniform but I know the feeling I had last night. That little baby I remember, so small and wonderful, now almost a man – had grown up.

When he got back to the stands he leaned back towards me, so handsome, and says “Mom, I love ya”. And the rest of the world went away. Nothing, I mean nothing, else mattered at that moment. The only thoughts I could form were: He was beautiful. He was strong. He was amazing. He was mine.

I absolutely love my kids. Because they are so different in their ages there is so much to learn, and re-learn, about each of them. The teen is on his way to being a grown man and establishing his identity (which he’s been working on since he was 4). The middle child is quirky with a sense of humor that spans for miles and just doesn’t quit. He got mad at the sun the other day for “looking at him” because it was in his eyes, and the baby is a course in relearning the basics while trying to improve on my self as a parent. Their lives have given new meaning to the word innovation and they have defined, and redefined me, so many times. I love them like crazy cakes – they are my sun, moon and stars.

It is hard to be a parent, and sometimes I am not as chilled out as could be. I want to love more and shout less.

I don’t have children, probably won’t for a few years yet. But still I worry whether I’d bring them up right. Sometimes I think or read things and I think ‘I want my kids to know this’. I want them to be amazing people with beautiful souls.