deal properly with my mom dying

First off i am 11 years old.In August I found out that my mother had Kidney disease and two types of cancer.Her doctor said she had 6-7 month to live…its almost been six months.From August untill now, she has had to go to the hospital 7 times.Three for stitches, two for a swelled throte (because of her cancer),once for a problem with her knee,and one for lack of breathing.She is now currently on crutches because of her knee.Like i said,I’m only 11,and you may think i’ve been with her for 10-11 years right?well…your wrong.When i was born my parents broke up and I lived with my grandma.Then when I was six my dad took me back,and I lived with him.I never saw my mom since i was two,then when i turned eight i finally saw her.That was six years without her.Now that if she does die in January,I only would have known her for four years.Now i haven’t seen her for three months.When I try to call..no answer.THE BIG QUESTION RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD:Is she dead or not?

She has terminal cancer, lungs are filling up, etc. Yet hear I sit in a motel. My brother and I were her caretakers at home but when she got really bad, which was after a fall Tues. I begin having panic attacks and seem unable to cope with being there. She hollers out each hour for help even at night. She thinks her Depends are blankets, keeps wanting to pull out the catheter etc. and screams and cries when she asks us to do stuff we simply can’t do. This AM I left leaving my brother to cope alone. What’s wrong with me. Even when he just called and said he would be suprised if she made it 5 days I can’t bring myself to go back home. I ao have anti-anxiety med’s which calm me when I take one but if she keeps me awake 1/2 the night I’m worse off than if I’d never taken one. Dead tired short tempered. Am I just unable to watch her die? It would kill me not to be there but don’t know if I can be. Don’t want my brother to hate me or have feelings of guilt forever because I wasn’t there.

I would never be ready to lose my mother, but it seems like it has come too quickly. She’s been sick for a couple of years, but we have gone down so quickly the last 2-3 weeks. She’s bedridden, mostly unresponsive, moans and cries when she is awake, and seems disturbed sometimes. My family and I are with her around the clock, and I worry about my dad. He’s so tired – in every way – mentally, physically, emotionally – but determined to be with her. We are taking care of her at home, along with a dear home health nurse, who also happens to be a member of our church family and a precious friend. If you’re reading this, I ask you to lift us up in prayer – that we’ll be strong, calm, and resting in the Lord; for He is the One who holds us all in the palm of His hand. Thank you.

My Momma is dying. Our family has known for 3 years that she has terminal cancer but now it is coming -closer and closer to the end. It is hard. So hard. I love her so much and do not want her to be in pain. But I don’t want her to go yet either. My sisters want her to come to their houses but Mom wants to stay home. I support her right to stay home. I hope we all can do what Mom wants. Mom is the light of our family and so full of love. It will never be the same without her!

i dont think i will ever be completely done with this.
but for now..i feel peace.
i miss her.
i know that i will revisit this goal ever now and again
and read my old entries that i wrote on my other account to see how far ive come.
but for now..
i need to move on and make room for another goal.

Yesterday was a surreal day of sadness, love, details, and relief. I will miss my mother until the day I die and her voice will echo in my head and speak in my own words to my daughters and their children. And though I feel exhausted, steeped in grief and as though I were beaten with a club, I know I will get past this because I am surrounded and supported by those who love me as much as I have loved my mother.

I grew up poor and fatherless and yet I feel like a most fortunate woman.

Thank you all for your love and support throughout my completion of this goal. Though I will grieve for a while, I am marking this done as I have done everything for my Mom I set out to do and I believe she is at peace.

About 6:15 I went into Mom’s room. Her breathing was ragged but different. She no longer stopped breathing in intervals. I stayed, told her I loved her, told her to tell my best friend and my father that I miss them and I said thank you. I told her that her work was done and done well. Then she died.

My daughter is still in bed and I haven’t called in hospice yet. I will write her obit and then alert my family. Thank you all for all your support through this.

We talk every day about Mom. He told me she has a small insurance policy and a few bonds. He is the beneficiary. But he will cash them in and send me the money. When he told me that, I cried. Not just for the generosity he exhibits, but in pride that while other families may fight over assets, mine is so unselfish. We have our dysfunctions, for sure, but when the chips are down, we rally round.

Mom remains unresponsive, but continues to breathe. Thanks to hospice she is resting comfortably.

We are officially on death watch. Yesterday hospice gave her “hours to days” only. She is mostly unconsious, or in a haze. She was having hallucinations, but the atavan has mostly stopped that. She has had nothing to eat or drink in two days.

Both my daughters are with me. We had a good cry-in last night over pizza and wine sharing many memories of Mom. I stopped sitting with her every minute last night, recognizing that not only would she not want that, but that my girls needed me. Unbeliveably, my chow took up the vigil for me and has not left Mom’s bedside. Occasionally he comes to get me to bring me back.

I cleaned Mom’s bathroom this morning. She would be so embarassed to know someone had to clean up after her but watching her die like this has shown me that this – all of this – from the “lingering” to the soiled toilet seat is just part of the human condition.

Mom had a terrible night. She kept saying, “I want to go home” and “I want to go to bed.” My assurances that she was home and in bed did nothing to soothe her. She jabbered about nonsense for hours and called my name until about 2 p.m. when I finally gave her one of her sleeping pills. She no longer understood how to help me lift her out of the bed and onto the commode and without her assistance I physically was unable to lift her.

Right now her breathing is ragged and she hasn’t awakened. I don’t want to wake her until the nurse gets here so I have someone to help me lift her.