deal properly with my mom dying

My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a year ago and we thought that she was going to be alright just since this past July which was right after my wedding. I am 24 years old and an only child. Three days ago my mom went into the hospital with severe pain which we thought was maybe a kidney infection but when tests were run it showed that in the last three months the cancer has spread into the liver and lungs. I set up hospice care today and I am not sure what to expect or any real time frame. I feel very torn since I am so thankful for her being with me and being able to see me get married. But I have periods where I feel like I cant breathe I know I need to talk about things with her while I can but it hurts too badly. I know they talk about progressing through stages of grief but I seem to have all of them each day and I don’t really know how to control my emotions.

I lost my Mom when I was 22 and my Mom was 51. My Mom died suddenly without warning-so a great deal of shock was involved..my Dad died suddenly a few months later. There is no way to “properly” handle such things. I can only say that you must experience the pain that comes with it, even though you dont want to-it must be felt and felt as long as necessary. It is part of life that we all must expect to cope with at one point-tragically, some of us will deal with it earlier than others and with less preparation than others. I say just grieve-feel the pain that you need to, cry the tears that you must. I also had lots of dreams wherein I must have been working out some of the unresolved issues in my subconcious-even after all this time I still have dreams but now the dreams are GOOD VISITS with my parents. I still miss them, still wish I could enjoy certain things with them. As my children grew up and I wanted to share things with them I would sit and write them letters to tell them what I wanted to say and then burn them. It served to help get things out of my system-I knew people probably were weary of hearing me talk about how much I hurt, how much I missed them-you see, none of my friends had been through such a tragedy, they didn’t want to hear about it..I bummed them. I was a painful reminder of something they didn’t want any part of. My newer friends would become older, wiser people who knew something about the realities of life, who had suffered and endured loss..suddenly I had nothing in common with people my own age as my tragedy had aged me mentally and emotionally. The steps that you read about in going through grief are true..the anger, etc. You feel all of these things and each of these stages simply take as long as they take. My parents have been dead over 25 years-I still cry, I still miss them..but I have dealt with it, I know my parents raised me to be happy—to be productive and the best tribute I can give them is to move on and honor them by being the best person I can be..I honor their memory and my love has continued just as fresh and alive as it always was..that does not die with the person.

It has been 5 months since my mother passed away from cancer. Instead of feeling any better, it has been getting worse. I love rembering the fun memories but, sometimes all I can think of is the last few months of her life and watching cancer eat away at her body.

When I get sad, I also get mad at myself.I should appreciate every single moment of my life, cause it is too short to be anything but unhappy.

She would have turned 50 this month.

First off i am 11 years old.In August I found out that my mother had Kidney disease and two types of cancer.Her doctor said she had 6-7 month to live…its almost been six months.From August untill now, she has had to go to the hospital 7 times.Three for stitches, two for a swelled throte (because of her cancer),once for a problem with her knee,and one for lack of breathing.She is now currently on crutches because of her knee.Like i said,I’m only 11,and you may think i’ve been with her for 10-11 years right?well…your wrong.When i was born my parents broke up and I lived with my grandma.Then when I was six my dad took me back,and I lived with him.I never saw my mom since i was two,then when i turned eight i finally saw her.That was six years without her.Now that if she does die in January,I only would have known her for four years.Now i haven’t seen her for three months.When I try to call..no answer.THE BIG QUESTION RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD:Is she dead or not?

She has terminal cancer, lungs are filling up, etc. Yet hear I sit in a motel. My brother and I were her caretakers at home but when she got really bad, which was after a fall Tues. I begin having panic attacks and seem unable to cope with being there. She hollers out each hour for help even at night. She thinks her Depends are blankets, keeps wanting to pull out the catheter etc. and screams and cries when she asks us to do stuff we simply can’t do. This AM I left leaving my brother to cope alone. What’s wrong with me. Even when he just called and said he would be suprised if she made it 5 days I can’t bring myself to go back home. I ao have anti-anxiety med’s which calm me when I take one but if she keeps me awake 1/2 the night I’m worse off than if I’d never taken one. Dead tired short tempered. Am I just unable to watch her die? It would kill me not to be there but don’t know if I can be. Don’t want my brother to hate me or have feelings of guilt forever because I wasn’t there.

I would never be ready to lose my mother, but it seems like it has come too quickly. She’s been sick for a couple of years, but we have gone down so quickly the last 2-3 weeks. She’s bedridden, mostly unresponsive, moans and cries when she is awake, and seems disturbed sometimes. My family and I are with her around the clock, and I worry about my dad. He’s so tired – in every way – mentally, physically, emotionally – but determined to be with her. We are taking care of her at home, along with a dear home health nurse, who also happens to be a member of our church family and a precious friend. If you’re reading this, I ask you to lift us up in prayer – that we’ll be strong, calm, and resting in the Lord; for He is the One who holds us all in the palm of His hand. Thank you.

My Momma is dying. Our family has known for 3 years that she has terminal cancer but now it is coming -closer and closer to the end. It is hard. So hard. I love her so much and do not want her to be in pain. But I don’t want her to go yet either. My sisters want her to come to their houses but Mom wants to stay home. I support her right to stay home. I hope we all can do what Mom wants. Mom is the light of our family and so full of love. It will never be the same without her!

i dont think i will ever be completely done with this.
but for now..i feel peace.
i miss her.
i know that i will revisit this goal ever now and again
and read my old entries that i wrote on my other account to see how far ive come.
but for now..
i need to move on and make room for another goal.

Yesterday was a surreal day of sadness, love, details, and relief. I will miss my mother until the day I die and her voice will echo in my head and speak in my own words to my daughters and their children. And though I feel exhausted, steeped in grief and as though I were beaten with a club, I know I will get past this because I am surrounded and supported by those who love me as much as I have loved my mother.

I grew up poor and fatherless and yet I feel like a most fortunate woman.

Thank you all for your love and support throughout my completion of this goal. Though I will grieve for a while, I am marking this done as I have done everything for my Mom I set out to do and I believe she is at peace.

About 6:15 I went into Mom’s room. Her breathing was ragged but different. She no longer stopped breathing in intervals. I stayed, told her I loved her, told her to tell my best friend and my father that I miss them and I said thank you. I told her that her work was done and done well. Then she died.

My daughter is still in bed and I haven’t called in hospice yet. I will write her obit and then alert my family. Thank you all for all your support through this.