embrace myself

I can safely say I’m doing things now that make myself happy. I have been listening to my own feelings more and doing things that I want to do that I normally would have been too scared or lazy to do…like my Cairns trip, I’m organising a camping trip to Byron in a few weeks and skydiving in November. It all seems too easy when you get started and block out the thoughts that can potentially hold you back.

Here’s to more embracing and heaps more fun!

For anyone reading my posts, you will know I’ve stumbled upon a rough patch.

I have stopped exercising because I was sick for ages…then my love life got all complicated…I’m not eating properly and I’m wasting a lot of my time in bed in the mornings wishing I still had another few hours of darkness.

Depressed? Not really, just groggy with all the thinking I’m having to do over things I really want to work out.

Started to exercise again today. I was going to go to the shops to get some healthy food, but I have to go to Tbar tomorrow anyway, so it would be pointless to drive the 2hrs there and back today as well.

It’s nice though, to realise that I’m not so balanced right now. I think I’m getting better at this. In the past, I used to hold onto these feelings until I reached a state of depression.

Acknowlege the negative emotions, wash them away…embrace thyself!

I am beginning to know myself better each day. Able to make decisions about my thoughts. Stop confusing thoughts or hurtful thoughts before they become a focus. I am enjoying the time I spend alone. I am open for company when the opportunity arises, but being alone is suiting me right now. I dont need anyone or anything to keep me motivated and happy.

I want to live this lifestyle for a while. It is what I feel I need.

I have been such a mess lately!

I think it has a lot to do with my infatuation with a certain boy. But that is coming to a close, and I am left wondering what made the boy so gripping for me. I imagine he was an escape for me. So I didnt have to deal with what was really going on around me. I’m seeing him in a new light now. There is very little (apart from the amazing sex and his good looks) that I find admirable.

It’s all becoming a little clearer for me now. I am starting to appreciate having the time to myself to dispell self doubt and convert negative thoughts into positive ones. Just being able to recognise upsetting feelings inside me is exciting right now.

Am I really getting in touch with myself again? Man, it feels good. Why is it so hard to hold on to?

I think that this goal has a lot more depth to it than just loving myself. I think that looking towards the future instead of dwelling on the past can be rolled into this one. At the moment…one person in particular is being dwelt upon and I cant seem to shake him out. I am hoping that looking to the future and realising that I cant really see him as a future hubby that I will be wholey, soley and completely happy with might be a go-er. Pity though…so many good qualities, just a few too many not so pleasant ones.

I was lying in bed last night, unable to sleep. I felt very vulnerable.

I imagined everything that was causing my vulnerablility and tried to picture each thing creating a gaping hole in me, exposing my negative mind. Exposing my inner core. This bit hurt. It’s amazing, the power of the mind.

I thought these feelings through for a while until I thought I had covered everything. Then I allowed my positive mind to set to work. I filled each of those holes with positive light and thoughts until my negative side and my inner core were completely encased in a warm, glowing light.

It sounds so strange, and even writing it, I feel a little exposed and a tiny bit vulnerable because people will be reading this saying ‘this girl is nuts!’. But by the end, I was feeling warm and content and woke up that way this morning. I got up before my alarm at 6am, in the dark, while it was raining, had a shower and planned my day at school. I was at school and ready to start by 7.30. A whole hour and fifteen before the kids will walk in.

I think if I can continue to do this when I feel unsafe, vulnerable, hurt, anxious or with any number of negative emotions, I can start to do this without having to think about it. And I’m really looking forward to that day.

I find myself sometimes, so tight with anxiety that I have no idea what it’s from! It is easier to let go of lately than it has been in the past, but in trying to find my positive side, I see a wall of black sometimes which makes me feel so alone.

Why does my positivity always seem to leave me and give way to anxiety? And make itself so hard to find? Why is loving and embracing myself so hard to do?

I make this sound so depressive, but I’m not really. Just a little baffled about how my brain works. It is a part of me. Why can I not have more control over it?!

I woke up the other day wondering why I couldn’t concentrate, why I was looking forward to finishing each day before it started. I wondered why my head was swimming with negative thoughts, emotions and confusion. I wasn’t suicidal, just really sad and lonely.

This morning I woke to my first alarm (unusual, I normally hit snooze on my Nokia til it wont give me the option again…) and I stared at the wall. I felt so empty!

I’ve been through all the Psyc appointments and group therapy sessions. They work for a time, til you get lost in yourself again.

I was lost. I started breaking it all down into little pieces. I realised I was losing my self esteem fast. I was losing my confidence in my teaching skills. I didnt feel worthy of love. I couldnt provide good company for myself. The positive self affirmations began. Slowly I started to feel more positive. Something was still not right though. I wanted to live in the NOW. I wanted to know what it was like to not be bogged down in thhe past and regrets. I discovered a website this morning which was fantastic http://www.forhealing.org/inthemoment.html

I realised my mind is separated up into two selves. The positive me and the negative me. I read this poem (from the same site as above), with the intention of the person the poem is talking TO is the positive me and the person reciting the poem as the negative me. Through this, I realised my positve side needs to embrace my negative, and see it through its difficult stages to a point where I live my life through my positive side instead of my negative.

LOVING
Jan Luckingham Fable

Your love for me is what I’ve always dreamed,
but I am afraid.

Your love for me is whole, complete, steadfast,
Within its circle I feel cherished, nourished, supported,
and esteemed;

And yet I want to hide, to run from my fear,
to run from myself.

How can I deserve such love?
I fear I’m not enough;

Soon, you’ll see me as I am.
You’ll leave me.

Out of my fear
I build a case against you.

Out of my fear of losing you,
I push at you to make you go away.

Out of fear of your leaving me,
my greatest fear occurs

I am alone,

without your love.