I woke up the other day wondering why I couldn’t concentrate, why I was looking forward to finishing each day before it started. I wondered why my head was swimming with negative thoughts, emotions and confusion. I wasn’t suicidal, just really sad and lonely.
This morning I woke to my first alarm (unusual, I normally hit snooze on my Nokia til it wont give me the option again…) and I stared at the wall. I felt so empty!
I’ve been through all the Psyc appointments and group therapy sessions. They work for a time, til you get lost in yourself again.
I was lost. I started breaking it all down into little pieces. I realised I was losing my self esteem fast. I was losing my confidence in my teaching skills. I didnt feel worthy of love. I couldnt provide good company for myself. The positive self affirmations began. Slowly I started to feel more positive. Something was still not right though. I wanted to live in the NOW. I wanted to know what it was like to not be bogged down in thhe past and regrets. I discovered a website this morning which was fantastic http://www.forhealing.org/inthemoment.html
I realised my mind is separated up into two selves. The positive me and the negative me. I read this poem (from the same site as above), with the intention of the person the poem is talking TO is the positive me and the person reciting the poem as the negative me. Through this, I realised my positve side needs to embrace my negative, and see it through its difficult stages to a point where I live my life through my positive side instead of my negative.
LOVING
Jan Luckingham Fable
Your love for me is what I’ve always dreamed,
but I am afraid.
Your love for me is whole, complete, steadfast,
Within its circle I feel cherished, nourished, supported,
and esteemed;
And yet I want to hide, to run from my fear,
to run from myself.
How can I deserve such love?
I fear I’m not enough;
Soon, you’ll see me as I am.
You’ll leave me.
Out of my fear
I build a case against you.
Out of my fear of losing you,
I push at you to make you go away.
Out of fear of your leaving me,
my greatest fear occurs
I am alone,
without your love.