commit

I used to be able to commit to goals a lot better when I was younger. Or maybe I was just more stubborn. But I’d always end up burning myself out, or end up frustrated that I was missing out on so much more in life by being so focused on one goal. I decided to ease up and stop putting so much pressure on myself, but in doing so, I lost the passion. Now, nothing seems to be worth the commitment. Pretty sad.

I need to find that “umph” again. Any suggestions on where to look first? :o)

At least in my head. It’s not marriage but I’m definitely committed and I think it’s going to go well.

Not choosing still results in a choice. I need to choose consciously and then go for it. Do I choose to spend my life with him? If so, why not marry? If not, what am I doing here but wasting everyone’s time? I don’t know why I can’t do this but I am scared either way. Scared to give him up, scared to give myself over fully. So I just sit and wait, hoping the decision will become clear after some more time but it doesn’t.

I derive my pleasure from pleasing Mistress. I deserve, and indeed in my heart of hearts, i desire, nothing more. But being physically apart from Mistress, there are times when i could succumb to a perceived need for fleshly pleasure…to touch myself when i’m alone, in passionate arousal, and let my excitement spill forth. Does that honor Mistress?

No.

I hereby publicly commit that i shall not orgasm unless Mistress expressly commands or allows it.

Ever.

... is one of those words that doesn’t seem like a real word when you write it down.

i’m on this precipice.
i feel like i’ve been there for a very long time.
i am overwhelmed with possibilities and tools and room for error, and i’m sitting back, literally watching the time go by, counting my errors in procrastination, and it’s building up.

we all blow off a little steam, maybe.
i want no steam. i want to commit to opening the valve, speaking freely and openthroated.

i want to commit to being and owning and loving who i happen to be at any given moment.
i want to commit to being here next week, in this lovely space.

i need to feel safe, secure, provided for, comfortable, or else it ain’t worth it.

but, those things are in my mind, i build those walls myself.

i want to commit to fulfilling myself, and that means:

writing
reading
connecting
making love
making music
being quiet
moving ideas into matter

you know, the yoozh…

Commit—this is a personal goal of mine that I’m unable to act on. Every day I look through my list and see this as a reminder that I need to either commit or not. It is so hard, just about impossible. I know if I could do this one way or the other it would change such a large portion of my life, but I’m frozen. For now I will just keep looking at the this goal and remind myself I need to decide someday and just keep plodding forward.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

—W.H. Murray