stop giving my power away

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I’ve actually been working on this one. For example- I usually let people dictate how I feel about myself even if they don’t know me and I feel badly if they don’t like me for holding certain opinions. Usually, I stop saying how I feel and stop saying it out in the open. I run and hide and then berate myself for being so un-likable.

Slowly, I’ve been standing up for myself in this area and oddly, I feel good about it. I tell myself that those opinions aren’t worth much anyway because none of those people know me. It’s working.

i might be doing this again

i found today on my new favourite website:) www.listenforjoy.com

this image is so pure and lovely and expresses ‘boundaries’ in such a loving and safe way.

having healthy boundaries, checking on them, redefining them when neccessary, is loving myself and those in my life.

I keep thinking about someone who I gave a lot of my power to. Every time I think of this person, I get worked up and it depresses me, therefore giving more of my power away. Or it makes me angry, which wastes my precious power.

I have started recently when I find myself thinking of this person, instead of dwelling on things I would like to say to them, I think- “I take my power back from you. You no longer have power over me. I give you your power back. I release you.”

It is much better than letting angry thoughts swamp my mind, wasting good personal power. Maybe I’ll be able to forgive them in time and get back all of the power I willingly let them have over me.

‘be brilliantly organised’

i have one relationship in my life that has so many layers it seems impossible to every make it pure again.

this is with my mom. we have become so enmeshed that i feel totally responsible for her happiness and i have given so much of my power to her. don’t get me wrong she is an awesome woman who i respect and love, who has been a pillar of strength to me. but the boundaries have gone beyond blurred and i sometimes feel unable to breathe around her.

some days i think the only time i will be free is when she dies, but the thought of her no longer being here is horrifying.

Just got back from therapy and my lovely therapist said she has this programme specifically for enmeshed relationship issues which we are going to start working through from next week. I am really excited and also very dubious as to how successful this can be, but as she said, if it doesn’t ‘work’ then i won’t be any worse off than i am now.

i want to be able to be free and love her freely while i still have the opportunit.

I need to stop letting others’ opinions affect me so much. It’s not that I expect people to like everything about me or my ideas but I guess I expect constructive, well-put words too often. So then I feel awful about myself and that lets others have power over me. In the past people have used this to their advantage, getting me to act a certain way if they insult or slightly put down the proper aspect of me. I need to be grounded in myself so that a perfect stranger can act like big jerk and it doesn’t bother me.

I also need to remind myself that my friends’ opinions are opinions and not fact. It is good to hear opinions but I must remember to be myself and not change my mind about something just because one of my friends finds it odd or hard to understand. And while I am fine with being alone, I need to learn that I don’t need to change myself just to get people to like me. If they don’t like me, it oughtn’t to bother me so much because that just happens, since everyone is allowed personal preference.

The previous entry is rather gloomy – which is odd because I’m actually feeling quite cheerful! I did have clearly in my mind an incident where I felt intimidated, which happened earlier this week, so that is probably why I could conjure up those emotions and thoughts I feel when giving my power away so vividly.

Another way I do give my power away, is through laziness. It drains out of me as I procrastinate, poorly manage time, be indecisive. So time to hold on to the powerful me, charge up those energy batteries, and feel absolutely marvellous!

I keep vowing I will not add or change any goals for at least three weeks – then spot another one that is just too appropriate to let it disappear into the goal chaos!

I know I do this. Using ‘can I? would you? do you mind? sorry’ and other passive phrases. I do this with weak body language, slumping, head on the side, frowning. I do this by showing indecision, by unconsciously copying others, by asking instead of going ahead and doing. I do this by asking for reassurance, being sensitive, not being sure of my choices, my actions.

And when I give my power away, I feel second class, inferior. It makes me unsure of what I do want. It makes me loathe myself, feel bitter, feel angry. It makes me fearful of never being fully confident, and of not living my life but a life appeasing others, a life lived through insecurity and resentment, not freedom, empowerment, joy.

I’m tired of handing my power to others like a gift. There you are, there’s my happiness, my self-esteem, my hopes and dreams. Bully me, judge me, make me a timid mouse that acts how you want me to, not how I am. Even with intelligent, mature caring people, who handle it well, it is wrong to feel I’m not ‘as good as’, to look for their approval instead of making my own decisions and choices and accepting the consequences – much better than hesitating in a hop-scotch way, do they want this? or that? but that person wants this? I’m know to be honest, so isn’t this the ultimate truth – to be yourself, and not allow yourself to be moulded into what you believe others want.

My tutor – who I have respect and admiration for – said yesterday “be confident”. She wants me to believe in myself, to trust my own judgement. Thank goodness for wise, strong people like this! My power is for me, I own it, and while I am happy to share knowledge of confidence builders, etc, I need to alwasys, from now on, hold firmly on to my power. My courage, initiative, creativity, energy, ambitions. My personality, my dreams, my life.