stop dwelling on the past

is the past.. can’t rewind or fast forward. I just have now. :)

getting better at this.. by moving out, working, and going to school I will help myself even more by keeping busy.

I have to make some big decisions soon or else I will be stuck for the rest of my life..and never escape from the drama and sadness.

This is one of my oldest habits and I want to kick it to the curb. Things are much different now, and because of me thinking about the past I can’t get rid of certain habits that are ruining my life.

I haven’t done any work to achieve this; it is part of my personality. I only live to do well in life and I generally see negative emotions as hindering. Learn from the past but don’t feel bad about anything. Look ahead and try to do the best you can given the circumstances.

About a year and a half ago I when looking for an old friend from High School on facebook… I found her and put in a friend request. A couple of days later she emailed me. She said that she was happy to hear from me but that I had caught her at a bad time. She said that she was leaving the country in a few days and would be gone several months. She assured me that I would be hearing from her when she returned. I never did. So yesterday I choose to try again. I sent her a long email and hope to hear from her soon. And if I don’t that’s okay too. I have decided just let things play out and not to dwell. She is part of my past and if she chooses not to be part of my future that’s alright with me.

Yesterday was yesterday and there isn’t anything you can do about it, except not make the same mistakes today or tomorrow.

i have decided that i am going to drop all of the bull shit people that are floating around in my life. this included someone that was supposed to be my best friend. she sold me out for my ex boyfriend who i had a long term battle with up until 11 months ago. she lived with me through most of this battle but moved back to the town where we met and went back to all of our old friends who i had decided to leave behind.

over the course of the last year it has been impossible to keep touch with her for many reasons. the last couple of months have been the last straw. she won’t talk to me about me, she avoided coming to visit when she said she would because i was in the hospital three days before and she “couldn’t deal with it” and has avoided communication with me far enough to when i started to make my attempts more frequent, she asked me why i was all about her all of the sudden.

with this, i promptly suggested (in nicer words) that she fuck off. i am tired of that shit and frankly, that wasn’t a very nice thing to say.

along with my oldest brother and his ex girlfriend and an old family friend, kate is out of the picture. i don’t have time for wishy washy assholes. that’s not dwelling, is it?

it’s been a long time since i have had a dream about my ex boyfriend stephen. for a year and a half after we broke up, i was completely crushed and had no motivation to go on. i became an alcoholic and a drug addict and dealer. it was such a terrible time and experience for me. there was nothing worth anything in the world. now i have finally gotten over it. i can look at pictures of him and his new girlfriend and not even feel a twinge in my body at all. it’s like looking at pictures of any other person.

but then i have this dream about him. i have a dream while my current boyfriend is lying next to me. he forgives me for all that has happened and our relationship starts again. it’s just as loving and as fun as it was before it was over. before i threw it away. it was a very vivid dream, like the ones i used to have.

i want to say that i have stopped dwelling on the past because there is so much to worry about in the present. it just seems that stephen is making a subcon come back. it’s good news that i have already forgotten most of the dream and that i am ready to move on in lieu of thinking about it and analyzing it all day.

I think about it too much…. it’s already gone… there’s nothing I can do…. so why worry right? Wrong. I think about all the mistakes I’ve made on a daily basis.